Category Archives: Eastern cultures

When Romantic Love Was Real

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Romantic love ideas and folk and literary stories filled with love, romance, drama, happiness, suffering, and tragedy have inspired educated people across centuries and cultures. They were fascinating, captivating, and often intriguing. The love stories were engaging and emotionally sweet, bitter, or, more frequently, bittersweet. They attracted the interest of readers and listeners. The romantic fantasies have been delightful. People shared them and talked about them (Karandashev, 2017).

Was “Romantic Love” Real in People’s Lives in the Past?

What about the reality of romantic love? Throughout history, romantic love has been largely a genre of folk tales, literary novels, and art. It was rarely imbedded in the real lives of people. Commoners were often preoccupied with daily subsistence tasks, but in their spare time, they enjoyed oral folktales of love. They were commonly illiterate, so they were unlikely to read love stories.

Moreover, their day-to-day hard work did not leave them much time to think and cultivate romantic love in their real lives. The practical daily love of doing and caring for others was more important than romance. These practical bonds were stronger than romantic ones.

The educated people of the middle and upper social classes had more leisure time to read about and contemplate romantic love. However, their various family obligations of social and economic sorts also did not give them much freedom to entertain romantic love in real life. Socially and economically, they could not afford to listen to their hearts. They needed to listen to their social minds and their reasonable duties. They needed to care more about their family interests than their individual choices. In this regard, they were more like collectivistic people than individualistic ones.

Many kings, queens, sultans, lords, sheiks, and other upper-level aristocracies and gentries could love romantically but could not afford to marry for love. They were tied to my family’s connections and responsibilities. Some dared to live out and embrace their romantic dreams of love, sometimes even getting married for love. Some succeeded, yet many others failed. Many of these true love stories ended in sad and unhappy ways (Karandashev, 2017).

How Did Western Cultures Adopt Models of Romantic Love?

The cultural evolution from conservative traditional societies to liberal modern societies gave men and women more freedom in love and marriage. Some cultural contexts have historically been more favorable to romantic love than others. This is why some cultures, such as France, England, Germany, Spain, Italy, and Russia, are more romantic than others, like Japan, China, India, and other countries in the East Asian and Middle Eastern cultural regions.

The folklore and literary genres and stories of courtly love emerged in French and Spanish cultures in the 11th and 12th centuries, with certain cultural evolutions in other European countries, such as Germany and Italy. Some literary critics believe these plots of courtly love were the origins of the literary genre of romantic love. I believe it was still courtly love. The real flourishing of romantic love in literary novels and art was in the 17th and 19th centuries in England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Russia.

Many men and women in some European countries’ growing educated classes were more independent of social ties and family commitments, as well as economic dependency on their families. Some could afford to love and even marry for love. Their individualistic cultures gave them the possibility of real romantic love. They were more independent as individuals. That gave them the freedom of romantic love(Karandashev, 2017).

How Real Was Romantic Love Across Cultures in the 20th Century?

Only the 20th century allowed romantic love to prevail and even conquer marriage in some cultural regions of the world. Love marriages have become culturally normal in modern Western cultures, such as Western European and European American countries. It became possible because of their high geographic, economic, and relational mobility. Individualistic European American and West European cultures of the 20th century emphasized autonomy and individual choice. Men and women had more possibilities and partners to encounter. They were socially and economically independent, so they could afford to listen to their hearts’ love without social and family obligations. When they loved someone, they wished to marry their beloved.

Many East Asian and Middle Eastern societies have been collectivistic cultures with strong interdependence values. Even though the genres of romantic love were present in those cultural contexts across centuries, the number of romantic literary and artistic examples was lower compared to Western European cultures. Moreover, these were largely romantic dreams rather than romantic realities.

Even in the latter part of the 20th century, people in South-Asian, East-Asian, and Middle Eastern societies had relatively low geographic, socioeconomic, and relational mobility. Their collectivistic social norms underscored the cultural values of harmonious family interdependence and social duties rather than individual freedom. Even though men and women were free to dream about love, they were often not free to love in real life and relationships (Karandashev, 2017, 2022).

The only recent individualistic evolution in those collectivistic cultures has brought many more opportunities for men and women to follow their romantic love.

Love Destiny Across Cultures

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Is love really our destiny in life? What do different cultural beliefs tell us about love destiny? Our love destiny is likely to be our fate for life.

