Category Archives: marriages in cultural contexts

Love among Savages

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The questions of great anthropological interest are whether the savages of the old times loved; what kind of love and sexual relations they had; and how they loved each other.

Cultural anthropology of the 20th century has made tremendous progress in the study of love in many remote tribal societies of the world (Karandashev, 2017, 2019). Despite these great advances, we still have limited knowledge of how people in societies without the influence of modern civilizations lived and loved.

We have especially limited access to the knowledge of the previous centuries. The old times of savages have been increasingly disappearing from our reach. So, the availability of the old archives of love studies from the past is especially precious.

Let us explore those old archival treasures of love scholarship (Finck, 1887/2019).

Who Are Those Strangers to Love?

Here are some of the interesting evolutionary observations of Henry Finck:

“In passing from animals to human beings we find at first not only no advance in the sexual relations, but a decided retrogression. Among some species of birds, courtship and marriage are infinitely more refined and noble than among the lowest savages; and it is especially in their treatment of females, both before and after mating, that not only birds but all animals show an immense superiority over primitive man; for male animals only fight among themselves, and never maltreat the females.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

The Surprising Evolutionary Anomaly in the Sexual Relations of Savages

The author explained this evolutionary anomaly in sexual relations in the following way:

“The intellectual power and emotional horizon of animals are limited; but in those directions in which Natural Selection has made them specialists, they reach a high degree of development, because inherited experience tends to give to their actions an instinctive or quasi-instinctive precision and certainty. Among primitive men, on the other hand, reason begins to encroach more on instinct, but yet in such a feeble way as to make constant blunders inevitable: thus proving that strong instincts, combined with a limited intellectual plasticity, are a safer guide in life than a more plastic but weak intellect minus the assistance of stereotyped instincts.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

What about Romantic Love of Savages?

According to anthropological observations from those times, the sexual relations and emotional life of savages were too crude to be called “romantic”:

“If neither intellect nor instinct guide the primitive man to well-regulated marital relations, such as we find among many animals, so again his emotional life is too crude and limited to allow any scope for the domestic affections. Inasmuch as, according to Sir John Lubbock, gratitude, mercy, pity, chastity, forgiveness, humility, are ideas or feelings unknown to many or most savage tribes, we should naturally expect that such a highly-compounded and ethereal feeling as Romantic Love could not exist among them. How could Love dwell in the heart of a savage who baits a fish-hook with the flesh of a child; who eats his wife when she has lost her beauty and the muscular power which enabled her to do all his hard work; who abandons his aged parents, or kills them, and whose greatest delight in life is to kill an enemy slowly amid the most diabolic tortures?”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

Were These Romantic Courtships?

As it appears, romantic relationships among savages were not very romantic:

“Or how could a primitive girl love a man whose courtship consists in knocking her on the head and carrying her forcibly from her own to his tribe? A man who, after a very brief period of caresses, neglects her, takes perhaps another and younger wife, and reduces the first one to the condition of a slave, refusing to let her eat at his table, throwing her bones and remains, as to a dog, or even driving her away and killing her, if she displeases him? These are extreme cases, but they are not rare; and in a slightly modified form they are found throughout savagedom.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

The Sentiments of Love Appeared to Be Unknown by Savages

Henry Finck concluded that “Love” was a sentiment unknown to savages. And it was often mentioned in the works of anthropologists and tourists of the 19th century. He cited several observations and comments on this. Here are some of them.

When Ploss remarks that the lowest savages “know as little about marriage relations as animals; still less do they know the feeling we call Love,” he did a great injustice to animals.

As the sociologist Letourneau remarked: “Among the Cafres Cousas, according to Lichtenstein, the sentiment of love does not constitute a part of marriage.”

In speaking of a tribe of the Gabon, Du Chaillu wrote, “The idea of love, as we understand it, appears to be unknown to this tribe.”

Speaking of the polygamous tribes of Africa, Monteiro wrote:

“The negro knows not love, affection, or jealousy…. In all the long years I have been in Africa I have never seen a negro manifest the least tenderness for or to a negress…. I have never seen a negro put his arm round a woman’s waist, or give or receive any caress whatever that would indicate the slightest loving regard or affection on either side. They have no words or expressions in their language indicative of affection or love.”

(cited in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

Spencer commented on this passage, “This testimony harmonises with testimonies cited by Sir John Lubbock, to the effect

  • that the Hottentots “are so cold and indifferent to one another that you would think there was no such thing as love between them”;
  • that among the Koussa Kaffirs there is “no feeling of love in marriage”;
  • that in Yariba, “a man thinks as little of taking a wife as of cutting an ear of corn—affection is altogether out of the question.” (cited in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

A Couple of Words in Evidence of Love among Savages of the Past

Winwood Reade suggested an alternative view on savage love. He wrote to Darwin that the West Africans

“are quite capable of falling in love, and of forming tender, passionate, and faithful attachments.”

