Category Archives: marital love

Free Scandinavian Marriages and Free Families

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Marriages and families in Scandinavian countries are the free unions of independent individuals. “Open unions” are widely accepted in those societies. Men and women in both certified and uncertified marriages have equal rights and responsibilities.

Do Marriages still Exist in Scandinavian Countries?

The frequently asked question among Scandinavians is whether the institution of marriage is disappearing. Social scientists and journalists began to express such concerns in the early 2000s. For instance, Stanley Kurz, an American conservative commentator, wrote in 2004 in the magazine Weekly Standard that “Marriage is slowly dying in Scandinavia.” He believed that “same-sex marriage has undermined the institution of marriage.” How realistic and adequate are such concerns?

The data, on the other hand, indicates that this is not the case at all. According to the Nordic Statistical Yearbook, the number of marriages in the Nordic countries has increased since 1990, albeit with varying trends and shifts in different societies of that region. This trend can be seen throughout all of the Nordic nations (Love and Relationships in Scandinavia, 2015).

In reality, Scandinavian marriages have just become more diverse than before. People take their right to freedom and interdependence for granted, while still respecting their responsibilities.

We should keep in mind that people in the Scandinavian nations can be in either certified or uncertified marriages. The accepted practices of so-called “open unions” have existed in Scandinavia for a very long time. These kinds of de facto unions of partners are widespread and even prevalent. Both partners have rights and responsibilities concerning their property and inheritance. In a case of separation, both men and women have obligations regarding maintenance payments.

As one Finnish woman noted,

“I have been there, done that. To me, getting married just means finding someone to be with and to be loved, and of course, that is something that everyone wants.”

Scandinavians Highly Value Love, Good Relationships, and Parenthood more than Marriages

In Scandinavia, having a delightful, long-term relationship or becoming a parent is very important to many Scandinavians. Many Scandinavian couples choose to live together without getting married, a practice known as “sambo.” Some of these couples eventually decide to get married, largely to celebrate their union with a wedding ceremony and have a big party.

It is true that modern Scandinavians appear to be waiting longer to marry. It is quite normal for a couple to wait until they are in their 30s after finishing their studies before getting married. However, they also wait longer when they decide to divorce.

Longer education, career, or the cost of purchasing the apartment are some of the reasons for a late marriage. In addition to that, weddings in Scandinavia have become increasingly elaborate and costly. Church weddings are expensive. Therefore, many Danish couples now prefer a civil ceremony. Legal marriage is regarded as an important step in life among people living in Scandinavian countries. These steps, however, are secondary in importance after having a loving, long-term relationship or parenthood. As one Swedish woman of 27 years old commented,

“Marriage is a contract and a symbolic commitment to remain together forever. At the same time, it is an expression of love. These ideals of stability, love, and commitment haven’t gone out of style, even in progressive and liberal Scandinavia.”

Maria said this when she was in her late 20s, unmarried, and six-months pregnant.

The Free Scandinavian Families

For many Scandinavians, marriage is no longer a precondition for starting a family. It is not necessary, neither normatively nor legally. A nuclear family is changing its form. About 60% of the parents of first-born children are not married. And a marriage certificate is no longer required in order to obtain housing.

It may appear strange to men and women in other cultures that many Scandinavians wait so long before getting married. They may even already have one or two children before marriage, but in Scandinavian countries, it is a cultural reality. In other words, as Danish social scientist Mogens Nygaard Christoffersen of the National Social Research Institute commented,

“What defines and makes the foundation of the Danish family can be said to have moved from marriage to parenthood.”

Did Personal Beauty Matter in Sexual Selection among Savages?

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Modern theories of sexual selection have stressed the importance of physical beauty for mating preferences in contemporary societies. However, according to early studies, physical appearance is of greater importance for men looking for women than for women looking for men.

It was interpreted from a presumed evolutionary perspective, as some researchers suggested. According to their theory, youth and beauty are the signals of fertility in women—what presumably men want in their female mates to produce more offspring.

For some reason, these researchers did not mention an esthetical pleasure that could drive such sexual selection of men.

These researchers also suggested that, on the other hand, women look for resourceful men for mating preferences. Such a preference presumably has a sexual selection underpinning. The researchers also suggested that for women, the physical appearance of men matters much less. In another post on this blog, I talked about how the importance of physical appearance and good looks varies between men and women.

This set of theoretical assumptions and interpretations leaves room for discussion, which is outside the scope of this article (see Karandashev, 2022a for a detailed look at the question).

Here I would rather invite you to look at the anthropological observations of the 19th century that reported how physical beauty mattered for sexual selection among savages who were much closer to our biological evolutionary roots. Let us look into the brief review presented in the book of Henry Finck—one of the old archival treasures of love scholarship of that time (Finck, 1887/2019).