Love is a mysterious and unknown force that many cultural traditions consider fate and destiny. The English term “destiny” has Latin origins, denoting the meaning “determined.” It stands for a strong supernatural power that is embodied and personified as a cosmic or God’s superpower. It determines what happens in people’s lives and relationships.

The belief in fate and destined love suggests that there is only one true love and one predetermined marriage for life. Prospective partners are either meant for each other or not.

The Cross-Cultural Universality of Fate and Love Destiny

In many cultures and periods of history, people have held the view that love and a long-term relationship are their fate and destiny. These are the traditional European romantic love ideals found in literature and scholarship. Anthropological studies have shown that these cultural beliefs exist in many African and Asian societies (see for review, Karandashev, 2017, 2019).

These folk and literary perceptions are mirrored in words such as destiny and fate, which assume the existence of an ultimate agent that guides a person to perfect love and predetermined marital partnerships. True love is an unavoidable fate. It is beyond a person’s control. He or she just ought to succumb and accept it as destined love, with all that happens.

The Lexicon of Love Destiny Across Cultures

In many cultures and languages, there are words that express the meanings of fate, love destiny, or something similar. For example, the classical Greek word for an unshakable and binding destiny is “anánk” (starcrossed love). The Japanese word for the feeling that love with this person is inevitable is “koi no yokan.” The Chinese word for a force impelling a relationship’s destiny is “yuán fèn.” The Korean word for lifelong, unshakable love is “sarang” (Lomas, 2018).

We can see that the notion of predetermined love has appeared in a variety of cultures and languages. Here are just a couple of examples of the cultural beliefs in fate and destiny in love and marriage.

The Burmese Cultural Idea of Love Destiny

In a Burmese cultural context, here is the concept of love as fate. Previously known as Burma, Myanmar is a Southeast Asian country heavily influenced by Buddhist culture. Burmese folklore tradition teaches men and women that love is their fate.

The cultural myth tells people that shortly after one’s birth, the Hindu god Brahma writes one’s love destiny on the forehead. So, the destiny of love is what guides men and women in love and in their marital future, one for life. In Burmese society, there is no custom of arranged marriages. People follow their destiny.

Love is mostly involved in the marital relationship, along with sentimental affection, sexual attraction, sympathy, and attachment. However, despite its importance in men’s and women’s marital lives, love is exhibited in moderation (Victor de Munck, 2019; Spiro 1977).

Like in other East Asian societies, Burmese spouses are reserved in their emotional expressions.

The Chinese Cultural Idea of Love Destiny

These are the cultural beliefs about destined love in Chinese society. People have traditionally followed their faith through relational fatalism. Predestined relational affinity is embodied in the Chinese concept of “yuan” (Goodwin & Findlay, 1997; Yang, 2006).

Because they believe in a predetermined relationship affinity, people think that the type of relationship, how long it will last, and how well it will work are all determined by affinity.

The different types of yuan are the external and stable causal factors determining different types of relationships. This external attribution of the relationship to “yuan” plays its vital social-defensive and ego-defensive roles in the relationship.

In establishing a relationship, Chinese men and women particularly appreciate relational harmony. They have a fear of disharmony in the relationship and strive for harmony for the sake of harmony itself. Due to the attribution of yuan, family relationships are supposed to be kept harmonious and stable (Yang, 2006).

The Evolution of Marriage: From Arranged Marriages to Love Marriages

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The cultural evolution of marriage coincides with the evolution of societies from traditional collectivistic societies to modern individualistic societies. Increased social mobility, economic wealth, and other ecological, economic, and social factors all contributed to this evolution. All these circumstances of living allow certain ecological, economic, social, and cultural affordances. These affordances are what a specific society can afford individuals to undertake in certain settings of their lives to maintain a balance of social and personal interests. The values of freedom of choice and societal responsibility in marriages vary substantially between collectivistic and individualistic societies.

Social evolution has been increasing people’s ecological, economic, and social affordances, which were limited in traditional collectivistic societies but have become more readily available in modern individualistic societies. Economic and social progress has been driving cultural evolution from arranged marriage to love marriage (for a review, see Karandashev, 2017, 2021).

Arranged Marriages in Traditional Collectivistic Societies

Arranged marriages have been typical for traditional collectivistic societies, which are characterized by several ecological, economic, and social conditions of living that reduce ecological, economic, and social affordability in marriages. Strong interconnectedness, ingroup relationships, interdependence of members, and determined social organization characterize societies with collectivist cultures.

