Category Archives: love in different cultures

What Nigerian Men and Women Wanted to Know About Sex in the 20th Century

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The printed media of the mid-20th century paid much less attention to the topics of sex and sexuality compared to the questions of courtship, romantic love, gender roles, the influence of family, and marriage. What about sex?

West African editors of public media apparently opted to avoid these topics because they did not want to offend the traditional norms of Nigerian communities. In the conservative culture of that time, people would perceive it as offensive and repulsive to hear explicit references to sex. People were supposed to remain mute on such matters.

What Was Acceptable to Publish About Sex?

The authors of Nigerian newspaper articles, however, wrote about some topics associated with sex. For instance, prostitution was among them. It was discussed as a social problem that must be eliminated in West African cultures (Aderinto 2015). The authors depicted the immoral and perverted ways of life of prostitutes and suggested severely policing prostitution. The newspapers were also intended to provide moral lessons against sexual “deviancy”.

What Was Not Acceptable to Publish About Sex?

Nigerian public media commonly did not publish anything about the topics of the normal sexual lives of Nigeran men and women. In the same way, readers of newspapers usually did not write about these very personal and intimate issues. And editors did not publish the letters of ordinary people depicting their private sexual lives. They also did not publish any advice materials on how to improve one’s sexual life.

What “Milady’s Bower” Published About Sexual Life for Nigerians

However, the “Milady’s Bower” of the West African Pilot newspaper was among the rare exceptions. On a few occasions, “Miss Silva” tried to express her views on sexuality, but she did so very cautiously.

She began her column article, “Sex, secrecy, and chiding,” by commenting to readers that this subject of sex is unpopular in public media. However, she noted that the traditional silencing of sex may have a negative effect on the lives of men and women. She wrote:

“No doubt, the notion that all affairs pertaining to sex should be kept in the dark has done much havoc in the past and is still continuing to work with the same measure and full speed. Some people would make a fuss over sex discussion as if it were some ugly thing which should be erased from human thoughts as much as possible.”

(Aderinto 2015, p. 489).

“Miss Silva” also advised on the topic of premarital sex, saying that “if done at all, it should not be too much indulged in.” We don’t know what the reactions and opinions of readers to this statement were. Her correspondents were not willing to write about sex.

What About Sex Education?

Overall, few articles addressed the topic of sex education. However, Miss Silva and Dr. Azikiwe advocated that sex education should be introduced into the school curriculum. Dr. Azikiwe’s article “Sexology” offered particularly compelling arguments in support (Aderinto 2015).

Those authors suggested that during courtship, men and women should be well informed about sexual life. Then, couples would be able to enjoy their good sex life when married. Due to this, they would be strong Nigerian families.

Miss Silva and Dr. Azikiwe argued that inadequate education about human sexuality could be one of the causes of the “high” rate of divorce among Nigerian couples (Aderinto 2015).

African Cultural Attitudes Toward Kissing

Nigerian cultural norms of relations between men and women have many peculiarities. Kissing, according to some authors and readers of the West African Pilot newspaper, is un-African, a cultural practice copied from European cinema.

Here is how one author quoted the comment of a “white foreigner” about the kissing habit in love. When he saw how Nigerian lovers kissed, he said, “This country is young indeed to understand the theatrical gesture.” He considered it like something out of a European movie.

The same author, Mr. Mordi, stated in another article that kissing, like “any other enjoyment, had its one vice”.

Another reader, Ukaru, also made an argument against kissing. He claimed that kissing transmitted syphilis.

Thus, several authors and readers made a point against kissing, stating that “it is a nasty thing to kiss” and that there are no cultural reasons why Africans should follow this European habit (quoted in Aderinto, 2015, p.490).

The Pro-Kissing Arguments in West Africa

The Nigerian proponents of kissing attempted to distinguish various kinds of kissing, such as “kissing as a display of softer emotions,” “passionate kissing,” “erotic kissing,” “rascally kissing,” and “kissing with temperance.”

According to Miss Silva’s view, kissing is a good way to manifest love. Kissing could also ease conflict in a relationship. She advised, however, that a kiss needs “decency” and should not be “reckless” or “scandalous.”

The kissing debates of authors and readers in the “Milady’s Bower” of the West African Pilot touched on important facets of intimacy. They attempted to differentiate between private and public expressions of love.

Many other questions were disputed. Where and how is it acceptable to kiss? Is it acceptable to kiss in public? Can men and women show affection for each other in public without kissing? Or is it a private matter?

What Was More Important in Relationships for Nigerian Young People, Love or Money?