Sensual love was involved in sexual selection and mating of savages

Henry Finck came to the conclusion that “love” was an emotion unknown to savages of the past. And it was frequently cited in the works of 19th-century anthropologists and travelers. He provided a number of observations and remarks on the topic.

In the “courtship” types of “capture-wife,” “purchase,” and “service“ widely practiced in the savage societies of the past, women and men had limited freedom of selection of their mating partners.

Yet, in many other primitive tribes, men and women had much more freedom of choice. Other anthropologists suggested an alternative view of savage love. They reported that in some tribes, the savages were quite capable of falling in love and forming passionate, tender, and faithful attachments.

Freedom of selection was more common among the lower races. In such instances, girls had a lot of freedom to accept or reject a potential suitor. Henry Finck cited several anthropological observations of this kind. Charles Darwin also noted that women in barbarous tribes had the power to choose, reject, and tempt their lovers. And afterwards, they could change their husbands.

What role did personal beauty play in these mate selections?

Primitive Women of the Past Chose Men with Personal Beauty

The data evidence for this was scant, yet available. As Henry Finck cited,

Azara “describes how carefully a Guana woman bargains for all sorts of privileges before accepting some one or more husbands; and the men in consequence take unusual care of their personal appearance.”

Another example is among the Kaffirs:

“very ugly, though rich men, have been known to fail in getting wives. The girls, before consenting to be betrothed, compel the men to show themselves off first in front and then behind, and ‘exhibit their paces.’”

Darwin, for example, tries to show that men’s custom of having beards is a result of sexual selection by women (Finck, 1887/1902/2019).

It should be noted, however, that women generally chose not the most handsome men, but rather those whose pugnacity, boldness, and virility promised that they would provide the surest protection against enemies. General domestic delights were also taken into account.

Here is one example:

 “before he is allowed to marry, a young Dyack must prove his bravery by bringing back the head of an enemy”

Here is another example:

when the Apaches warriors return unsuccessful, “the women turn away from them with assured indifference and contempt. They are upbraided as cowards, or for want of skill and tact, and are told that such men should not have wives.”

(Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

As Henry Finck honestly admitted,

“the greatest amount of health, vigour, and courage generally coincide with the greatest physical beauty; hence the continued preference of the most energetic and lusty men by the superior women who have a choice, has naturally tended to evolve a superior type of manly beauty.”

(Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

Primitive Men of the Past Chose Women with Personal Beauty

The cases of men, as sexual selection theory predicts, are much more probable than the cases of women exemplified above. Men frequently chose their wives based on aesthetic beauty standards. As Henry Finck noted, throughout the world’s societies, the chiefs of tribes usually had more than one wife.

For instance, as Mr. Mantell told Darwin, almost every girl in New Zealand at that time who was pretty was tapu to some chief.

According to the evidence of Mr. Hamilton, among the Kaffirs

“the chiefs generally have the pick of the women for many miles round, and are most persevering in establishing or confirming their privilege.”

(Quoted by Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

In Some Savage Tribes, Personal Beauty Was Less Important

However, the value of personal beauty varied in primitive societies of the past. In the lower tribes, “communal marriage” and “marriage by capture” prevailed. So, aesthetic preferences and the choice of beauty were much less important.

The importance of physical appearance and personal beauty increased only in less pugnacious tribes, such as the Dyacks and the Samoans. The children in those tribes of the Dyacks “had the freedom implied by regular courtship.”

The children in the tribes of the Samoans “had the degree of independence implied by elopements when they could not obtain parental assent to their marriage” (Spencer, as cited by Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

The Unusual Beauty Standards of Savage People

Sexual selection among the lower races, however, was often not good because men and women selecting their mates had bad aesthetic taste. The beauty standards of those savage people were of primitive taste. They selected those not with harmonious proportion and capacity for expression but rather with exaggeration:

“The negro woman has naturally thicker lips, more prominent cheek-bones, and a flatter nose than a white woman; and in selecting a mate, preference is commonly given to the one whose lips are thickest, nose most flattened, and cheek-bones most prominent: thus producing gradually that monster of ugliness—the average negro woman.”

(Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

It should be honestly admitted, however, that judging their aesthetic taste and claiming that our contemporary taste of beauty is better is not right and not fair.

Sensuous Beauties of Savages

Thus, we see in this article that the admiration of personal beauty added a certain aesthetic overtone to the amorous feelings of savages. However, it was only the sensuous aspect of personal beauty. This admiration was purely physical. The intellectual and moral facets of beauty were unknown to them.

Many savage men married their chosen girls when they were still mere children. It was before their slightest sparks of mental charm.

Therefore, those savage men did not see the qualities which could illumine “her features and impart to them a superior beauty; and subsequently, when experience had somewhat sharpened her intellectual powers.”