People in those societies have low geographic, socioeconomic, and relational mobility. Subsequently, social norms in collectivistic East Asian, South Asian, and Middle Eastern cultures emphasize harmonious interdependence and the social responsibility of individuals as cultural values. Men and women have limited freedom of choice and interdependence in their marriages. They have limited options and limited control over who, when, and how they marry. The parents and family are in control of their marriage. Therefore, their marriages are commonly homogamous and arranged by their parents or other senior members of their kin or local community. These marriages help groups stay together and compete with other groups, which is good for social survival.

In arranged marriages, parents impose limitations on their sons’ and daughters’ selection of mates based on certain economic and social circumstances of their lives. Young men and women have limited influence on the selection of their mates and the arrangement of marriage. These limitations are usually due to low social mobility, a tendency toward ingroup homogamy, and strong outgroup negative stereotypes. All of these factors, for the sake of community interests, limit men’s and women’s options for free mating.

Love Marriages in Modern Individualistic Societies

Independent social connectedness, ingroup relationship independence of members, and self-determined organization characterize societies with individualistic cultures. Therefore, ecological, economic, and social conditions of living have increased the affordability of love marriages in modern individualistic societies. The cultural evolution of marriage has occurred; love marriages have become more typical.

People in those societies have high geographic, socioeconomic, and relational mobility. Subsequently, social standards in individualistic European American and West European cultures emphasize autonomy, independence from others, and freedom of choice as cultural values.

People have greater freedom of choice and independence in their marriage. They have many possible options and a larger pool of prospective partners for their marriage choice. Men and women can have their own control over who, when, and how they marry. Therefore, their marriages are commonly heterogamous, and prospective partners select each other on their own based on personal preferences, such as attraction and love.

The socioeconomic and cultural circumstances of life in individualistic societies, which are largely mobile and wealthy, provide more affordances for love marriages. Parents and family do not limit their children’s choice of marital partners and are only moderately involved. The bride and groom are in control of their marriage. However, studies conducted in an individualistic American setting revealed that involving friends and family helps with marital issues.

Love marriages are viewed as culturally normative in modern Western cultures, such as in Western European and European American societies.

The Changing Views on Divorce in Pakistan

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For generations, Pakistani families and marriages have been endogamous. Their parents or other family elders arranged their children’s marriages. These were the “arranged marriages.” Currently, marriage is still a family affair in Pakistan. Despite modernization, arranged marriages are still widespread. Parents and other elderly people are involved in their married children’s future. However, the views on divorce in Pakistan are changing nowadays.

Divorce is frowned upon in Pakistani Islamic culture. Even discussing the potential for divorce in their extended families has been forbidden. However, the culture in Pakistan has been changing over recent years. Nowadays, the notion of divorce is not taboo anymore (Ahmed, 2021).

Cultural attitudes have shifted in many traditional societies around the world, including Pakistan, over the last few decades.

Cultural Evolution of Arranged Marriages

The idea that married couples should be in tune with their emotions and wellbeing is more culturally accepted now than before. People recognize that sometimes it is better to let go of something than to hang on to it. “Gone are the days when partners, especially women, could just stick with an abusive spouse because of the “What will people say syndrome.” (Sheraz, 2019).

Awareness and acceptance of gender equality, in some respects, are increasing in many countries, including Pakistan. In Pakistani society, education has played a significant role in the evolution of marriage. Modern women are more educated, so the concern about who will look after them has faded. Women today are more aware of their rights and choices. They have a better understanding of their rights and are aware that they can use their rights to achieve happiness. They understand that they have the freedom to walk away if they so choose.

As a result of changing cultural views, divorce rates are rising in Pakistan. Some can attribute the rise in divorce rates to the decline in arranged marriages and the rise in love marriages. This new social trend, however, may be caused by more people realizing that women and men have the right to choose who they want to marry and how they want to live their lives (Sheraz, 2019).

The Modern Right to Choose a Partner for Marriage and Divorce in Pakistan

In the end, men and women choose their own happiness over the happiness of their parents. Although this may appear cruel, it is critical for youngsters to consider their own destiny. Parents have already accepted their decisions, and it is now up to the children to make their own choices (Ahmed, 2021).