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As I noted elsewhere, “Miss Silva” wrote “Milady’s Bower” for the West African Pilot newspaper in the middle of the 20th century. She shared with Nigerian women and men her wisdom on modern love and gender relations. Her column included readers’ letter-written love stories. Their thoughts, feelings, and words on love opposed the conservative African norms of that time. Together, they discussed how to cope with their relationship problems (Aderinto, 2015). They discussed what was more important, love or money.

I believe that those narratives and dialogues may resemble those that men and women still encounter in their daily lives and romantic relationships in traditional, conservative countries nowadays.

Let us continue to listen to what Nigerian men and women experienced and what “Miss Silva” advised.

The Love Heartbreaks of Nigerian Affairs

The young Nigerian women and men who were willing to follow their hearts in their courtship and relationships frequently encountered clashes between their modern love aspirations and the old-fashioned conservatism of their social norms.

They often experienced romantic disappointments in contradiction with parental intervention in their personal courtship and love affairs. The articles and letters on their love challenges provided an in-depth look at important facets of their courtship stories. They talked about everything that brings people into romantic relationships. They discussed physical beauty, emotional attraction, and why love fades. They debated the role of ethnicity, social class, and educational level in relationships. They strived to be modern lovers. They still tried to avoid interpersonal conflicts and manage their heartbreaks with maturity.

Readers and authors of letters trusted Miss Silva when she helped moderate these debates.

How Young Were Nigerian Men and Women to Marry in the Mid-20th Century?

Men and women often discussed in “Milady’s Bower” the questions of when the proper age for marriage is and how long their courtship should last.

The old cultural traditions of West African societies taught them to marry and have children early in their lives. The modern generation of young people of that time preferred to marry later, until they were financially in a good position. The primary reason for delaying marriage seems to be the cost of the marriage.

Young people of the new generation of the mid-20th century spent more time acquiring a Western education. Men often delayed their marriages because of a lack of job opportunities and little money to satisfy their wives. At the time, there was an unprecedented increase in bride prices. Marriage became more expensive for men than in the “old days” because modern wives of that time expected conveniences and comforts. Many wanted housing in good neighborhoods, good furniture, and appliances. Those young people who were raised in rich families could afford to marry earlier.

Many women also thought that men put off getting married and didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of marriage because they wanted to stay single longer and have more casual relationships (Aderinto, 2015).

Marriage for Love or for Money?

“Miss Silva” commonly advised young men and women to marry for love and follow their romantic attractions. Her position was that love, not money, is the most important factor in relationships and marriage. However, she still acknowledged the importance of financial issues and wealth-standing for marriage. She encouraged gender equality and women’s independence in several ways.

“Miss Silva” was still practical in much of her advice. For example, she suggested women “do not marry a jobless man.” The colonial marriage culture of that time put more responsibility on men as breadwinners. At the same time, Miss Silva said that

“women should be gainfully employed and not depend wholly on men” and that “in modern society, women should not be scared about being the family breadwinner.”

(Aderinto 2015, p. 488).

How Long Was Too Long for Courtship?

Nigerian men and women also discussed how long they should court before marriage. They acknowledged that courtship should enable a man and a woman to get to know each other better and to understand the prospect of how good their marriage would be.

Specific opinions, however, varied. Some thought that the courtship could go on for a few months. Others believed it could even last a few years. They largely agreed, however, that courting relationships should not be too long so that “the intending couples are still within the marriage age”. In this regard, conservative West African societies had their own traditional cultural expectations (Aderinto 2015).

“Miss Silva” Advised Nigerian Women and Men on Divided Affections

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Throughout the 1930s -1950s, Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” ran her column “Milady’s Bower” in the newspaper West African Pilot. In her column, she talked with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. Her column discussed the compelling love stories of anonymous readers, which they told in their letters. Their thoughts, feelings, and words reflected their opposition to the established gender standards of African patriarchy. They discussed the difficulties they had in their relationships (Aderinto, 2015). “Miss Silva” advised men and women what to do when they experienced divided affections.

These stories can be like those that men and women in traditional conservative cultures still experience in their lives and relationships around the world.

What advice did “Miss Silva” give to women and men in Nigeria about life, love, and divided affections? Can they be useful for some young people in modern conservative cultural contexts?

How to Find a Peaceful Conflict Resolution in the Case of Divided Affections

What did Miss Silva advise lovers in cases when they felt they were not able to follow their affection to marry the beloved? First, “Miss Silva” advised them to explore all options for peaceful conflict resolution.

For instance, they were advised to act as if they were obeying their parents while working to appease them. In one such case, parents refused to allow their son to marry the girl of his choice because she was not from the same town. It was despite the fact that their places of birth were just 25 miles apart. Even after the oracles had given them a favorable confirmation, the parents persisted in refusing their son’s intention. It was an issue of “old-time conservatism.”

Miss Silva told him to get help from older people to ask the girl’s parents to let them get married.