Later in her life, however, “hard labour had already destroyed all traces of her physical beauty, so that the combination of physical and mental charms which alone can inspire the highest form of love was never to be found in primitive woman.” (Finck, 1887/1902/2019, p. 61).

Did Individual Preferences Play any Role in Primitive Savage Courtships?

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Modern courtship and dating allow men and women to choose a mate for marriage and family life. Contemporary people may think marriage has always been this way. It may then be interesting to learn how ancient savages loved, courted, and had sexual relationships.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, cultural anthropology made a lot of progress in the study of sex, marriage, and love in remote tribal tribes (see for review, Karandashev, 2017, 2019). Looking into the old archives of love studies from the 19th century shows a fascinating part of history that can help with love scholarship today.

In the previous articles, I briefly showed what savage love was, what “wife-capture courtship” was, and what other sorts of courtship practices among savages were in the past centuries.

Four types of courtship practices – “capture,” “elopement,” “purchase,” and “service” – were widely used among various savage tribes in the past. It seems the personal preferences of prospective mates, at least of a woman, were not taken into account (Finck, 1887/2019).

Did women have any choice? Did Darwinian sexual selection play any role in those old savage times of human evolution?

How Savage Men and Women of the Past Courted Each Other

Anthropological studies of the 19th century unveiled four varieties of courtship among primitive savages: “Capture,” “Elopement,” “Purchase,” and “Service.” (Finck, 1887/2019).

Primitive people on all five continents used these “Capture-Wife” dating practices for hundreds of years. The community of a tribe owned women like other property. No man could take a woman for marriage because he would violate someone’s rights. Therefore, a man couldn’t privately marry a woman within his tribe.

The only option he had was to steal or buy a bride from another tribe. If he stole a woman from another tribe, she was his property. If the woman did not want to be stolen, the man could force her by knocking on her head and pulling her to his tent in the tribe. In this case, when a man captured a woman from another tribe, as a pride of conquest, he had a right to have her as a wife. Then, he married her (1887/2019, Finck).

“Elopement” appeared later in the social evolution of humans. These kinds of courtship were widespread until recent centuries. It was a practice of stealing a bride by elopement when both a man and a woman wanted to marry each other, but their parents resisted or “presumably” resisted their marriage.

The “Purchase-wife” practices were of two different sorts. In the first case, the girl has no choice but to be sold by her father for a certain number of cows or camels, sometimes to the highest bidder. In the second case, the girl was allowed a certain degree of freedom in her choice. The “Service” form of courtship is practiced when a man rendered to the prospective bride’s parents some services in exchange for getting a wife. The man preferred to purchase her rather than steal her because, in this case, a wife was likely to be valued more than one stolen or bought. Besides, during the period of his service, the betrothed girl looked upon him as a future spouse. That time of service gave some room for the possibility that some feelings would grow between them.

Was Love Involved in Savage Courting?

Thus, one can see that all the courting practices relate to indirect or mediate courtship.

As Henry Finck commented on the “Capture-wife” way of courtship:

“When a girl is captured and knocked on the head she can hardly be said to be courted and consulted as to her wishes; and the man too, in such cases, owing to the dangers of the sport, is apt to pay no great attention to a woman’s looks and accomplishments, but to bag the first one that comes along.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 60).

Henry Finck also noted the “Purchase” courtship:

“the girl is rarely consulted as to her own preferences, the addresses being paid to the father, who invariably selects the wealthiest of the suitors, and only in rare cases allows the daughter a choice, as among the Kaffirs if the suitors happen to be equally well off.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 60).

In the case of courtship by “Service” again, the suitor worked not to please the daughter of the parents, but rather to compensate the parents for losing her labor.

The Savage Courtship in the Modern Sense of Sexual Selection In some instances, however, the savage courtships of the past resembled courtships in their modern meaning. These practices were largely among the lower races. The lovers paid their addresses directly to the girl, and she chose or rejected them at will.

Henry Finck quoted the Ploss who observed this custom as prevailing among the Orang-Sakai on the Malayan peninsula:

“On the wedding-day, the bride, in presence of her relatives, and those of her lover, and many other witnesses, is obliged to run into the forest. After a fixed interval the bridegroom follows and seeks to catch her. If he succeeds in capturing the bride she becomes his wife, otherwise he is compelled to renounce her for ever. If therefore a girl dislikes her suitor, she can easily escape from him and hide in the forest until the time allowed for his pursuit has expired.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 60).

In support of his theory of “sexual selection,” the British naturalist Charles Darwin observed its existence among the lower races:

“in utterly barbarous tribes the women have more power in choosing, rejecting, and tempting their lovers, or of afterwards changing their husbands, than might have been expected.”