The anthropologist Waitz, speaking of Polynesia, wrote that

“examples of real passionate love are not rare, and on the Fiji Islands it has happened that individuals married against their will have committed suicide; although this has only happened in the higher classes.”

As Henry Finck noted,

“in these cases we are left in doubt as to whether the reference is to Conjugal or to Romantic Love; conjugal attachment, being of earlier growth than Romantic Love, because the development of the latter was retarded by the limited opportunities for prolonged Courtship and free Choice.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

The Stories of Nigerian Love in the 1960s

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The transformations of West African societies in the mid-20th century substantially changed the social conditions of people’s lives. Increasing urbanization was among those. Western cultural influences had affected the modernization of cultural life in Nigerian cities.

Let us consider the examples of romantic love from the ethnographic field study of Leonard Plotnicov, which he conducted in urban life in Nigeria. He presented several illustrative cases of romantic love from Nigeria between 1960 and 1962 (Plotnicov, 1995).

Romantic Lust or Romantic Love?

From Plotnicov’s observations and conversations, it appears that romantic love was of little interest for many men and women. The expression of lust, however, was an important part of the masculine gender role. For many Nigerian men, talking about sex and lust was more exciting than talking about love. Philandering was a common male behavior in relationships with women.

For some men, fulfilling their lust was like pursuing a favorite sport; they did this with great and passionate interest. They, however, had little interest in real romantic love and serious relationships.

Many Nigerian marriages did not involve love, both during courtship and during marital life. Love was rather an extramarital affair.

Many men had girlfriends and lovers before being married or during their marriages. But only wealthy men could afford to engage in frequent philandering. Men usually make an effort to keep their womanizing secret from their wives.

Nevertheless, the majority of women appeared to be aware of these indulgences of their husbands when they happened. Many wives had reason to be suspicious of their husbands’ womanizing. However, some were reluctant to voice their jealousy or protest against such extramarital relationships. In their spare time, men shared tales of philandering over rounds of canned beer in the neighborhood taverns. Occasionally, men told how their wives made trouble when they learned who their girlfriend was.

The Nigerian Men’s Stories of Romantic Lust

For example, Isaac, Musa, and Olu never experienced real romantic love. They preferred philandering and womanizing. Olu appeared to be a staunch traditionalist and a good Christian. He had no formal education, did not speak English, and always got dressed in traditional style. Unlike Olu, Isaac and Musa had an extensive Western education. Both were proud of their good command of the Queen’s English. Isaac always wore western attire, while Musa preferred to dress in traditional styles. However, both Isaac and Musa were modern-oriented men. However, terms like “modern” and “traditional” were not imperfectly precise in these cases (Plotnicov, 1995).

The Nigerian Men’s Stories of Romantic Love

Some other Nigerian men had little interest in womanizing behavior. They were more serious in their relationships.

In the other four cases, which Plotnicov portrayed, men had fallen in love. They were culturally conservative. Their descriptions evidently indicated that they experienced real romantic love. But the love of these men showed no evidence of Western cultural influences involved in the way they loved. This romantic love appeared to be culturally specific. And what was interesting was that the Western and modern-oriented Nigerian men expressed their experience of love in the same way as the culturally conservative men. Their romantic love was the fervent, ardent, and passionate desire for another, without whom a man felt utterly incomplete (Plotnicov, 1995). These examples were illustrative to show the cases of romantic love in Nigeria, where romantic love under traditional Nigerian conditions was unexpectedly present. As Leonard Plotnicov demonstrated in those anthropological cases, for the most part, these occurrences of romantic love could not be attributed to the Western influence of romantic love ideas. The cases could not also be attributed to other exogenous influences. Thus, Nigerians had their own endogenous cultural understanding of romantic love (Plotnicov, 1995).

Modern Western Love in Nigeria in the 1960s

Nevertheless, many instances of romantic love among modern-oriented men in Nigerian cities, which Leonard Plotnicov described in his ethnographic reports, reflected Western cultural penetra­tion and acculturation. Modern-generation men were typically younger, worked in trades or occupations introduced from Europe, and preferred to live in cities. They were commonly fond of various Western cultural products.

Romantic Love in the Taita Marriage Culture

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The Taita are an East African ethnic group that has lived in Kenya for four or five hundred years. They are also known as Wadawida or Wataita. The Taita are mostly farmers who reside in the southern mountainous region of the country. The Taita tribes consist of small communities known as clans and extended families.

In another article, I talked about the three kinds of love the Taita have: infatuation, lust, and romantic love. Each of these has its own feelings and ways of expression.