Another reader, who commented from Lagos, mentioned another similar case, suggesting that a man tell his girlfriend to “obey [her parents] first and then complain.” And then, “if after she had obeyed her parents, and they still refuse, leave her and find another girl.”

To Obey or Disobey?

However, it was evident that neither obeying nor disobeying parental orders to marry within one’s ethnic group, social class, or town guaranteed marriage or romantic happiness. Lovers found themselves in difficult situations with people they cared about.

For example, the parents of a single man, who had just finished his teacher training, told him to break up with a girl from another town. And he did.

Then he selected a girl from his own ethnic group. She was “poor and only half educated.” Out of his “sympathy and true love,” he paid for her to be educated and trained to become a seamstress.

But, after years of preparation and planning, his bride-to-be told him that she would marry him only if he bought her a gold chain. It was a real frustration for him.

This situation is comparable to another one. In her letter to Miss Silva, a twenty-year-old woman explains how her parents enrolled her in boarding school. This way, they were able to make sure that she would not get involved in any relationships. However, after she graduated from high school at the age of eighteen, her parents betrothed her to the son of their friend. She was frustrated:

“I could not love this man … and I still dread the idea of marrying him.”

This girl had a boyfriend, a “handsome” man with a “good” job.

Her boyfriend’s parents, however, wanted their son to be a polygamist. That was what the girl did not like at all.

Miss Silva commented on this case to emphasize the belief that an individual’s happiness is paramount in all relationships:

“My Dear girl, you are still young and I will not advise you to risk life at this age. You may depend on my word that you have not met the right companion, and when you do your present outlook will change. You have a right to your own happiness and nobody should dictate to you. As to the second man you love, you should try to forget him as the future will be risky for you. Be patient and hopeful; you’ll soon have the right one.”

So, it was apparent that those facing parental disapproval of their own courtship faced a big problem. They went through the painful emotions and controversies of divided affections. Some girls and boys were still in love with their ex-partners, even after their parents refused to recognize their courtship.

For instance, another man told Miss Silva that he was in deep love with a girl. But after three years of courting her, her family refused to accept him as their future son-in-law.

Then, he tried to begin dating another girl. Yet, he acknowledged that he was still in love with his first girlfriend. The man queried Miss Silva:

“Do you think I can do away with this first girl entirely and cling to my new lover?”

Miss Silva told him to go back to his first girlfriend, even though her parents didn’t like the relationship:

“Courting another girl when you still love the first one is queer, unless you can grow to love her as the first one … One thing you must know and that is, the course of true love does not run smoothly.”

(quoted from Aderinto, 2015).

What Miss Silva Advised Nigerian Women and Men About Love and Marriage

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From the 1930s to the 1950s, the Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” of the West African Pilot offered relationship advice for young men and women. Her essays and anonymous reader letters on contemporary love of that time expressed their enthralling love tales. Their stories often showed the contentious thoughts and feelings they had because of their resistance to traditional norms of gender relations and African patriarchy. A frequent question she advised about was love and marriage (Aderinto, 2015).

Therefore, in her advice column “Milady’s Bower,” “Miss Silva” spoke with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. They also had a chance to tell their dramatic stories and express themselves freely and anonymously. Did you hear other stories like these?

What did “Miss Silva” tell Nigerian women and men about life and love? Can her advice be useful to you?

Let us listen to their dramatic stories (Aderinto, 2015).

To Marry or Not to Marry in Obedience to Your Parents?

Some letter writers complained about the fact that their parents wouldn’t let them pick their own partners. For example, one reader wrote to “Miss Silva” that when he was away from the town for a while “struggling with his life,” his old mother married him to a girl of her preference. But he said that he did not know the girl and had never seen her before. The reason his mother married him was because she was “unable to do any domestic work in the house”. This was why she married him to that girl.

The man sadly wrote in his letter: 

“Marriage as you see, is not a simple affair as some people seem to think. The happiness of lovers depends upon the love and sympathy between them and this is why a man should be left to choose for himself.”

He thought it was selfish of his mother to have married him to a girl just for her own domestic needs.

Another young man had a similar situation. His parents engaged him to a woman he didn’t love. He asked the columnist of “Milady’s Bower” for some advice, and Miss Silva told him

“stick to the girl you love best … Never mind what their wish is … Love is such a delicate thing and should not therefore be dictated to intending contracting parties by their parents.”

So, you see, what Miss Silva advised these men, and others in similar circumstances. She literally told them to defy parental authority and elope, or secretly marry without following traditional marriage rites.

Thus, miss Silva in her newspaper column empowered readers to be brave in making decisions about love and relationships. And she advised recognizing that by disobeying their parents, they could face certain cultural, social, and economic consequences.