Darwin also cited the following cases:

“Amongst the Abipones, a man on choosing a wife, bargains with the parents about the price. But ‘it frequently happens that the girl rescinds what has been agreed upon between the parents and the bridegroom, obstinately rejecting the very mention of marriage.’ She often runs away, hides herself, and thus eludes the bridegroom. Captain Musters, who lived with the Patagonians, says that their marriages are always settled by inclination; ‘if the parents make a match contrary to the daughter’s will, she refuses, and is never compelled to comply.’ In Tierra del Fuego a young man first obtains the consent of the parents by doing them some service, and then he attempts to carry off the girl; ‘but if she is unwilling, she hides herself in the woods until her admirer is heartily tired of looking for her, and gives up the pursuit; but this seldom happens.”

(quoted in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 60).

The Primitive Courtships of Savages

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Courtship and dating were modern rituals that enabled men and women to choose a mate or partner for marriage and family life (Karandashev, 2017). Sometimes, one may think that these marital practices have always been this way. So, it may be curiously fascinating to learn what love, courting, and sexual relationships looked like among primitive savages of the past.

Cultural anthropology made enormous strides in the 19th and 20th centuries in studying sex, marriage, and love in remote tribal tribes (see for review, Karandashev, 2017, 2019). Let us look into the old archives of love studies from the 19th century. They depict an intriguing history that can be helpful for love scholarship nowadays.

In the previous articles, I briefly showed what savage love was and what the practices of “wife-capture” were in the past centuries.

Here I summarize four courtship practices, which were widespread among various tribes of savages in various primitive cultures of the past. I use the old archival treasures of love scholarship (Finck, 1887/2019).

Four Types of Courtship among Savages

Romantic love and romantic relationships are primarily associated in modern scholarship with the courtship period of relationships. So, it is interesting to see what kind of opportunities for courtship the old primitive societies provided. The anthropologists of the 19th century discovered among semi-civilized people and savages four grades of courtship: “Capture”, “Elopement”, “Purchase”, and “Service”. Henry Finck briefly examined these types of courtship (Finck, 1887/2019). Let us consider these largely widespread courtship practices of the past.

The “Capture” Type of Courtship

According to this tradition, a man who wants a bride must steal or buy her from another tribe. He could not marry privately within his own tribe. Women, like other forms of property, were owned in common by the community. So, no man could take a woman for himself without overstepping someone else’s rights. However, if he stole a woman from another tribe, she became his exclusive property.

This primitive style of courtship was far ruder than animal courtship. If the woman resisted, the man knocked her on the head and dragged to his captor’s tent. A man who captured a woman from another tribe had a right to guard her and appear with pride of conquest. The primitive man’s pride was like that of a warrior with many scalps in his belt. Marriage follows capture. Rather than love, feelings of conjugal sentiments prevailed in this case (1887/2019, Finck).

Primitive people on all five continents used these “capture-wife” courtship practices for hundreds of years.

The “Elopement” Type of Courtship

“Wife-capture” was still present in many societies in the 19th and 20th centuries in the form of “elopement.” This happens when the parents oppose the young men and women’s choice. It is still widely practiced, even when all parties involved consent. These traditions of “sudden flight” and an impulsive marriage enhance the romantic flavor of the honeymoon. Additionally, this lets the newlyweds escape the awkward formalities and routine rituals of the wedding day.

The “Purchase” Type of Courtship

This kind of courtship is a substantially more civilized form of courtship. It is a somewhat higher evolutionary stage of courtship compared to “capture.” This “purchase” custom came in two different grades.

“In the first the girl has no choice whatever, but is sold by her father for so many cows or camels, in some cases to the highest bidder. Among the Turcomans a wife may be purchased for five camels if she be a girl, or for fifty if a widow; whereas among the Tunguse a girl costs one to twenty reindeer, while widows are considerably cheaper. In the second class of cases the purchased girl is allowed a certain degree of liberty of choice.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 59).

This type of marriage formation has existed for centuries among the peoples of the five continents. It was still retained in some remote tribal societies until recent times. Many “modern” day money-marriages of the 19th and 20th centuries could be called this way.

The “Service” Type of Courtship

This kind of courtship is the custom of getting a wife in exchange for services rendered to her parents. The Henry Finck quote of Mr. Spencer’s remarks well illustrates this type of courtship:

“The practice which Hebrew tradition acquaints us with in the case of Jacob, proves to be a widely-diffused practice. It is general with the Bhils, Ghonds, and Hill tribes of Nepaul; it obtained in Java before Mahometanism was introduced; it was common in ancient Peru and Central America; and among sundry existing American races it still occurs. Obviously, a wife long laboured for is likely to be more valued than one stolen or bought. Obviously, too, the period of service, during which the betrothed girl is looked upon as a future spouse, affords room for the growth of some feeling higher than the merely instinctive—initiates something approaching to the courtship and engagement of civilised peoples.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 59).

