Throughout the 1930s -1950s, Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” ran her column “Milady’s Bower” in the newspaper West African Pilot. In her column, she talked with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. Her column discussed the compelling love stories of anonymous readers, which they told in their letters. Their thoughts, feelings, and words reflected their opposition to the established gender standards of African patriarchy. They discussed the difficulties they had in their relationships (Aderinto, 2015). “Miss Silva” advised men and women what to do when they experienced divided affections.

These stories can be like those that men and women in traditional conservative cultures still experience in their lives and relationships around the world.

What advice did “Miss Silva” give to women and men in Nigeria about life, love, and divided affections? Can they be useful for some young people in modern conservative cultural contexts?

How to Find a Peaceful Conflict Resolution in the Case of Divided Affections

What did Miss Silva advise lovers in cases when they felt they were not able to follow their affection to marry the beloved? First, “Miss Silva” advised them to explore all options for peaceful conflict resolution.

For instance, they were advised to act as if they were obeying their parents while working to appease them. In one such case, parents refused to allow their son to marry the girl of his choice because she was not from the same town. It was despite the fact that their places of birth were just 25 miles apart. Even after the oracles had given them a favorable confirmation, the parents persisted in refusing their son’s intention. It was an issue of “old-time conservatism.”

Miss Silva told him to get help from older people to ask the girl’s parents to let them get married.

Another reader, who commented from Lagos, mentioned another similar case, suggesting that a man tell his girlfriend to “obey [her parents] first and then complain.” And then, “if after she had obeyed her parents, and they still refuse, leave her and find another girl.”

To Obey or Disobey?

However, it was evident that neither obeying nor disobeying parental orders to marry within one’s ethnic group, social class, or town guaranteed marriage or romantic happiness. Lovers found themselves in difficult situations with people they cared about.

For example, the parents of a single man, who had just finished his teacher training, told him to break up with a girl from another town. And he did.

Then he selected a girl from his own ethnic group. She was “poor and only half educated.” Out of his “sympathy and true love,” he paid for her to be educated and trained to become a seamstress.

But, after years of preparation and planning, his bride-to-be told him that she would marry him only if he bought her a gold chain. It was a real frustration for him.

This situation is comparable to another one. In her letter to Miss Silva, a twenty-year-old woman explains how her parents enrolled her in boarding school. This way, they were able to make sure that she would not get involved in any relationships. However, after she graduated from high school at the age of eighteen, her parents betrothed her to the son of their friend. She was frustrated:

“I could not love this man … and I still dread the idea of marrying him.”

This girl had a boyfriend, a “handsome” man with a “good” job.

Her boyfriend’s parents, however, wanted their son to be a polygamist. That was what the girl did not like at all.

Miss Silva commented on this case to emphasize the belief that an individual’s happiness is paramount in all relationships:

“My Dear girl, you are still young and I will not advise you to risk life at this age. You may depend on my word that you have not met the right companion, and when you do your present outlook will change. You have a right to your own happiness and nobody should dictate to you. As to the second man you love, you should try to forget him as the future will be risky for you. Be patient and hopeful; you’ll soon have the right one.”

So, it was apparent that those facing parental disapproval of their own courtship faced a big problem. They went through the painful emotions and controversies of divided affections. Some girls and boys were still in love with their ex-partners, even after their parents refused to recognize their courtship.

For instance, another man told Miss Silva that he was in deep love with a girl. But after three years of courting her, her family refused to accept him as their future son-in-law.

Then, he tried to begin dating another girl. Yet, he acknowledged that he was still in love with his first girlfriend. The man queried Miss Silva:

“Do you think I can do away with this first girl entirely and cling to my new lover?”

Miss Silva told him to go back to his first girlfriend, even though her parents didn’t like the relationship:

“Courting another girl when you still love the first one is queer, unless you can grow to love her as the first one … One thing you must know and that is, the course of true love does not run smoothly.”

(quoted from Aderinto, 2015).