But anyway, she encouraged them to investigate all of the possibilities for resolving the problem in a peaceful manner. In the frustrated situations they feared, she shared with them her words of wisdom, suggesting they follow their affection and marry a person who they love (Aderinto, 2015).

Love Problems that Concerned Nigerian Women and Men in the 20 Century

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The dramatic increase in literacy throughout West Africa during the first half of the 20th century precipitated a new era of cultural ideals in Nigerian society. The various print media expanded accordingly. Urban and educated people read more. They also wrote, sharing their experiences.

They expressed their new views on life, love, and relationships in Nigerian books and newspapers. These were the places where progressive Nigerians modernized love (Aderinto, 2015). West African literary love becomes more romantic in this new cultural climate.

Newspapers’ advice columns were the most interactive printed medium for urban people in southern Nigeria’s major cities to discuss their questions. Single young men and women were among the column’s primary readers, where they shared their views and expressed opinions. Advice columnists and readers both expressed their viewpoints. They discussed modern relationships, families, and love while writing the letters to editors.

“Miss Silva” Listened to Their Love Stories

For example, the Nigerian “Miss Silva” gave love advice in her column “Milady’s Bower” from 1937 until 1960. Her writings and anonymous letters from readers about modern love voiced their dramatic love stories. Those stories frequently ran into controversy with traditional African-style patriarchy and gender relations standards. So, the opportunity to speak freely without being identified was an important part of the colonial literary culture that this advice column brought to them.

Listen to What Nigerian Men and Women Said…

Let us listen to their stories…

“I could not love this man … and I still dread the idea of marrying him”

Nigerian men and women were concerned about forced betrothal and parental involvement in courtship. The freedom to choose a lover was one of the most important aspects of modern urban courtship, which was different from traditional rural culture. Some young men and women defied the “traditional” culture of betrothal by selecting a prospective bride or groom without their parents’ consent or approval. So, many letters to Miss Silva focused on the parents’ refusal to recognize a courtship. Some correspondents complained about their parents’ refusal to let them choose their own spouses.

“Dear Miss Silva, will you help me ease my present situation?”

Nigerian men and women were concerned about heartbreak, courtship, and sex. Heartbreak and romantic disappointment were also concerning issues for young women and men, in addition to parental involvement in courtship and love affairs. For them, being a modern lover meant avoiding or dealing with heartbreak maturely. The heartbreak letters and advice articles provided a deep understanding of key facets of the courtship relationship. Women and men shared their perceptions of physical appearance, interpersonal attraction, socialization, emotional attachment, ethnicity, gender, social, and educational status. They were concerned about all these and other issues that brought them together in romantic relationships.

Readers were more reserved about talking about sex and sexual relations. Is kissing in accordance with African culture? Where should men and women kiss, in private or in public? Can they show affection in public without explicit kissing? The kissing debates touched on important parts of intimacy. They discussed the thin lines between public and private displays of love. They talked about what is “decent” and what is “scandalous.”

‘Love is but a part of a man’s nature, while a woman’s whole existence breathes on it”

Gender roles and gender relations concerned Nigerian women and men when they were talking about modern love. In their writings, “Miss Silva” and her love advisers describe commonly accepted rules for modern relationships that apply to both sexes. They also explained that men and women do not love in the same way. Love is not completely genderless in their writing. The gendered nature of love is due to both biological differences between males and females and learned gender expectations in changing social and cultural contexts. Readers shared their views on modern masculinity and femininity.

“Milady’s Bower” Was a Transformational Public Cultural Club

Thus, we can see that, for Miss Silva and her correspondents, the newspaper became a public site where, on a daily basis, they could openly contemplate and publicly discuss the issues that concerned them. It was like a discussion club.

This mutual sharing of problems and the ways of life and love significantly contributed to the cultural development of new standards for what it meant to be a girl and a boy, a woman and a man, a wife and a husband, a mother and a father. All these discussions tremendously influenced what West Africans thought about the modernization of the colonial culture of love (Aderinto, 2015).

How Nigerian Education Changed Love in West Africa in the First Half of the 20th Century

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The cultural evolution of love in West Africa in the first half of the 20th century occurred. The increasing urbanization of society and its major cities, such as Lagos, Ibadan, Onitsha, Port Harcourt, and other southern Nigerian cities, and their transformation into first-class colonial urban centers supported this cultural transformation.

The concurrent rise in literacy among many Nigerians came along with it. The interest in Western education was growing in the country and region. Many young people moved to southern Nigeria’s cities in pursuit of education. Only a few of them returned home to become farmers. Metropolises offered modern amenities that suited their new lifestyle. From the 1920s to the 1950s, the number of southern Nigerians with post-secondary education grew by a lot (Fafunwa, 1974).