“Capture” Type of Courtship Among Savages

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Anthropologists have always been interested in whether savage people experienced love and what kinds of courtship practices and sexual relationships they had.

In the 20th century, the studies of love in many remote tribal societies around the world have made a great progress thanks to cultural anthropology (see for review, Karandashev, 2017, 2019). However, we still don’t know much about how people lived, loved, and married in societies before modern civilizations.

Unfortunately, we don’t have much access to the evidence from past centuries. Yet, we are getting farther and farther away from the time when people lived like savages. Because of this, the fact that old archives of studies about love from the past are available is very helpful for love scholarship today. In the previous article, I briefly presented what kind of love was among savages of the past centuries.

Here we talk about courtship practices among savages, retrieved from the old archival treasures of love scholarship (Finck, 1887/2019).

What Were the Courtship Practices among Savages?

In the previous article, I cited several scholars of the past who contended that love was an unknown emotional experience for uncivilized savages. Nevertheless, it would be wrong to say that love didn’t exist at all among savages based on what some of the experts talked about. On the contrary, some “overtones” of love appeared from time to time in anthropological observations and travelers’ notes. Some of them provided arguments and indications that primitive people of the past might experience love.

Savage Love in Folklore

The folklore of the past centuries held legends and poems with love stories. For example, Theodor Waitz, a philosophy professor at the University of Marburg, studied romantic love among North Americans and other primitive peoples in the 19th century. He discovered in those primitive societies the legends of Lovers’ Leaps and Maiden Rocks, and a poem telling the story of a South American maiden who committed suicide on her lover’s grave. She did so to avoid falling into the hands of the Spaniards. (Finck, 1887/2019, Waitz, 1863)

Such legends and poems cannot be counted as scientific evidence of what primitive people of the past experienced in their lives.

Savage Love in Life

Savages of the past in some tribal societies and cultural contexts of the world might experience and express emotions and actions that resemble “love.”

For example, “mischievous amourettes sometimes do flit across the field of vision. For the goddess of Love is ever watchful of an opportunity for one of her emissaries to bag some game.” (Finck, 1887/2019, p. 57).

We should admit, however, that full-fledged cupids might never appear with their poisoned arrows in primitive cultures.

Modern scholarship commonly associates romantic relationships with courtship. It’s interesting to see how old primitive tribes handled courtship.

What Was the “Capture” Type of Courtship? The “capture” was the widely prevalent custom of exogamy, or marrying out. It is a curious feature of savage life.

“This custom compels a man who wishes a wife of his own to steal or purchase her of another tribe, private marriage within his own tribe being considered criminal and even punishable with death.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 57).

This rule of exogamy might be the origin of monogamy:

“Women were at first, like other kinds of property, held in common by the tribe, any man being any woman’s husband ad libitum. No man could therefore claim a woman for himself without infringing on the rights of others. But if he stole a woman from another tribe, she became his exclusive property, which he had a right to guard jealously, and to look upon with the Pride of Conquest—a pride, however, quite distinct from that which intoxicates a civilised lover when he finds, or fondly imagines, that his goddess has chosen him among all his rivals. The primitive man’s pride is more like that of the warrior who wears a large number of scalps in his belt; and as in his case marriage immediately follows Capture, this feeling, moreover, belongs more properly to the sphere of conjugal sentiment than to that of Love.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 57).

From this description, one can see that this primitive form of courtship is much ruder than that which prevails in the animal kingdom. Among animals, the males alone maltreat one another. In this early human form of courtship, if the woman resists, she is “simply knocked on the head, and her senseless body carried off to the captor’s tent.” (Finck, 1887/2019, p. 57).

Three Examples of the “Wife-capture” Courtship

Diefenbach, Tylor, and Waitz described their anthropological examples of this practice (quoted in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 57).

Diefenbach wrote about Polynesians:

“If a girl was courted by two suitors, each of them grasped one arm of the beloved and pulled her toward him; the stronger one got her, but in some cases not before her limbs had been pulled out of joint.”

Tylor wrote about the fierce forest tribes in Brazil:

“Ancient tradition knows this practice well, as where the men of Benjamin carry off the daughters of Shiloh dancing at the feast, and in the famous Roman tale of the rape of the Sabines, a legend putting in historical form the wife-capture which in Roman custom remained as a ceremony. What most clearly shows what a recognised old-world custom it was, is its being thus kept up as a formality where milder manners really prevailed. It had passed into this state among the Spartans, when Plutarch says that though the marriage was really by friendly settlement between the families, the bridegroom’s friends went through the pretence of carrying off the bride by violence. Within a few generations the same old habit was kept up in Wales, where the bridegroom and his friends, mounted and armed as for war, carried off the bride; and in Ireland they used even to hurl spears at the bride’s people, though at such a distance that no one was hurt, except now and then by accident, as happened when one Lord Howth lost an eye, which mischance seems to have put an end to this curious relic of antiquity.”