A divorce can be no bad thing at all, if it paves the way for a better life and the wellbeing of the people. Instead of enforced interdependence, which keeps a man and a woman together in an unhappy relationship, they get independence, which gives them the possibility of a better relationship. Arranged marriages have been based on economic and social needs for survival. Nowadays, many societies free people from the need for survival. As a result, the modernization of their culture provides the opportunity to pursue a happy relationship.

How are Pakistanis finding their partners these days? According to one of the recent Gallup polls conducted in Pakistan, only 5% of Pakistanis said they had a love marriage, while 85% of Pakistanis met their spouse through parents or close relatives (Sheraz, 2019).

Modernization in Pakistani Culture and Divorce in Pakistan

With the passage of time, better education, women’s empowerment, and western influence have changed Pakistani culture and people’s mindsets. Regardless of the modern shift in cultural attitudes, men and women may still face criticism if they come forward with a partner they wish to marry. Unfortunately, offensive actions against those who seek to express their freedom continue to occur in Pakistan and in the Pakistani diaspora abroad (Ahmed, 2021).

Assimilation of immigrants from Pakistani culture into other societies occurs slowly. It is likely that the second generation of Pakistanis will be able to better adopt new perspectives. And the cultural evolution of Pakistani marriages towards positive acceptance of love marriages will continue.

Social transformation from collectivistic societies of interpersonal interdependence to individualistic societies of interpersonal independence is the modern tendency of cultural evolution. People need to acknowledge that cultural evolution from arranged marriages to love marriages is inevitable. It just takes time.

What Pakistani Women and Men Think About Divorce

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Some modern Pakistani women and men sometimes think about divorce, despite the culturally negative attitudes toward divorce. Traditional Pakistani family relationships and marriages have been endogamous for centuries. How does it look in Pakistan?

The boys’ and girls’ marriages were all arranged by their parents or other family elders. They found a suitable mate for their adult child, planned their wedding, and wished them well. That’s why these methods of family arrangement are dubbed “arranged marriages.”

These days, marriage is still a family matter in Pakistan. Parents and other elderly people feel responsible for their children’s future. Therefore, they are used to being active in their future marriage arrangements. Arranged marriages are still common despite their modern transformation.

The Pakistani Traditional Culture of Marriage

These marriage traditions have been related to the Pakistani communal and cooperative cultures of the past. Familial bonds are the basic means of community life. In Pakistan, the extended family is valued more than the nuclear family.

The extended family system is interwoven and intertwined. In many cases, spousal ties are weaker than other family obligations. Marital love and happiness are of lower importance. Parents are heavily involved in their children’s new families since they planned and organized their marriages. They perceive their son’s or daughter’s families as part of their large extended family. They can even intervene in situations when their son or daughter no longer wishes to remain married.

All these social and economic factors of Pakistani traditional life influence people’s cultural attitudes toward the idea of divorce. This is why Pakistani women and men rarely think about divorce.

These cultural factors also affect what men and women think and feel when, in the case of turbulent marital relationships, they try to contemplate the possibility of divorce. Let us consider the challenges that women and men encounter in such circumstances.

The Economic Challenges of Divorce for Pakistani Women

For women, for example, economic reasons have been the main reason for staying with their husbands. Who would support them if they left? Therefore, women are told to compromise on any issues in their relationship with their husbands for the sake of their security and subsistence. A woman would not have the resources to support herself once she was divorced:

“Divorce is a “nightmare” for her, affecting her financially, socially, and psychologically”

(Qamar & Faizan, 2021, p. 352).

“Her decision to stay in the marriage made it possible for her to practice choices regarding her employment and public mobility as well as decisions regarding her”

(Khurshid, 2020, p. 103)

Parental Families Are Unwelcoming for Divorced Women

A common perception of Pakistani marriages as stable can be deceptive and misleading. Such marriage “stability” can conceal the hidden problems of family relationships, making them invisible to outsiders. In traditional Pakistani culture, the return of married adult children to their different family homes is frequently frowned upon by their parents. Many parents never open their doors to their divorced children when they return home (Ahmed, 2021).

Therefore, rather than returning to their parental home and being confined to the rules of their house, women find more freedom in remaining in their marriage. They remain in marriages even though they are unhappy.

Here is an example of how a woman in the interview stated her reason to stay:

“She realised that returning to her parents’ home would invite ridicule and blaming from the community members and even from some members of her own family. She would not be seen as a ‘wise’ woman for leaving a man who did not have any extreme flaws”

(Khurshid, 2020, p.103)

Many women act wisely in marriage relationships. Instead of wasting time and ruminating on their unhappiness, they find satisfaction and settle into other things. Many of them find contentment in their children and relationships with other women in their extended family (Ahmed, 2021).

