How can we know that love is truly romantic? How is romantic love different from other kinds of love? What are the main characteristics of romantic beliefs, expectations, and feelings?

As I show elsewhere, the term “romantic” primarily means “idealistic” or “idealized.” Romantic views idealize the world and people. The same way, romantic love idealizes a partner and a relationship. Many scholarly books and articles have shown the complex nature and phenomenology of romantic love. We can conclude that nine typical features characterize the experiences and expressions of people in romantic love (see Karandashev, 2017, 2019, 2021b for detailed reviews). Here they are:

1. Idealization of the loved person and the relationship

A romantic lover emphasizes the exceptional virtues and neglects to see the negative qualities of the loved one. The romantic lover is remarkably capable of perceptively highlighting the traits that are excellent in the beloved. He or she is also able to translate negative characteristics into positive ones or rationalize them.

2. Sexual attraction to the loved one and a yearning for sex with him or her

Idealization of the beloved is also evident in the erotic facets of romantic love. For a romantic man or woman, the beloved is an excellent sexual partner. Erotic, physical, and sexual attractions are the essential experiences of romantic love. The longing for reciprocity is overwhelming. A romantic lover naturally desires to be the only and exclusive sexual partner for their beloved person. If not, then sexual jealousy becomes a dramatic experience.

3. Passionate and affectionate emotions are associated with the loved one

Passion or affection are the distinct emotional experiences of romantic love. They are the basic features of romantic beliefs. This is why many scholars of love tend to use the word “passionate love” as a synonym for romantic love. The latter is understandable yet somewhat inadequate. Romantic love and passionate love are overlapping yet different types of love (see another article about this).

4. Mental and emotional preoccupation with the loved one and the relationship

The intrusive thoughts about the loved one and about being together are obsessively in the mind of a man or a woman who are in romantic love. Intensive fantasies boost the desired expectations and illusions of reciprocation when love is unfortunately unrequited. A loving person is exceptionally sensitive to any signs—verbal or nonverbal—that can be interpreted favorably. He or she is prone to recognize “hidden” passion in the seemingly neutral facial or body expressions of the beloved.

5. The perception of exceptional and unique qualities in the beloved person

The feeling that the beloved is exceptional and the only one in the world who fits you perfectly. A romantic admirer is exceptionally devoted. He or she perceives the beloved as someone who stands out in real or idealized attributes that set him or her apart from everyone else. Therefore, he or she seems irreplaceable by anyone else. The life without him or her might not be worthwhile to live.

6. A passionate desire for physical and emotional unity

Passionate desire for physical and emotional unity, for close psychological affiliation with the beloved person. A romantic lover intensely wishes to be in spatial and bodily proximity, to feel emotional closeness, and to develop psychological bonds.

7. The commitment to a relationship with this person

The romantic lover is committed to the relationship and hopes that love for this person will endure forever. Such feelings assume commitment and the desire to know that this relationship is exclusive for both. The experience of romantic jealousy in the case of a possible breakup is very dramatic and devastating. For a romantic admirer, it is impossible to be in love with anyone other than this one person, at least at the present time. Longing for exclusive reciprocation of the relationship makes the unrequited love a deep suffering.

8. Emotional attachment and dependency

The romantic attitudes, emotions, and feelings evolve into deep attachment and strong psychological dependency while lovers care and are concerned for each other. A person in romantic love wants to do (almost) anything to meet the beloved’s needs.

9. Happiness, fulfillment, the transformational power of love

A romantically loving person is ready to reorder his or her priorities and values for the sake of the loved one. His or her care for their romantic relationship becomes a focal point of interest. And it can be at the expense of other responsibilities. The pursuit of happiness and the pleasure of being together with a loved one are especially strong. Any adversity can intensify passionate feelings. Many have heard the expression that

“romantic love grows up remarkably great in situations of adversity.”

The cultures definitely differ in the emphasis people place on certain attributes of these main qualities of romantic love. Their cultural values can place a higher or lower priority on some of them.