Waitz commented that

“the girls were commonly abducted by force, which led frequently to most violent fights, in which the girl herself was occasionally wounded, or even killed, to prevent her from falling into the hands of the enemy.”

The Historically Later Forms of “Wife-capture”

As Henry Finck noted, in the advanced age of the 19th century, “elopement” became the name for the modified form of “wife-capture.”

“When the parents dissent and the couple are very young, this climax of courtship doubtless is often reprehensible. But in those cases where the consent of all parties has been obtained, it ought to be universally adopted. Sudden flight and an impromptu marriage would add much to the romance of the honeymoon, and would enable the bridal couple to avoid the terrors and stupid formalities of the wedding-day, the anticipation of which is doubtless responsible for the ever-increasing number of cowardly bachelors in the world.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 58).

Love among Savages

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The questions of great anthropological interest are whether the savages of the old times loved; what kind of love and sexual relations they had; and how they loved each other.

Cultural anthropology of the 20th century has made tremendous progress in the study of love in many remote tribal societies of the world (Karandashev, 2017, 2019). Despite these great advances, we still have limited knowledge of how people in societies without the influence of modern civilizations lived and loved.

We have especially limited access to the knowledge of the previous centuries. The old times of savages have been increasingly disappearing from our reach. So, the availability of the old archives of love studies from the past is especially precious.

Let us explore those old archival treasures of love scholarship (Finck, 1887/2019).

Who Are Those Strangers to Love?

Here are some of the interesting evolutionary observations of Henry Finck:

“In passing from animals to human beings we find at first not only no advance in the sexual relations, but a decided retrogression. Among some species of birds, courtship and marriage are infinitely more refined and noble than among the lowest savages; and it is especially in their treatment of females, both before and after mating, that not only birds but all animals show an immense superiority over primitive man; for male animals only fight among themselves, and never maltreat the females.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

The Surprising Evolutionary Anomaly in the Sexual Relations of Savages

The author explained this evolutionary anomaly in sexual relations in the following way:

“The intellectual power and emotional horizon of animals are limited; but in those directions in which Natural Selection has made them specialists, they reach a high degree of development, because inherited experience tends to give to their actions an instinctive or quasi-instinctive precision and certainty. Among primitive men, on the other hand, reason begins to encroach more on instinct, but yet in such a feeble way as to make constant blunders inevitable: thus proving that strong instincts, combined with a limited intellectual plasticity, are a safer guide in life than a more plastic but weak intellect minus the assistance of stereotyped instincts.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

What about Romantic Love of Savages?

According to anthropological observations from those times, the sexual relations and emotional life of savages were too crude to be called “romantic”:

“If neither intellect nor instinct guide the primitive man to well-regulated marital relations, such as we find among many animals, so again his emotional life is too crude and limited to allow any scope for the domestic affections. Inasmuch as, according to Sir John Lubbock, gratitude, mercy, pity, chastity, forgiveness, humility, are ideas or feelings unknown to many or most savage tribes, we should naturally expect that such a highly-compounded and ethereal feeling as Romantic Love could not exist among them. How could Love dwell in the heart of a savage who baits a fish-hook with the flesh of a child; who eats his wife when she has lost her beauty and the muscular power which enabled her to do all his hard work; who abandons his aged parents, or kills them, and whose greatest delight in life is to kill an enemy slowly amid the most diabolic tortures?”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 55).

Were These Romantic Courtships?

As it appears, romantic relationships among savages were not very romantic:

“Or how could a primitive girl love a man whose courtship consists in knocking her on the head and carrying her forcibly from her own to his tribe? A man who, after a very brief period of caresses, neglects her, takes perhaps another and younger wife, and reduces the first one to the condition of a slave, refusing to let her eat at his table, throwing her bones and remains, as to a dog, or even driving her away and killing her, if she displeases him? These are extreme cases, but they are not rare; and in a slightly modified form they are found throughout savagedom.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

The Sentiments of Love Appeared to Be Unknown by Savages

Henry Finck concluded that “Love” was a sentiment unknown to savages. And it was often mentioned in the works of anthropologists and tourists of the 19th century. He cited several observations and comments on this. Here are some of them.

When Ploss remarks that the lowest savages “know as little about marriage relations as animals; still less do they know the feeling we call Love,” he did a great injustice to animals.

As the sociologist Letourneau remarked: “Among the Cafres Cousas, according to Lichtenstein, the sentiment of love does not constitute a part of marriage.”

In speaking of a tribe of the Gabon, Du Chaillu wrote, “The idea of love, as we understand it, appears to be unknown to this tribe.”