Challenges of Divorce for Pakistani Men

While it is more stigmatized among women, it is not deemed acceptable for men either. Pakistani men are also under pressure to keep their promises and stay in the marriages that have been arranged for them, including love marriages.

A Promise of Cultural Change: What do modern men and women think about divorce?

Thus, we can see that divorce is a difficult topic to discuss and even contemplate, both for women and men. The main reason is that in traditional Pakistani Islamic society, people have a negative mindset about divorce. Even talking about the possibility of divorce in their extended families is usually forbidden.

Pakistani culture, however, has evolved in recent years. Divorce is no longer regarded as a taboo subject. Over the last few decades, cultural attitudes have altered in many traditional societies around the world, including Pakistan. All this gives a promise of possible changes.

Cultural Views on Divorce in Pakistan

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For generations, traditional Pakistani family relationships and marriages have functioned as endogamous unions. The parents of the children or other family elders arranged all marriage matters for the boys and daughters. They found a prospective mate for their grown child, organized their wedding, and cared about their future family life. This is why such matrimonial practices are called “arranged marriages.”

What Is Special About Pakistani Marriage Today?

Nowadays, marriage is still a family affair in Pakistani culture. Parents and other adults in the family feel responsible for their children’s future. They are accustomed to being involved in their marriage decisions, wedding arrangements, and later marital lives.

Pakistani traditions are collectivistic and follow a community-based way of life. The large extended family, rather than the nuclear family, is the foundational unit of community life. All family members are interdependent and intertwined with each other in many ways in the family structure. Spousal bonds are often no stronger than those with other members of the family. Love and intimacy between spouses are of lower importance than family responsibilities.

The priority of extended family over nuclear family is the main reason why arranged marriages have been common in Pakistani society for years. Since parents planned and arranged the marriages for their children, they were active in many of their new families’ interactions and relationships.

What Are the Cultural Attitudes Toward Divorce in Pakistan?

Traditionally, marriage in Pakistani society has been set up to fulfill family duties. For any family member, the responsibility of others was a priority. The pursuit of marital happiness was not in focus.

Therefore, Pakistani Islamic culture looks down on the idea of divorce. The Prophet said that, “Of all things permitted, divorce is the most hated by God” (Ali, 2003). Because of this, many religious Pakistanis take this statement very seriously. Even conversations about the possibility that divorce may happen in their extended families are not allowed. Zara Ahmed (2021), however, argues and contends that cultural reasons rather than religious ones are the main reasons why divorce is avoided.

Spouses, young or old, were supposed to manage any problems in their relationship for the sake of family preservation at any cost. Parents tell their married children that they need to live with their spouse despite anything that happens in their lives. They suggest that “suffering through the hardships of marriage is the right thing to do” (Ahmed, 2021, p. 8).

That especially refers to women. They are taught to understand, compromise, and do anything more than leave their marriage.

Public perception and opinion about family life rather than happiness in family relations are priorities for parents and kin. Parents cared more about “what the town gossip may have begun to say about them.”(Ahmed, 2021, p. 8).

To Divorce or Not to Divorce?

Pakistani arranged marriages tend to be stable and endure for years. Do they have a cultural recipe for marital happiness? The cause of such stability, however, is different. Marriage “stability” has other reasons that make spouses remain in their marital relationship despite anything.

In general, parents do not usually welcome their married adult children’s return to their family homes. Many parents never leave the doors of their home open for their divorced children to come back.

Traditional culture teaches women and men that once they are married, they are married for life. Their parents encouraged them to do all possible things to bring peace to their marriage. Therefore, women and men stay in their marriages in order to satisfy their families. Their personal happiness takes a backseat.

For better or worse, spouses are aware that their extended family will never accept divorce. Therefore, it is pointless to try. It is extremely difficult to convince the parents’ family to agree with this.

Marriages in the Pakistani Diaspora Abroad

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The Pakistani diaspora in other countries often has the same conservative views on marriage as Islamic culture in Pakistan. Traditional Pakistani households and family unions have formed and run as endogamous marriages for many centuries.

In the arranged marriages, the children’s parents or other senior relatives arrange all matrimonial issues for the sons and daughters. They select a prospective bride or groom. They organize the children’s weddings and continue to be involved in many of the relationships in their new families.