The enhanced English literacy increased newspaper reading and allowed Nigerians to express themselves. This new cultural climate made the West African literary culture of love more romantic.

Saheed Aderinto, a Nigerian American professor of history, published a recent article on how literary culture and romantic love were represented in colonial Nigerian print media (Aderinto, 2015). During the first half of the 20th century, the author says, Nigerians began to look at love as a historical and biocultural construct.

How Nigerian Newspapers of Colonial Times Changed African Views of Love

In his article, Professor Aderinto shows how the modernization of love in Nigeria took place among the literate Nigerians, the so-called aspiring sub-elites.

The Nigerian newspapers were a place where educated people expressed various opinions and views. The readers joined to discuss new concepts about life, modern relationships, families, and love. Columnists express their advice in the advice columns. And readers also became a real network for expressing their opinions. In a comparative perspective, they discussed the evolving conventions of love, sex, and marriage (Aderinto, 2015).

The Nigerian “Miss Silva” and Her “Milady’s Bower”

Looking at the colonial Nigerian newspapers of the first half of the 20th century, Saheed Aderinto focused on the women’s column titled “Milady’s Bower,” published by Nnamdi Azikiwe’s West African Pilot. The editor of the column, with the pseudonym “Miss Silva,” authored from 1937 to the 1950s articles on several issues of relationships. She also gave advice to lovers. In that column, she published unedited letters from pseudonymous or anonymous readers who mostly respected her opinions on topics. The column’s audience enjoyed reading the materials of anonymous authors. They also appreciated anonymity because it gave them an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about some controversial matters without the risk of public sanction for such expressions.

Among the major audience for this column was the urban youth of southern Nigeria’s major cities, largely single young men and women. The ideas of modern love relationships expressed by newspapers’ readers were often in controversy with the traditional African-style patriarchy and the established norms of gender relations (Aderinto, 2015).

Nigerian Discussion of New Gender Roles

The gender roles depicted in the column were modern rather than traditional. The modern girl was portrayed as an educated and working person. She would have strong emotional and bodily autonomy. The modern boy was portrayed as a “clean,” polite, and disciplined gentleman who was committed to a relationship. In courtship relationships, a lady would be regarded in terms of socioeconomic status as an equal person. The assumption of gender equality was evident in all urban settings, such as dance halls, movie theaters, and others. Advocates of modern love believed that the way men and women were involved in courtship would have a strong impact on their marriage. This Nigerian cultural model, which was talked about in newspaper advice columns, was similar to how North America and Europe’s love cultures were changing at that time.

What Was “Modern Love” for Nigerians?

The Nigerian newspapers highlighted an enduring generational conflict between the old and new generations of women and men. The publications affirmed modern love as abandoning traditional relationships as “boring.” (Aderinto, 2015)

Their “modern love” evidently included the ideas of individualism in relationships. The newspapers advised that love was a personal matter and that the passion and wish of a person for independence and happiness should guide them in love. The idea that love is a personal matter was revolutionary for that historical period in Nigeria. This idea contradicted traditional practices in which parents, family, and the community could moderate many aspects of a relationship, such as betrothal, courtship, or resolution of marital conflict.

The Cultural Evolution of Love in West Africa in the First Half of the 20th Century

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The transformation of Lagos, Ibadan, Onitsha, Port Harcourt, and other southern Nigerian cities into first-class colonial urban centers, along with the concomitant rise in literacy among many people, was essential to the cultural evolution of love in West Africa.

Growing Interest in Education Among Nigerians

Starting in the 1920s, colonialists’ growing interest in Western education increased school attendance. The elitist colonial education culture of the 19th and early 20th centuries gave way to a “populist” one. From the 1920s through the 1950s, the number of southern Nigerians with post-secondary education increased dramatically (Fafunwa, 1974).

The majority of educated young people had relocated to southern Nigeria’s big cities in search of education and salaried work. Few would return home to become farmers. Agricultural employment was paid less than government and private sector positions in cities. Besides, metropolitan centers provided modern amenities that suited their new preferred lifestyle.

The expansion of English literacy among the population had two effects. On the one hand, it increased newspaper readership. On the other hand, it allowed Nigerians to express their own views on life. That new cultural climate was ready to modernize West African love into a romantic passion (Aderinto, 2015).

Nigerian Courtship in the First Half of the 20th Century

During the colonial times of the first half of the 20th century, a variety of old and new cultural norms and practices took place in West Africa. They varied among people of different ethnicities and rural and urban residences.

In Nigerian society, both precolonial courtship culture and colonial courtship customs were practiced. This kind of transition caused a lot of tension and conflict, which urban youth tried to work out through arguments in the pages of newspapers and other print media.