Speaking of the polygamous tribes of Africa, Monteiro wrote:

“The negro knows not love, affection, or jealousy…. In all the long years I have been in Africa I have never seen a negro manifest the least tenderness for or to a negress…. I have never seen a negro put his arm round a woman’s waist, or give or receive any caress whatever that would indicate the slightest loving regard or affection on either side. They have no words or expressions in their language indicative of affection or love.”

(cited in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

Spencer commented on this passage, “This testimony harmonises with testimonies cited by Sir John Lubbock, to the effect

  • that the Hottentots “are so cold and indifferent to one another that you would think there was no such thing as love between them”;
  • that among the Koussa Kaffirs there is “no feeling of love in marriage”;
  • that in Yariba, “a man thinks as little of taking a wife as of cutting an ear of corn—affection is altogether out of the question.” (cited in Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

A Couple of Words in Evidence of Love among Savages of the Past

Winwood Reade suggested an alternative view on savage love. He wrote to Darwin that the West Africans

“are quite capable of falling in love, and of forming tender, passionate, and faithful attachments.”

The anthropologist Waitz, speaking of Polynesia, wrote that

“examples of real passionate love are not rare, and on the Fiji Islands it has happened that individuals married against their will have committed suicide; although this has only happened in the higher classes.”

As Henry Finck noted,

“in these cases we are left in doubt as to whether the reference is to Conjugal or to Romantic Love; conjugal attachment, being of earlier growth than Romantic Love, because the development of the latter was retarded by the limited opportunities for prolonged Courtship and free Choice.”

(Finck, 1887/2019, p. 56).

The Stories of Nigerian Love in the 1960s

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The transformations of West African societies in the mid-20th century substantially changed the social conditions of people’s lives. Increasing urbanization was among those. Western cultural influences had affected the modernization of cultural life in Nigerian cities.

Let us consider the examples of romantic love from the ethnographic field study of Leonard Plotnicov, which he conducted in urban life in Nigeria. He presented several illustrative cases of romantic love from Nigeria between 1960 and 1962 (Plotnicov, 1995).

Romantic Lust or Romantic Love?

From Plotnicov’s observations and conversations, it appears that romantic love was of little interest for many men and women. The expression of lust, however, was an important part of the masculine gender role. For many Nigerian men, talking about sex and lust was more exciting than talking about love. Philandering was a common male behavior in relationships with women.

For some men, fulfilling their lust was like pursuing a favorite sport; they did this with great and passionate interest. They, however, had little interest in real romantic love and serious relationships.

Many Nigerian marriages did not involve love, both during courtship and during marital life. Love was rather an extramarital affair.

Many men had girlfriends and lovers before being married or during their marriages. But only wealthy men could afford to engage in frequent philandering. Men usually make an effort to keep their womanizing secret from their wives.

Nevertheless, the majority of women appeared to be aware of these indulgences of their husbands when they happened. Many wives had reason to be suspicious of their husbands’ womanizing. However, some were reluctant to voice their jealousy or protest against such extramarital relationships. In their spare time, men shared tales of philandering over rounds of canned beer in the neighborhood taverns. Occasionally, men told how their wives made trouble when they learned who their girlfriend was.

The Nigerian Men’s Stories of Romantic Lust

For example, Isaac, Musa, and Olu never experienced real romantic love. They preferred philandering and womanizing. Olu appeared to be a staunch traditionalist and a good Christian. He had no formal education, did not speak English, and always got dressed in traditional style. Unlike Olu, Isaac and Musa had an extensive Western education. Both were proud of their good command of the Queen’s English. Isaac always wore western attire, while Musa preferred to dress in traditional styles. However, both Isaac and Musa were modern-oriented men. However, terms like “modern” and “traditional” were not imperfectly precise in these cases (Plotnicov, 1995).

The Nigerian Men’s Stories of Romantic Love

Some other Nigerian men had little interest in womanizing behavior. They were more serious in their relationships.

In the other four cases, which Plotnicov portrayed, men had fallen in love. They were culturally conservative. Their descriptions evidently indicated that they experienced real romantic love. But the love of these men showed no evidence of Western cultural influences involved in the way they loved. This romantic love appeared to be culturally specific. And what was interesting was that the Western and modern-oriented Nigerian men expressed their experience of love in the same way as the culturally conservative men. Their romantic love was the fervent, ardent, and passionate desire for another, without whom a man felt utterly incomplete (Plotnicov, 1995). These examples were illustrative to show the cases of romantic love in Nigeria, where romantic love under traditional Nigerian conditions was unexpectedly present. As Leonard Plotnicov demonstrated in those anthropological cases, for the most part, these occurrences of romantic love could not be attributed to the Western influence of romantic love ideas. The cases could not also be attributed to other exogenous influences. Thus, Nigerians had their own endogenous cultural understanding of romantic love (Plotnicov, 1995).