Since the family structures are not nuclear, they all feel like part of their large extended family, which is interdependent in many respects. The matters of family life are to fulfill the duties and responsibilities for the practical issues of subsistence and wealth. Arranged marriages are effective in ensuring social and economic survival, security, stability, and affluence.

Love works as the pragmatic love of serving each other and being responsible for each other, rather than an interpersonal relationship and emotional intimacy. Love is just a romantic phantasy and dream. It is for leisure entertainment rather than for real life.

The Time of Change in Pakistani Culture

However, in the last few decades, a lot of social and economic changes have occurred in Pakistani society. As a result, many Pakistanis’ cultural views on marriage have shifted toward modern beliefs and attitudes about family roles and marital relationships. Former social and economic pressures have waned, while the importance of interpersonal relationships has grown. Subsequently, contemporary understanding of arranged marriages shifted towards a better acceptance of interpersonal attraction and love between partners in such marriages.

Yet, some people in Pakistan are still conservative and not very receptive to these new cultural tendencies in their perception of family, marriage, and interpersonal relationships. They resist these progressive advancements. They are less ready to adopt these open-minded cultural perspectives.

Conservative Pakistani Diaspora Abroad

It is worthy of note that some Pakistani families and communities living in other countries, such as the US and Canada, can be strictly conservative in their attitudes toward marriage. The Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada (2019) witnessed such abusive cases among the immigrants in the Pakistani diaspora. For example,

“If the husband’s family does not approve of the marriage, it could encourage the husband to be physically or psychologically abusive toward his spouse, a situation that could result in divorce or murder. Sometimes, the husband’s family physically abuses the wife”

(p. 2).

It looks like the family is attempting to get revenge. Other times, they are dissatisfied with the care or attention given to their child’s spouse. They believed that the daughter-in-law was meant to move into the home to look after them (as they did for their in-laws), rather than enjoy her life with her husband and start a family. Besides, when parents choose a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, they assume the couple will work things out and stay married no matter what problems come up.

In another case, when their son or daughter finds a partner for themselves, parents may encourage them to separate and go their separate ways, even if the couple has no problems. For parents, it is challenging to comprehend that their child is now married and that everything should move on. Nevertheless, the nagging parents may frequently grumble at their married children that

“this would never have happened if you had married so-and-so” or “this is why I told you to marry so-and-so and not this girl.”

(Ahmed, 2021, p. 7).

The Proper Understanding of Pakistani Islamic Culture?

Zara Ahmed believes that the mentality of Pakistani people should evolve and accurately understand their cultural religion of Islam. It is not correct to use religion to cover their actions without a proper understanding of religion. It is painful to learn that by hurting others, you serve the Islamic faith. It is disheartening when people do things like this while saying they are following God (Ahmed, 2021).

The new generation of adults is attempting to make their voices heard and properly understand Pakistani culture and the teachings of Islam. As Ladly (2012) noted, young adults are increasingly asserting their rights against the traditions of forced marriage and parental authority. Thus, they are implicitly challenging one of the most powerful institutions in Pakistani society.

They should be able to transform Pakistani culture and shape more open and accepting attitudes towards marriage. There should not be a contradiction between arranged marriages and love marriages. Love is compatible with family values.

Controversies of Love Marriage in Pakistan

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Through the centuries, traditional families and marriage in Pakistan operated through arranged, endogamous marriages. Parents or other senior family members arranged the marriages of their children. For pragmatic reasons, young men and women married whomever their families selected for them. Romantic love or personal liking were of lower importance.

Many cultural norms, traditions, and practices have recently changed in Pakistani culture. Modern Pakistanis’ attitudes have shifted in recent years toward more accepting cultural views of love marriages.

Progressive Parents, Happy Children

New cultural norms in contemporary Pakistan are more tolerant and accepting of marriages in which men and women initiate their marital relationships. Some parents are pleased that their children take the initiative to choose life partners on their own. They recognize that their children are adults who know themselves and their family’s opinions well enough to make an informed decision about marriage. Parents may think that “if the decision is theirs, they cannot blame me if, God forbid, something goes wrong.”

These parents believe that their grown children should make their own decisions on matters important to their future lives. And they should deal with the consequences of these decisions. This way of thinking embodies wise parental attitudes toward this matter. Such new cultural perspectives have more frequently come to mind in recent years. It is a rapidly growing part of Pakistani culture that accepts and even encourages children to find their own relationships (Ahmed, 2021).