The third type of love, “romantic love,” is of particular interest to us in the context of this article. The Taita “romantic love” is an intricate emotional experience that combines passion and affection. This type of romantic love, as opposed to infatuation, is a more enduring affectionate bond. For the Taita, “romantic love” unites the characteristics of passionate romantic love and companionate romantic attachment. It seems that Taita does not distinguish between “romantic love” and “companionship love.” According to the Jim Bell’s anthropological field study, love is still present in the Taita marital relationships, even though some of them are arranged marriages, some are polygamous (Bell, 1995).

The Respected Taita Family System

The Taita culture follows a patrilineal pattern of descent that prioritizes the interests of the larger lineage over those of the individual. People accept and respect the passion that makes up folklore love stories. Although they respect the passionate feelings of youth, they encourage men and women to keep these strong emotions apart from the conventional marriage arrangements. They strive to limit individual passion so that these strong emotions do not disturb a normal relationship and the societal order.

Family Responsibilities Are the Priority in the Taita Marriage Culture

The people of the older generation encourage young and unmarried Taita men and women to keep their romantic and passionate relationships within limits to avoid diminishing their commitments to the extended family. So, many Taita men and women do their best to fulfill their responsibilities to the lineage and their family. They comply with their duties in an arranged marriage.

How Romantic Love Fits in the Taita Culture of Marriage

Once the responsibilities of an arranged marriage are fulfilled, romantic love may start to play a major role in choosing a new wife. Those who were in arranged marriages, not being romantically interested in their wives, might be in love with their “outside lover.”

Many Taita men admitted wanting to be in a relationship with another woman. However, they were frequently directed at someone unattainable. Only a few men admitted to being really in such a relationship. Nevertheless, these “affairs of the heart” often happen in Taita society.

One man who Jim Bell interviewed commented that

“it can happen that your heart is lost to one you can never marry, but you love that person for your life.” A middle-aged parent con­curred, saying that “this notion is not a rare one.” Many older men expressed their love for a woman who “belonged to another man.” Some informants assured me that they had lovers elsewhere or that some of the children I had interviewed were the offspring of lovers who “played in the forest together.”

(Bell, 1995, p.159).

How Taita Men and Women Manage Their Extramarital Affairs

The Taita keep their extramarital affairs very private, following elaborate rules. Taita lovers are discreet in their relationships and rarely show their emotions or affectionate relationships in public. They act as if they are strangers whenever they meet.

Usually, Taita strive to balance their family obligations and personal desires. They acknowledge that there are various reasons for keeping men and women in marriage. They are doing everything possible to express their emotions and love without undermining the existing social order.

The first and second marriages are intended to honor family responsibilities. After that, a man can allow himself to make his love the primary interest by taking on a new wife.

Dramatic Love Stories of the Taita Past

An old Taita woman admitted, recalling her younger years, that she was infatuated with three or four men at different times during her early teenage years.

“Her father had, however, arranged a marriage for her with one of hispeers. She had eight children. Several old men remembered their affairs in sharp detail, as though theyhappened yesterday, rather than some forty or fifty years earlier. A woman, also in her seventies, stressed (through an interpreter) that “even when I was a young girl, women were having babies before marriage. And others had lovers in the forest after marriage. “

(Bell, 1995, pp.160-161).

In private conversations with anthropologists, the old Taita people openly expressed their views on infatuation, lust, and love. They compared the stories from when they were young with modern life. They agreed that the Taita’s attitudes toward love had shifted with the passage of time and social conditions. (Bell, 1995).

African Love of the Taita People in Kenya

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The Taita are a group of East African ethnic groups who have lived in Kenya for four or five centuries. They are also known as the Wataita or the Wadawida. The Taita are predominantly highland farmers who live in a mountainous region of southern Kenya. The social life of the Taita tribes is structured by autonomous clans, including families. The clans are separate social groups that inhabit their own hilly territories. Early ethnographic reports of African life and gender relations were full of sexuality. They did not mention anything about love in relationships between women and men. Therefore, anthropologists once believed Africans could only love sexually. This initial ethnocentric misunderstanding of Westerners was the most typical way Europeans and Americans viewed African gender relations (Bell, 1995; Kenyatta, 1938/1953; Jablow & Hammond, 1977).

Acculturation of East African Love

European missionaries judged the “native” and natural sexuality of Africans as primitive. They taught them Western moral notions of Christian virtues and marital values. Missionaries preached “appropriate” sexual behavior and righteous family life. The Taita folk concepts of sex, lust, and love were refined and acculturized to some degree by European cultural influences. In East African culture, Western and African indigenous beliefs, traditions, and values blend somehow.

Unexpected Indigenous Taita Love

However, more attentive and culturally sensitive research revealed that East African cultures had their own native notions not only about sex and lust but also about love, even before Europeans arrived. They told their own love stories for years (Bell, 1995).

