What’s an Ideal Age Difference in Dating?

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What age of a prospective partner do you consider preferable? Would you prefer a partner of the same age as yours? Or would you prefer a partner with an age difference in dating?

According to evolutionary views, men and women differ in this regard. Across many cultures, men prefer to marry younger women, while women prefer to marry older men, according to studies (Buss, 1989, 1994/2003).

There are three explanations for this common tendency: evolutionary, psychological, and cultural.

Evolutionary Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

According to the early evolutionary interpretation, men and women have different mating strategies, and therefore, they have different mating preferences: the men’s preference for appearance and the women’s preference for the economic resources of their prospective mates. These gender differences were found in 37 cultures (Buss, 1989).

Men prefer relationships with a younger woman with an attractive appearance, with the implicit assumption of her good fertility prospects. Women, on the other hand, prefer an older man, implying a desire for a good resource prospect.

This preference for age differences in dating also influences their actual marriage choices. Men prefer younger women, with an average age difference of three years, according to research on actual marriages from 29 cultures. Older men and men who were divorced tended to remarry women who were younger. These age differences were three years at the first marriage, five years at the second marriage, and eight years at the third marriage. The data were similar in many societies (Buss, 1989; Buss, 1994/2003).

In some societies, however, cultural attitudes toward divorce and the possibility of a second marriage are negative. The study of mate preferences demonstrated that Jordanians are especially unwilling to marry those who are divorced. Men had a social aversion to engaging in a relationship with such women, while women were more tolerant in this regard (Khallad, 2005).

Psychological Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

This preferred age difference in dating also has psychological implications. A possible psychological explanation of the typical age difference in dating might be that girls mature earlier than boys. Studies in developmental psychology have revealed that teenage girls develop and mature faster than boys (e.g., Lim et al., 2015; Marceau et al., 2011; Tanner, 1971).

Because of this, adolescent girls are often more interested in boys and young men of an older age than of their own age. They perceive their peer boys as too childish to love, so they show little romantic interest in them.

In cases of big age differences, an older man can be a more resourceful partner than a younger one. However, much older men can be less attractive in their physical appearance and less enjoyable in their sexual lives. They may also have interests and attitudes different from those of their young wife. Therefore, social exchange, rather than love attraction, frequently motivates “sugar daddy” and “trophy wife” relationships.

Cultural Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

Cultural interpretation of the age difference in dating between an older man and a younger woman in a relationship is also possible. Many traditional societies have cultural stereotypes that encourage men to be dominant and women to be submissive. For a man who is older or taller than a woman, it is easier to make an impression of dominance. Likewise, a young woman looks more submissive than the older one. Therefore, the older man would feel more authority to protect his young wife.

The increasing gender equality in modern societies and the devaluation of these gender stereotypes lead to smaller age differences between mating partners, which are often around 2-4 years. Much younger women can still be attractive to many older men. The old men may believe that they are younger when they are with such a young, “loving girl”—a feeling that can be a self-deceptive impression. The substantial age differences can hide some problems for both men and women.

What Is the Age Difference in Dating in Modern Societies?

Nowadays, the age differences between partners tend to be smaller than in earlier times. The cross-cultural findings from several studies in the 1990s showed that women of all ages consistently preferred men of their own age or just a few years older. The men’s preferences for the age of a potential female mate, however, depend on their own age. Young men are interested in a relationship with either younger or older women; however, men of an older age become more interested in relationships with younger women (see for review, Kenrick & Keefe, 1992; Kenrick et al., 1995).

Why Are Some Men Interested in Relationships with Older Women?

Can some men prefer older women? Yes, some men prefer a relationship with women who are slightly older than they are.

According to some studies (for a review, see Kenrick, Keefe, Gabrielidis, & Cornelius, 1996), teenage boys are open to dating a girl a few years younger. However, they find women a few years older to be the most attractive. For them, communication with the women, who have more advanced interests and experiences, can be appealing. Younger men experience romantic interest in older women even when these older women do not express their interest in dating younger men.

Modern Egalitarian Tendencies in Dating Preferences

The old evolutionary preferences for young, fertile women and resourceful men are less important in modern societies with egalitarian values and advanced reproductive medicine. According to some data, more couples in modern societies than before do not want to have many children, if any (Kamble et al., 2014). So, the fertility of a woman is not a big factor in a relationship anymore. Modern gender equality gives women better access to resources than before. So, the resources of a man are also not a big factor anymore.

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