Conservative Parents, Unhappy Children

However, not all categories of Pakistani society welcome this new cultural trend. Some meet these progressive innovations with resistance. This part of Pakistani culture is more conservative in their view and, therefore, not willing to accept this open-minded approach.

Such parents may feel disappointed because they believe their parents made decisions for them, and now it is their turn to make decisions for their children. These parents are fighting for a chance to decide in the same way that children are exercising their right to choose. It is difficult for them to recognize that their boys and girls try to make their own choices.

Young men and women are increasingly pressuring their parents to listen to them. That is what parents may be reluctant to do. It is difficult for parents to make compromises for their children’s happiness. It is even harder for them to admit that whatever they had expected to happen would not occur. The parents are not content with the decisions being made (Nazir, 2021).

Resistance of Pakistani Parents to Children’s Wish for Love Marriage

A common conservative reaction to a wish that a son or a girl have a love marriage is to condemn, resist, and reject it. Consequences can be negative for children. Violent reactions within the household can also happen.

Some families can be explicitly outspoken in their resistance to the freedom of marital choice. These parents are unable to comprehend, support, or accept the child’s decision. They tell their adult children up front that they will not marry anyone who is not chosen by their parents. They say that they must learn to live with that parental decision, thus asserting their right to an arranged marriage.

What if Boys and Girls Decide to Disregard Their Parents’ Wishes?

When boys and girls choose to disregard their parents’ wishes, some families can go to extremes of violence. Here is one example of a case that occurred in 2012. “Pakistani newspapers routinely carry articles about couples who faced violence as a result of marrying without their families’ consent. In one recent case, The Express Tribune reported last month that a couple, Almas Khan and Shamim Akhtar, were killed in Chakwal, Punjab, over the weekend of Id al-Fitr, the holiday ending Ramadan” (Ladly, 2012).

In Pakistani culture, families can carry out such actions, pretending as if their child has dishonored them. In such cases, both the man and the woman are frequently murdered since they are both deemed to have disobeyed the word of the parents, and ultimately God (Ahmed, 2021).

In Pakistan’s patriarchal society, adults assume that they know their children better and can make these decisions for them. It’s tough for them to accept a child’s decision and regard them as adults in charge of their own lives when they come to them with one.

What if Pakistani Parents Agreed to Their Children’s Desire for Love Marriage?

The parents who have agreed to their child’s wishes are still not truly happy with such a decision. On the surface, family members may accept the child’s own decision, but internally, in their implicit minds, they can plot ways to end the relationship or marriage. Thus, many challenges remain for the new progressive movements in marriage arrangements.

Thus, some Pakistanis remain traditional and resistant to these new cultural tendencies in family, marriage, and interpersonal interactions. They are less willing to accept these open-minded cultural attitudes. They disagree with these progressive changes.

Love in Modern Arranged Marriages in Pakistan

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Traditional marriages in Pakistan were formed through arranged marriages. Most of them were endogamous marriages, when parents or other senior family members arranged marriages between the groom and the bride within the same extended family or community clan. Consanguineous marriages ensured the family’s socio-economic status. They permitted people to keep their familial bonds and assets within the same social group.

The traditional marriages in Pakistan have functioned to preserve families socio-economic status and relationships.

These arranged marriages fulfilled family responsibilities for financial, social, and economic security. Love and romance were of secondary importance in these matters. Modern social and economic changes in Pakistani society and ethnic communities have substantially transformed cultural attitudes toward arranged marriages.

However, in recent decades, the modern cultural evolution of marriages in Pakistan has changed the way men and women marry.

Love Can Be Compatible with Arranged Marriages in Pakistan

Modern cultural norms and people try to accommodate the possibility of love in a traditional Pakistani arranged marriage. As previously stated, parents allow their children to have a certain freedom in relationships before committing to marriage. Nevertheless, many young boys and girls come to their parents for their advice and direction in making important life decisions, including marriage. They appreciate their opinions.

It appears that in many cases, love marriages are intertwined with arranged marriages and keep children, parents, and society happy. Many young people know that keeping their parents in the loop when they make big decisions is in their own best interest. This way, both parents and children are involved in making the decision. Senior members of the family feel like they participate and offer advice. This gives them an opportunity to “save face” in the community because it appears that they are playing up their part in the marriage. Children are also happy because they are able to make their own decisions in the selection of their marital partner for life (Ahmed, 2021).