Anthropologist Jim Bell (1995) conducted a field study of lust, love, and romantic ideals among the Taita of Kenya, East Africa. Based on his observations, he argues that passionate and romantic love existed in Africa before the advent of Christian missionaries. These ideas and practices have been natural parts of African culture for a very long time, prior to European contact. Also, love for marriage might not be a new idea in the Taita culture.

Bell asserts that romantic love has always been a part of Taita culture. Love affairs, along with native sexual relationships, have been common in Taita daily life. In their interviews, Taita men and women explained that the words “ashiki” for desire and “pendo” for love existed before early European contact.

East African Love of Kenya

Anthropologist Jim Bell found that the Taita young people of Kenya chose their mates based on affection, physical attraction, and love. For example, younger Taita women liked to become involved with a “chosen lover,” who was usually someone their own age. Most of the time, physical appearance, sexual attractiveness, and passionate affection are certainly involved in these kinds of relationships. Some of these relationships endure for a lifetime (Bell, 1995).

Here is another Kenyan example of indigenous love. The Kikuyu people, a large Bantu ethnic group of Central Kenya, have always been allowed to choose a partner without parental influence on either side. (Kenyatta, 1938/1953, p. 165). Kenyatta, a native Kikuyu who was Oxford-educated, contended that in traditional Kikuyu society, young people relied on “love” in their mate selection. It was, however, in their traditional cultural ways. When a “boy falls in love with a girl, he cannot tell her directly that he loves her or display his devotion to her in public, as this would be regarded by Gikuyu [or Kikuyu] as impolite and uncultured” (1959, p. 165).

In the early accounts of missionaries and anthropologists about how the “natives” behaved sexually, this kind of relationship was either ignored or not mentioned at all.

East African Love for Marriage

The Taita young men preferred to mate with beautiful young women. It was a factor in choosing a potential spouse. The young Taita woman, on the other hand, preferred to mate with a young man who was a smart person, a good farmer, and a provider for a family. Evidently, a man’s physical appearance was less important in mate selection than compared to his personality.

Men placed more emphasis on physical characteristics than women did on personality and social position. However, the view of what is beautiful and desirable in a partner differed in the perception of men and women. And these differences affected the partners they chose.

Both men and women in Taita desire partners who display culturally appropriate graces (Bell, 1995). Men and women in the Taita culture distinguish three types of love.

What We Did Not Know About Taita Sex, Love, and Marriage

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The Taita people are several East African ethnic groups who have been living in Kenya for four or five hundred years. They are sometimes also referred to as the Wataita or Wadawida. The Taita are largely highland farmers who inhabit a mountainous area of southern Kenya. The Taita tribes consisted of lineages or clans. The lineages were autonomous social groups that occupied their own territories in the hills. 

Sex and Lust in African Tribal Life

Early ethnographic accounts of African life and gender relationships were filled with numerous tales of lust and sexuality. Travelers and missionaries in Africa did not mention anything about love. In the past, many anthropologists thought that Africans were not able to love in ways other than sex.

European missionaries reported on this kind of “native” sexual behavior, condemning these relationship practices. Therefore, they educated men and women in African tribes on how to live according to the Western moral ideals of family and religious virtues. Christian missionaries were obsessed with teaching “proper” family relations and sexual behavior.

This ethnocentric misunderstanding of Westerners, which the first missionaries narrated in their accounts, has been the most common way that Europeans and Americans thought about African gender relations (Jablow & Hammond, 1977, p. 16).

European influences culturally refined and framed the Taita’s folk notions of sex, lust, and love, which glossed over indigenous African emotions and feelings. This new language of relationships introduced by Westerners reflected internal feelings and private experiences that have always been present in Taita culture. East African folklore tell a few love stories that were known before Europeans arrived (Bell, 1995).

The Traditional Arranged Marriage of the Taita

The widespread practice of polygynous relationships and marriages was another concern of missionaries. They believed that women and men involved with one another outside of their monogamous relations were the primary sins of African society.

The real cultural practices of Taita marriage were, however, more complex and more pragmatic in their way of social life. The Taita people have long practiced arranged marriages. In the selection of a mate and getting married, the needs of the extended family and the tribal community were more important than the preferences of a young woman or a man. The parents and other relatives of the senior generation looked for a prospective mate for their children. Such a mate should be healthy and have an agreeable personality. Everyone in the family, including the prospective bride and groom, understood that the primary goal of arranged marriages was the welfare of the family, not the individual. Therefore, individual preferences, wishes, and feelings were deemed irrelevant in this case.

The Taita Polygyny

Polygyny, along with free sexuality, has been a common and acceptable cultural practice among the Taita tribes. Marital polygyny assumed that a man could marry several women for family relations.