The old traditional supervised courtship of the precolonial type was still common in many African tribes. For example, courtship among the Yoruba people of Nigeria, Benin, and Togo in West Africa came under strong communal supervision.

Parents and the community made sure that a prospective groom and bride would have limited contact before the full marriage rites were completed. That would prevent premarital sexual intercourse, which cultural norms of the Yoruba frown upon. The regulation of courtship did not allow a betrothed girl to meet her fiancé and his family without hiding her face by veiling.

Freedom of Courtship in Nigerian Cities

However, courtship in the cities was largely unregulated. A man and a woman had a certain freedom in their relationships. The freedom to choose a partner was an essential cultural option for young men and women in courtship in colonial urban contexts. It was a romance culture as opposed to the betrothal culture prevalent in the past. Some young men and women dared to choose a prospective bride or groom without their parents’ consent. Courting outside their immediate ethnicity and local community defied established ethnic and socioeconomic rules. If young men and women would court without their parents’ permission, they could not consummate their marriage (Aderinto, 2015).

Those young people whose courtship was not approved by their parents had a significant obstacle and came to the dilemma of split affections. Even though their parents wouldn’t accept their relationship, some men and women were still in love with their ex-partners.

Reading and Thinking About Love in Colonial Nigeria

During the first half of the twentieth century, the literate Nigerians largely living in cities were the aspiring sub-elites, interested in reading books and print media about many things, including families as important institutions of society.

Courtship, relationships, and modern love emerged in Nigerian print media and other public discourses. The public discussion of the concept of contemporary love and how people form relationships had a big impact on broader themes of nation-building and Nigerian social advancement. The modernization of love and family occurred in the minds of literate and educated Nigerians. Love was rethought by men and women as a modern historical and cultural concept (Aderinto, 2015).

The Challenges of Love Marriages for African Men and Women

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In the second half of the 20th century, social and economic modernization transformed traditional African marriages. Urbanization and social mobility were key contributors. Many young men and women moved to the cities. The new labor market and many new urban jobs superseded the importance of traditional rural labor and established family roles. Education significantly influenced this social and cultural shift. For many people, these societal dynamics were destroying a tribal, kinship-based communal framework of living.

The Evolution of African Marriages in the Second Half of the 20th Century

The transformations in many African societies, especially in urban areas, have changed how people view gender, marriage, and families. They modified mate-selecting and marriage practices. Families’ power to influence and manage their children’s marriages and relationships deteriorated.

The evolution of African marriage was difficult. Western norms of individualism were replacing rural stereotypes and mores. Men and women in African cities frequently struggled between collectivism and individualism. They could feel bad if they rejected family, but they’d be frustrated if they let their family members impose the old conventions on their lives.

Once again, geographical and cultural, rural and urban differences in these changes in relationships and marriages varied across the huge cultural diversity of the African continent.

The Changing Value of Individual Choice in Marriages

For instance, in many parts of West Africa, individual choice in mate choice has become socially acceptable only lately. This new opportunity became more affordable first among wealthy and educated men and women in metropolitan areas. Increasingly, they relied on their romantic love feelings in the selection of a spouse (Little & Price, 1973).

According to studies, African men and women across many countries also gradually came to prefer deciding who to marry based on their love feelings (Mair 1969; Little 1979; Smith, 2001; van der Vliet 1991). Romantic love became a criterion for mate selection.

Its significance and prevalence also increased in marital relationships. Companionship love became more common for some African couples. Here is an excellent illustration of modern African love:

“Chinyere Nwankwo met her husband Ike in the town of Owerri in southeastern Nigeria, where she attended a teacher’s college after completing secondary school in her village community. Ike was eight years her senior and a building contractor successful enough to own a used car, a prized symbol of wealth and success. On their first date he took her to the disco at the Concorde Hotel, at that time the fanciest in town. In addition to being educated, Chinyere was a beautiful young woman and consequently had many suitors. Her courtship with Ike lasted almost two years. During that time they often dined out and went dancing together. Among the more memorable events of their courtship were a weekend outing to the Nike Lake resort near Enugu and a trip to Lagos during which they attended a performance by Fela Ransome-Kuti, a famous Nigerian musician. During their courtship, each bought the other birthday cards, and for Ike’s birthday, Chinyere baked a cake. They went to many social events together and acknowledged to their peers that they were a couple. Not long into their courtship, Chinyere and Ike began sleeping together. Prior to approaching Chinyere’s people and his own family about their getting married, Ike proposed to Chinyere. They agreed together to get married and then began the process of including their families.”

(Smith, 2001, p.134)

Ike and Chinyere both said that they decided to marry because they had fallen in love.