New Cultural Forms of Arranged Marriage in Pakistan

Other boys and girls may use another, new version of arranged marriage. They are set up by adults in the family. And then they get to know the other person and decide if they will marry them. Zara Ahmed describes such an experience as follows:

“This is how my marriage evolved. I was introduced to my husband through our families, we spoke on the phone, were permitted to travel to see each other, and then allowed the parents to hash out the details.” (Ahmed, 2021, p. 5).

This form of mixed “arranged” and “love” marriages is the new norm in Pakistani culture. It gives both parents and children satisfaction. In particular, “women can self-make and build toward a future of financial security and emotional fulfillment in an environment of limited options and considerable patriarchal control” (Maqsood, 2021, p. 94).

The New Cultural Forms of Marriage in Pakistan

The cultural changes in modern Pakistani society change the ways older and younger people view marriage. Now, marriage is not simply a responsibility or an obligation that needs to be taken on. Modern young adults prefer to “create families and homes around companionship and understanding. It is time for parents to shed caste and creed, as this matters very little to the ultimate happiness of their children and future generations” (Nazir, 2021).

These changes take place even though some adults of the past generation may not feel convinced of their reality. These changes are able to make a difference in Pakistani culture. Religion is still respected, and cultural changes are becoming more accepted.

The Modern Evolution of Marriages in Pakistan

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Traditional marriage and family in Pakistan functioned through the customary type of arranged marriages. These were mostly endogamous marriages, in which parents or other senior family members arranged marriages between men and women within the same extended family, clan, local community, or tribe. Such consanguineous marriages secured the endogamy of the family to maintain its socio-economic standing. These kinds of family unions allowed people to retain family affiliations and household assets within the family or clan.

In another article, I explained how traditional marriage functions in Pakistan as an arranged marriage.

In an arranged marriage, men and women marry whomever their families choose for them for practical reasons. The marriages were their family responsibilities to pursue financial security, social respect, and economic suitability. Romantic attraction and love were of second importance.

The Modern Time of Cultural Changes in Pakistani Marriage

Throughout recent decades, many things have changed in Pakistani culture. Western cultural influence has evidently had an impact on the cultural norms and minds of men and women. The social mobility of men and women, especially among the urban population, has substantially increased. The mentality of many people in Pakistan has changed in recent times (Maqsood, 2021).

The cultural attitudes of parents have altered and become less conservative. Now, they enable and even advise their children to get educated, socialize with friends, consume locally branded goods, and undertake Westernized leisure activities. They send children to private English-medium schools and even encourage them to travel abroad. This is a new cultural direction for people in Pakistani society.

Many young men and women feel delighted that their parents support their intentions to study, work, and travel, postponing their commitments to marriage. Parents frequently support their children’s interests and advise them to enjoy their social lives. They allow their children to look for themselves and begin to think about marriage when they themselves feel ready.

Modern Change in Cultural Practices of Marriage in Pakistan

Nowadays, marriages are a lower priority for young Pakistani people. Parents enable children to take part in many things to enjoy life before they make themselves committed to marriage. They even allow them to date each other before they make the important decision to marry.

Zara Ahmed illustrated the new cultural freedom in Pakistani society this way.

“I reached out to a family friend in Pakistan, and she confirmed the amount of change that has taken place in the culture back home. Her older sister was married off at the ripe old age of eighteen and was told to focus on the house and her children, rather than worrying about her education and career. It is important to note that the sisters have a ten-year age gap; this allowed for ten years’ worth of change before it was time for my friend to speak to the aspect of marriage. Now my friend regularly socializes with both girl and guy friends, travels to places like Dubai and Turkey with just her girlfriends – no chaperones, and has completed an undergraduate degree and is on her way to completing a graduate degree. Her parents bring up the topic of marriage gently and just as a reminder to her to keep an eye out of any potential partners she may be interested in.”

(Ahmed, 2021, p. 5)

Modern Pakistani culture has come to understand that marriage is not only about obligations and duties but also something more than that. Parents now understand that interpersonal attraction can play a role in marital relationships.

“The local notion of understanding, used to talk about premarital relationships, offers a window on the way love introduces “new conditions of possibility” (Maqsood, 2021, p. 94).

Many, however, are still reluctant to openly accept that love marriages are on the rise in their culture. Some still oppose these kinds of relationships—the tradition of arranged marriages has its lingering effect.