Western missionaries regarded this widespread practice of women and men being involved with one another outside of marriage, which was presumably supposed to be monogamous. Westerners preferred monogamous marriage to polygamous marriage as a cultural norm. Therefore, they persuaded the Taita people about the cultural and religious superiority of monogamy. They transformed the tribal indigenous ideals of marriage and encouraged men and women to convert to the virtue of monogamy.

European missionaries introduced Western cultural features and the rituals that glorified monogamous marriage and love expressions into African daily life. Despite these new Western cultural marriage practices, polygyny remained a popular practice in their families’ relationships (Bell, 1995).

Love and Marriage of the Igbo People

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The Igbo people are an indigenous ethnic group located in southeastern Nigeria, in the regions of Abia, Anambra, Ebonyi, Enugu, and Imo States. The large ethnic groups of the Igbo people also live in other countries in Africa, such as Gabon, Cameroon, and Equatorial Guinea. Their cultural practices, traditions, customs, attire, music, and dances make the Igbo culture ethnically special. Their ethnic subgroups, however, are quite diverse. What about Igbo marriage and love?

Let us look at cultural ideas and social expectations about love that were prevalent in the late 1990s in Igbo-speaking Nigeria. The focus on kinship, marriage, and fertility is particularly important in this regard (Smith, 2001).

The Igbo Marriage

Igbo culture is patrilineal, and lineage exogamy is the norm in marriage. Marriages were often arranged by families and formed alliances between neighboring towns. Although it was never wrong for either men or women to reject potential spouses, doing so was often difficult due to social pressure to live up to expectations from the wider community and extended family.

The Igbo Love for Marriage

Before the Igbo people started to agree that marriage should be based on love, love was just a cultural idea and ideal.

But girls ran away to avoid certain marriages, and men went against their parents’ wishes and married the woman they wanted. A conflict between arranged marriage and personal choice always occurred. Folklore myths and fables tell stories of men and women who did things out of love.

Modern young Igbo men and women of the 1990s in Nigeria were more likely to choose their own spouses than their parents and grandparents. Romantic love and emotional closeness were two of the most important qualities to look for in a partner. In modern Igboland, most young people choose their own spouses, and almost all of those still in school expect this to be the case.

Choosing a spouse has become more and more a matter of personal choice. Romantic ideals put a high value on courtship patterns. Christian wedding ceremonies were becoming increasingly important to both young men and women.

Few marriages were strictly arranged in those days. A young couple who were in love and wanted to get married could often outlast their parents. The vast majority of young people get married on their own. But when a man and a woman actually got married, their extended families and communities joined them.

A lot of young people were still married to their mates from their own towns. More and more marriages were happening across traditional intra-Igbo cultural lines. And these marriages became more acceptable (Smith, 2001).

The Ideals of Romantic Love Among the Igbo People of Nigeria

The cultural ideas of romantic love were emerging among Igbo young men and women in the 1990s.

For example, the Nigerian film industry recently produced the popular film Taboo, which tells the story of a young Igbo woman from a royal family who falls in love with an osu. The osu people are the descendants of ritual slaves and fit the stereotype of being polluting and dangerous. People feared and despised the osu. The descendants of osu inherited their ritual duties and stigma. Many educated young Igbos had seen Taboo and were aware of the dilemmas of osu who fell in love with diala (freeborn).

“Taboo is a story about an osu-diala love affair, and the social consequences as the couple confronts entrenched prejudices. The daughter of an Igbo traditional ruler (eze) and a young osu man meet and fall in love at a university. Not surprisingly, the girl’s father vehemently rejects the idea that his daughter could marry an osu. In a twisting plot, the young osu man ends up saving the eze from a fatal palace coup engineered by one of his disgruntled wives. The osu becomes a hero, but he does not get the girl because he is killed in another valiant confrontation with evildoers, and the eze’s daughter is left to mourn her lover.”

(Smith, 2001, p.137).

According to Smith (2001), a few love affairs between osu and diala could lead to marriage in real life. However, the film represented and reinforced Igbos’ growing fascination with romantic love. People’s sympathies are with the lovers. Love does not conquer all in Taboo, but it does provide a space of freedom from traditional social conventions. The film Taboo, as well as other forms of media, promote romantic love and the individual choice of marriage.

Love in Igbo Marriage

Modern Igbo marriages welcome partnership and companionate love. An evolving concept of marriage emphasizes the intimate bonds between husband and wife. The young couple transitions from loving lovers in courtship to parents in marriage.

However, despite these transformations in modern marriage, Igbo people still rely on family and affine relationships. Marital sustainability depends on childbearing. Extended families still have a big influence at this point. Their approval and support are crucial for successful marriages.