Differences Between “Love for Marriage” and “Love in Marriage”

The two different tendencies are still present in African family relations. One is the changing cultural attitudes toward the value of individual choice and love in courtship. “Love for marriage” is more acceptable now than before. Another is the conservative attitude toward the value of companionate love between wife and husband, while the extended family is still of high value. Spousal “love in marriage” faced difficulties because it contradicted the high priority of “extended family love.”

Modern ways of African courtship tend to prioritize human relationships, interpersonal intimacy, and gestures of love. It gradually adopts a gender-neutral gender dynamic.

Nonetheless, the daily life of marriage and relationships between spouses remain intertwined with the larger family and community. Existing extended familial relationships and obligations are highly valued. The fertility of a wife and husband was very important, as well as their kinship functions. The patriarchal structure was still frequently reinforced in modern African marriages.

Thus, men and women in their social and personal interactions within families use both modern and traditional value systems to negotiate their relationships and achieve their goals (Smith, 2001; van der Vliet 1991). Mate selection, marriage, and family structures are evolving in modern ways. However, those changes and gender relations are still very sensitive to the values of fertility and parenthood. Even in current African cultures, collectivistic values and corporate kinship ties are still essential for the lives of new couples.

Love in Marital Relationships in Africa in the 20th Century

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Africa is one of the most culturally diverse regions in the world. For centuries, people from many different cultures have lived side by side in close proximity, still maintaining their cultural values, beliefs, norms, and practices. The differences occur not only between countries but also within countries. Many African societies have a tribal social organization with extended families. However, other societies differ in this regard.

Anthropological materials have shown that people have different ideas and beliefs about love and marital relationships (Karandashev, 2017, 2019). So, it is difficult to generalize this knowledge to the entire African continent.

Let us consider some typical cases of how love is related to marital relations. This can be revealing for readers from other parts of the world.

Could African Boys and Girls Love and Marry for Love?

The young man and woman could meet and initiate the interaction and relationships that could lead to marriage. Prospective brides and grooms met at neighbors’ homes, in the marketplace, or at religious festivals. They were free to express their interest in and liking for each other. They loved each other at a distance and could interact.

Premarital sexual intercourse of youngsters was openly permissible or tolerated in some African societies but not in others. Sex plays were acceptable as long as the vagina was not penetrated. For many Africans, the physical act of sex itself was not associated with feelings of guilt. However, due to its symbolic and magical consequences, sex involved a set of rituals.

The love attraction between boys and girls might be reciprocated or not. In the case of non-reciprocal feelings, they had their own culturally specific defensive mechanisms. In many African cultural beliefs, external outside forces wield far more power than internal individual efforts. So, if a boy or girl loved someone but their feelings were not reciprocated, they did not question their own shortcomings. They were more willing to seek the help of a witch or wizard to cast a spell or provide them with a magical potion that could attract the one they desired (Murstein, 1974).

However, their parents usually played a major role in deciding whom to marry because the dowry, or the payment of the bride price, was their responsibility. Economic considerations and inheritance were among the significant factors in marital and family matters. The groom and bride might have been betrothed as children.

Love was not a focal point of traditional African marriages for a long time. However, boys and girls were usually not forced to marry someone they disliked. Nonetheless, both boys and girls frequently welcomed the help of parents and relatives in finding a match for them.

Cultural Expectations for an African Wife

In traditional African marriages, every woman was supposed to marry, be a wife in a household, and bear children. So, according to cultural traditions, African girls were thinking about their future marriages and families as something due to be fulfilled.

In some African societies and tribes, the ideal bride should be a virgin. However, many other societies were not concerned about this. So, the attitudes towards premarital sexual relationships varied across African societies and tribes.

A boy and his parents, in selecting a girl for marriage, placed less emphasis on her beauty. Tribal life was based primarily on physical strength. So, the expectations were that the prospective wife must be strong, be an excellent cook, and be eager to work hard for the household’s economic prosperity. These qualities were more important than appearance. The emphasis was more on utility than on appearance or personality. She was expected to be submissive and respectful to her husband (Murstein, 1974).

Cultural Expectations for an African Husband

There was little information available about expectations for the ideal husband. Perhaps women were less able to express their preferences for the groom. Perhaps it was less important for their patriarchal family life.

Social organization in many African societies was tribal and based on extended families, which could be patriarchal or not. The husband’s role was much smaller than in nuclear families. He was necessary for a wife to conceive a child. He was necessary for the wife’s sexual pleasure. However, in extended African families, the husband was not necessary for the wife’s and children’s subsistence. It was not necessary to care for the pregnant woman or to raise children. Any member of the family could fill these roles (Murstein, 1974).

The relationship structures of African extended families were typically gender segregated. Men and women constituted different circles of relationships. In such an extended marriage, romantic or companionate love could be an obstacle. Actually, love could ruin the “wise” marriage plans of senior family members (de Munck et al., 2016).