The Importance of Fertility in Igbo Marriages

The family interests of Igbo people still focus on marriage and fertility. Successful parenting is viewed as fundamental to the full personality of the Igbo woman and man (Fortes, 1978). In Igbo-speaking Nigeria, gender relations, romantic love, and scripts of relationships have changed from traditional to modern in recent decades. (van der Vliet, 1991).

Gender Expectations of West African Men in the Mid-20th Century

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“Miss Silva” and her “Milady’s Bower” column shaped the new forms of urban masculinity in the mid-20th century in West Africa. That cultural image of a modern man of that time was better fitted to new city life’s realities (Aderinto, 2015).

What Being a Gentleman Meant for West African Men

The West African ethos of “gentlemanliness” was central to the new urban masculinity. Miss Silva defied the conventions regarding the physical appearance of a gentleman. She wrote that looking dandy or wearing a “shirt, collar, tie, trousers, coat, shoes, and hat did not make one a gentleman”.

Overall, a gentleman should prioritize manners over appearances. She praised men’s natural, attitudinal, and behavioral traits, like the advice that a gentleman “should not be bad-tempered.”

  • A gentleman “should try to admire others and envy none.
  • A gentleman “should be respectful and self-contained.”
  • A gentleman “should keep good company and avoid uttering evil words and bad language.” 
  • A gentleman “should be honest, truthful, and generous.”
  • A gentleman “should love others as himself.”

Miss Silva and her correspondents agreed that to be a true modern lover, a man must be a “gentleman” and not live a “pretentious life.” She thought that “gentlemanliness” was the most important thing that women liked about men:

“The most important thing that most women expect from men is that they should be gentlemen. There is only one kind of gentleman; and he is a man whose innate good breeding helps him to avoid giving pain to anyone; be that person man or woman, high or low, black or white. He never overrates his own personality, to the detriment of others; rather than commit this offence, he is always inclined to encourage others in their self-expression.”

(quoted by Aderinto, 2015, p.491).

What Else Did West African Men Need to Win the Hearts of Women?

However, to attract and keep a woman, modern West African men of that time needed something more than gentlemanliness. Living in the city and looking like a dandy or gentleman was not enough to get a girlfriend. Men must socialize in the proper places, attend dance shows, and go to movies.

Some young men felt disappointed and frustrated by urban life when they attempted to make social connections with girls for romantic and sexual relationships.

For instance, Onuigbo was one such young man who had no girlfriend five months after moving to Lagos. In his letter, he did not state explicitly what he was doing wrong.

As a rule of advice, Miss Silva believed that the way men behaved when they met a girl ultimately determined their chances of falling in love. She laid out the dos and don’ts of meeting a girl in her article “When you meet a lady” this way:

“Do not stare at her or cause her any embarrassment by walking into her way. By all means, avoid this showing that you are a gentleman, not nominally, but in practice. Do not try to create an impression by stating how great you and your achievements are. Men who show off may create a temporary amusement, but nothing more. Do not force yourself on her by proceeding to mention where you work and so on. She herself can ask for this if she is interested. Do not ask her impertinent questions, such as, Where are you going? Where do you work? Whom do you stay with? Such questions portray a shallow mind, coupled with lack of good behaviour. Do not give her your hands, even after introduction has taken place. She is the one to take the first step in this matter and not you. When you meet a lady, do not, out of prejudice, start to talk meanly of other women you know or exhibit their weaknesses. Vulgarity does not pay, rather it lowers one’s worth before others.”

(quoted by Aderinto, 2015, p.492).

Good Advice for West African Men to Fix a Relationship

Miss Silva’s belief was that men were typically to blame for broken relationships. She noted that men are generally less emotional than women and have a lack of emotional depth. Nevertheless, Miss Silva suggested that men should have the chance to voice their thoughts when women maltreat them.

For instance, Solomon Babalola wrote his letter in “Milady’s Bower” and complained that his girlfriend ended their one-and-a-half-year relationship. Babalola asserted that his girlfriend left him because he was poor. She left him for an ex-soldier who had been promised significant allowances by the government in exchange for his military service.

Babalola questioned Miss Silva with suffering in his heart if “women marry for wealth or for love”. He wrote once again to the newspaper two months later. He said that his ex-girlfriend had apologized. He consulted the other readers of “Milady’s Bower” on whether to take her back or continue with his new girlfriend.

The opinions of the readers were divided, expressing different views and suggestions (Aderinto, 2015).

What Was More Important in Relationships for Nigerian Young People, Love or Money?

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As I noted elsewhere, “Miss Silva” wrote “Milady’s Bower” for the West African Pilot newspaper in the middle of the 20th century. She shared with Nigerian women and men her wisdom on modern love and gender relations. Her column included readers’ letter-written love stories. Their thoughts, feelings, and words on love opposed the conservative African norms of that time. Together, they discussed how to cope with their relationship problems (Aderinto, 2015). They discussed what was more important, love or money.

I believe that those narratives and dialogues may resemble those that men and women still encounter in their daily lives and romantic relationships in traditional, conservative countries nowadays.

Let us continue to listen to what Nigerian men and women experienced and what “Miss Silva” advised.

The Love Heartbreaks of Nigerian Affairs

The young Nigerian women and men who were willing to follow their hearts in their courtship and relationships frequently encountered clashes between their modern love aspirations and the old-fashioned conservatism of their social norms.

They often experienced romantic disappointments in contradiction with parental intervention in their personal courtship and love affairs. The articles and letters on their love challenges provided an in-depth look at important facets of their courtship stories. They talked about everything that brings people into romantic relationships. They discussed physical beauty, emotional attraction, and why love fades. They debated the role of ethnicity, social class, and educational level in relationships. They strived to be modern lovers. They still tried to avoid interpersonal conflicts and manage their heartbreaks with maturity.

Readers and authors of letters trusted Miss Silva when she helped moderate these debates.

How Young Were Nigerian Men and Women to Marry in the Mid-20th Century?

Men and women often discussed in “Milady’s Bower” the questions of when the proper age for marriage is and how long their courtship should last.

The old cultural traditions of West African societies taught them to marry and have children early in their lives. The modern generation of young people of that time preferred to marry later, until they were financially in a good position. The primary reason for delaying marriage seems to be the cost of the marriage.

Young people of the new generation of the mid-20th century spent more time acquiring a Western education. Men often delayed their marriages because of a lack of job opportunities and little money to satisfy their wives. At the time, there was an unprecedented increase in bride prices. Marriage became more expensive for men than in the “old days” because modern wives of that time expected conveniences and comforts. Many wanted housing in good neighborhoods, good furniture, and appliances. Those young people who were raised in rich families could afford to marry earlier.

Many women also thought that men put off getting married and didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of marriage because they wanted to stay single longer and have more casual relationships (Aderinto, 2015).

Marriage for Love or for Money?

“Miss Silva” commonly advised young men and women to marry for love and follow their romantic attractions. Her position was that love, not money, is the most important factor in relationships and marriage. However, she still acknowledged the importance of financial issues and wealth-standing for marriage. She encouraged gender equality and women’s independence in several ways.

“Miss Silva” was still practical in much of her advice. For example, she suggested women “do not marry a jobless man.” The colonial marriage culture of that time put more responsibility on men as breadwinners. At the same time, Miss Silva said that

“women should be gainfully employed and not depend wholly on men” and that “in modern society, women should not be scared about being the family breadwinner.”

(Aderinto 2015, p. 488).

How Long Was Too Long for Courtship?

Nigerian men and women also discussed how long they should court before marriage. They acknowledged that courtship should enable a man and a woman to get to know each other better and to understand the prospect of how good their marriage would be.

Specific opinions, however, varied. Some thought that the courtship could go on for a few months. Others believed it could even last a few years. They largely agreed, however, that courting relationships should not be too long so that “the intending couples are still within the marriage age”. In this regard, conservative West African societies had their own traditional cultural expectations (Aderinto 2015).

“Miss Silva” Advised Nigerian Women and Men on Divided Affections

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Throughout the 1930s -1950s, Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” ran her column “Milady’s Bower” in the newspaper West African Pilot. In her column, she talked with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. Her column discussed the compelling love stories of anonymous readers, which they told in their letters. Their thoughts, feelings, and words reflected their opposition to the established gender standards of African patriarchy. They discussed the difficulties they had in their relationships (Aderinto, 2015). “Miss Silva” advised men and women what to do when they experienced divided affections.

These stories can be like those that men and women in traditional conservative cultures still experience in their lives and relationships around the world.

What advice did “Miss Silva” give to women and men in Nigeria about life, love, and divided affections? Can they be useful for some young people in modern conservative cultural contexts?

How to Find a Peaceful Conflict Resolution in the Case of Divided Affections

What did Miss Silva advise lovers in cases when they felt they were not able to follow their affection to marry the beloved? First, “Miss Silva” advised them to explore all options for peaceful conflict resolution.

For instance, they were advised to act as if they were obeying their parents while working to appease them. In one such case, parents refused to allow their son to marry the girl of his choice because she was not from the same town. It was despite the fact that their places of birth were just 25 miles apart. Even after the oracles had given them a favorable confirmation, the parents persisted in refusing their son’s intention. It was an issue of “old-time conservatism.”

Miss Silva told him to get help from older people to ask the girl’s parents to let them get married.

Another reader, who commented from Lagos, mentioned another similar case, suggesting that a man tell his girlfriend to “obey [her parents] first and then complain.” And then, “if after she had obeyed her parents, and they still refuse, leave her and find another girl.”