According to anthropological studies (de Munck et al., 2016), the extended family organization of societies makes romantic love of lower importance for marriage. So, romantic love was often naturally absent in the cultures of such societies. It was the case in many African societies.

Marriages and Families in Egalitarian African Societies

In some other African societies, however, marital relationships are different and welcoming to romantic love. The Hadza people of the East African tribal societies of gatherers and hunters in Northern Tanzania represent an example. The culture of these people is not patriarchal; it is egalitarian. They follow the tradition of bilateral descent and do not recognize clans. Their practice of family lineage regards relatives on both the father’s and mother’s sides as equal in terms of property and wealth transfer, as well as emotional ties. The descent is bilateral, and both parents receive an equal inheritance.

This cultural value of equality is conducive to and supportive of love and love matches for marital relationships. The marital relationships of serial monogamy are common. Polygynous relationships occur on rare occasions. Men and women are free to divorce, and divorce is culturally acceptable. Infidelity is usually a major cause of marriage separation (Scelza et al., 2020).

Traditional Polygyny in African Marriages in the 20th Century

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Love, sex, and marriages in Africa are topics of special interest for scholars and the public worldwide. These emotional and relational aspects of African life differ significantly from those of many other cultures around the world (Karandashev, 2017). And we still know relatively little about what is going on in ethnically and culturally diverse African societies, tribes, and communities. How do they live? How do they feel? How do they relate to each other?

The Cultural Diversity of African Societies

Africa is home to a diverse range of different cultures and ethnic groups. People are very diverse in their languages, religions, and cultural traditions. Cultural diversity can be observed between countries of the African continent, within countries, and between and within tribal communities within and across countries.

Anthropological materials have shown that people of different cultures maintain their values, norms, and customs in relationships and emotional lives. Many studies have looked at how people in Cameroon, Kenya, Nigeria, and South Africa think about their relationships, emotions, love, sex, and marriage.

Among the interesting examples are the Fulbe of North Cameroon, the Taita of Kenya, the Igbo people of Nigeria, the Zulu people of South Africa, and the Himba people of northwest Namibia. Because of such great cultural diversity, it is challenging to generalize the typical patterns of relationships and marital practices in Africa.

Here is a brief summary of the findings that anthropological expeditions of the 20th century found in common about marriages among many African cultures and ethnic groups.

The Traditional Polygyny in African Marriages of the 20th Century

Polygyny, or having two or more women, was a traditional marital practice in Africa. It is the distinctive feature of African marriage that sets it apart from most Western societies. The African supporters of polygynous traditions argue that polygyny satisfies a man’s vanity and sexual appetite. At the same time, it gives every woman a husband and reduces illegitimacy.

Polygyny was widespread across many cultures in Africa, but it was optional. It was just the possibility of polygyny. It is worth noting that those who are willing could choose to live in a monogamous marriage (Murstein, 1974).

Polygyny was strongly condemned by Christians for religious reasons. The proponents of women’s rights saw it as a symbol of servitude. But in polygyny, on the other hand, a woman could take lovers if a husband failed to satisfy her sexual needs. Co-wives might have fierce competition between themselves. But such a rivalry was not about sexual jealousy. They worried about their children’s status in the polygynous inheritance order (Murstein, 1974).

Polygyny Was Declining in the Second Part of the 20th Century

In the second half of the 20th century, the cultural norms and quantity of polygynous marriages were on the decline. However, a growing interest and emerging adoration of everything indigenous to Africa counteracted this wane of polygamous marital practices. Therefore, in accordance with this cultural enthusiasm, the Pan-African Cultural Congress of 1969 reaffirmed its support for polygyny (Murstein, 1974).

Nonetheless, polygyny in marital practices continued to decline. They lost their popularity in the second part of the 20th century. This declining tendency was especially visible among the urban population.

Increased urbanization has changed the ways of African life. The mass migration of the African population to the cities made it challenging for men to afford several wives. It was difficult for men, in terms of living expenses and in small urban apartments, to accommodate multiple-wife families.

Other cultural factors also played a role in the decrease of polygyny. These marital practices continued to be devalued by the Christian influence. Western cultural norms gradually modernized some African societies. So, people’s views on gender equality and relationships between men and women were also changing.

Polygynous relationships were incompatible with romantic love ideals. Therefore, many African students in the cities supported the monogamy of marital relationships. However, they only made up a small portion of the population (Murstein, 1974).

Urbanization was not omnipresent. The majority of people living in various rural areas and remote regions across the African continent continued to oppose monogamous ideals and practices. New social tendencies had a different impact on different tribes depending on whether they were matrilineal and how polygyny was viewed in their cultures. These effects were fairly complex. The cultural progress was slow, with gradual changes.