To Obey or Disobey?

However, it was evident that neither obeying nor disobeying parental orders to marry within one’s ethnic group, social class, or town guaranteed marriage or romantic happiness. Lovers found themselves in difficult situations with people they cared about.

For example, the parents of a single man, who had just finished his teacher training, told him to break up with a girl from another town. And he did.

Then he selected a girl from his own ethnic group. She was “poor and only half educated.” Out of his “sympathy and true love,” he paid for her to be educated and trained to become a seamstress.

But, after years of preparation and planning, his bride-to-be told him that she would marry him only if he bought her a gold chain. It was a real frustration for him.

This situation is comparable to another one. In her letter to Miss Silva, a twenty-year-old woman explains how her parents enrolled her in boarding school. This way, they were able to make sure that she would not get involved in any relationships. However, after she graduated from high school at the age of eighteen, her parents betrothed her to the son of their friend. She was frustrated:

“I could not love this man … and I still dread the idea of marrying him.”

This girl had a boyfriend, a “handsome” man with a “good” job.

Her boyfriend’s parents, however, wanted their son to be a polygamist. That was what the girl did not like at all.

Miss Silva commented on this case to emphasize the belief that an individual’s happiness is paramount in all relationships:

“My Dear girl, you are still young and I will not advise you to risk life at this age. You may depend on my word that you have not met the right companion, and when you do your present outlook will change. You have a right to your own happiness and nobody should dictate to you. As to the second man you love, you should try to forget him as the future will be risky for you. Be patient and hopeful; you’ll soon have the right one.”

So, it was apparent that those facing parental disapproval of their own courtship faced a big problem. They went through the painful emotions and controversies of divided affections. Some girls and boys were still in love with their ex-partners, even after their parents refused to recognize their courtship.

For instance, another man told Miss Silva that he was in deep love with a girl. But after three years of courting her, her family refused to accept him as their future son-in-law.

Then, he tried to begin dating another girl. Yet, he acknowledged that he was still in love with his first girlfriend. The man queried Miss Silva:

“Do you think I can do away with this first girl entirely and cling to my new lover?”

Miss Silva told him to go back to his first girlfriend, even though her parents didn’t like the relationship:

“Courting another girl when you still love the first one is queer, unless you can grow to love her as the first one … One thing you must know and that is, the course of true love does not run smoothly.”

(quoted from Aderinto, 2015).

What Miss Silva Advised Nigerian Women and Men About Love and Marriage

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From the 1930s to the 1950s, the Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” of the West African Pilot offered relationship advice for young men and women. Her essays and anonymous reader letters on contemporary love of that time expressed their enthralling love tales. Their stories often showed the contentious thoughts and feelings they had because of their resistance to traditional norms of gender relations and African patriarchy. A frequent question she advised about was love and marriage (Aderinto, 2015).

Therefore, in her advice column “Milady’s Bower,” “Miss Silva” spoke with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. They also had a chance to tell their dramatic stories and express themselves freely and anonymously. Did you hear other stories like these?

What did “Miss Silva” tell Nigerian women and men about life and love? Can her advice be useful to you?

Let us listen to their dramatic stories (Aderinto, 2015).

To Marry or Not to Marry in Obedience to Your Parents?

Some letter writers complained about the fact that their parents wouldn’t let them pick their own partners. For example, one reader wrote to “Miss Silva” that when he was away from the town for a while “struggling with his life,” his old mother married him to a girl of her preference. But he said that he did not know the girl and had never seen her before. The reason his mother married him was because she was “unable to do any domestic work in the house”. This was why she married him to that girl.

The man sadly wrote in his letter: 

“Marriage as you see, is not a simple affair as some people seem to think. The happiness of lovers depends upon the love and sympathy between them and this is why a man should be left to choose for himself.”

He thought it was selfish of his mother to have married him to a girl just for her own domestic needs.

Another young man had a similar situation. His parents engaged him to a woman he didn’t love. He asked the columnist of “Milady’s Bower” for some advice, and Miss Silva told him

“stick to the girl you love best … Never mind what their wish is … Love is such a delicate thing and should not therefore be dictated to intending contracting parties by their parents.”

So, you see, what Miss Silva advised these men, and others in similar circumstances. She literally told them to defy parental authority and elope, or secretly marry without following traditional marriage rites.

Thus, miss Silva in her newspaper column empowered readers to be brave in making decisions about love and relationships. And she advised recognizing that by disobeying their parents, they could face certain cultural, social, and economic consequences.

But anyway, she encouraged them to investigate all of the possibilities for resolving the problem in a peaceful manner. In the frustrated situations they feared, she shared with them her words of wisdom, suggesting they follow their affection and marry a person who they love (Aderinto, 2015).