Modern Western Love in Nigeria in the 1960s

Nevertheless, many instances of romantic love among modern-oriented men in Nigerian cities, which Leonard Plotnicov described in his ethnographic reports, reflected Western cultural penetra­tion and acculturation. Modern-generation men were typically younger, worked in trades or occupations introduced from Europe, and preferred to live in cities. They were commonly fond of various Western cultural products.

Romantic Love in the Taita Marriage Culture

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The Taita are an East African ethnic group that has lived in Kenya for four or five hundred years. They are also known as Wadawida or Wataita. The Taita are mostly farmers who reside in the southern mountainous region of the country. The Taita tribes consist of small communities known as clans and extended families.

In another article, I talked about the three kinds of love the Taita have: infatuation, lust, and romantic love. Each of these has its own feelings and ways of expression.

The third type of love, “romantic love,” is of particular interest to us in the context of this article. The Taita “romantic love” is an intricate emotional experience that combines passion and affection. This type of romantic love, as opposed to infatuation, is a more enduring affectionate bond. For the Taita, “romantic love” unites the characteristics of passionate romantic love and companionate romantic attachment. It seems that Taita does not distinguish between “romantic love” and “companionship love.” According to the Jim Bell’s anthropological field study, love is still present in the Taita marital relationships, even though some of them are arranged marriages, some are polygamous (Bell, 1995).

The Respected Taita Family System

The Taita culture follows a patrilineal pattern of descent that prioritizes the interests of the larger lineage over those of the individual. People accept and respect the passion that makes up folklore love stories. Although they respect the passionate feelings of youth, they encourage men and women to keep these strong emotions apart from the conventional marriage arrangements. They strive to limit individual passion so that these strong emotions do not disturb a normal relationship and the societal order.

Family Responsibilities Are the Priority in the Taita Marriage Culture

The people of the older generation encourage young and unmarried Taita men and women to keep their romantic and passionate relationships within limits to avoid diminishing their commitments to the extended family. So, many Taita men and women do their best to fulfill their responsibilities to the lineage and their family. They comply with their duties in an arranged marriage.

How Romantic Love Fits in the Taita Culture of Marriage

Once the responsibilities of an arranged marriage are fulfilled, romantic love may start to play a major role in choosing a new wife. Those who were in arranged marriages, not being romantically interested in their wives, might be in love with their “outside lover.”

Many Taita men admitted wanting to be in a relationship with another woman. However, they were frequently directed at someone unattainable. Only a few men admitted to being really in such a relationship. Nevertheless, these “affairs of the heart” often happen in Taita society.

One man who Jim Bell interviewed commented that

“it can happen that your heart is lost to one you can never marry, but you love that person for your life.” A middle-aged parent con­curred, saying that “this notion is not a rare one.” Many older men expressed their love for a woman who “belonged to another man.” Some informants assured me that they had lovers elsewhere or that some of the children I had interviewed were the offspring of lovers who “played in the forest together.”

(Bell, 1995, p.159).

How Taita Men and Women Manage Their Extramarital Affairs

The Taita keep their extramarital affairs very private, following elaborate rules. Taita lovers are discreet in their relationships and rarely show their emotions or affectionate relationships in public. They act as if they are strangers whenever they meet.

Usually, Taita strive to balance their family obligations and personal desires. They acknowledge that there are various reasons for keeping men and women in marriage. They are doing everything possible to express their emotions and love without undermining the existing social order.

The first and second marriages are intended to honor family responsibilities. After that, a man can allow himself to make his love the primary interest by taking on a new wife.

Dramatic Love Stories of the Taita Past

An old Taita woman admitted, recalling her younger years, that she was infatuated with three or four men at different times during her early teenage years.

“Her father had, however, arranged a marriage for her with one of hispeers. She had eight children. Several old men remembered their affairs in sharp detail, as though theyhappened yesterday, rather than some forty or fifty years earlier. A woman, also in her seventies, stressed (through an interpreter) that “even when I was a young girl, women were having babies before marriage. And others had lovers in the forest after marriage. “

(Bell, 1995, pp.160-161).

In private conversations with anthropologists, the old Taita people openly expressed their views on infatuation, lust, and love. They compared the stories from when they were young with modern life. They agreed that the Taita’s attitudes toward love had shifted with the passage of time and social conditions. (Bell, 1995).

African Love of the Taita People in Kenya

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The Taita are a group of East African ethnic groups who have lived in Kenya for four or five centuries. They are also known as the Wataita or the Wadawida. The Taita are predominantly highland farmers who live in a mountainous region of southern Kenya. The social life of the Taita tribes is structured by autonomous clans, including families. The clans are separate social groups that inhabit their own hilly territories. Early ethnographic reports of African life and gender relations were full of sexuality. They did not mention anything about love in relationships between women and men. Therefore, anthropologists once believed Africans could only love sexually. This initial ethnocentric misunderstanding of Westerners was the most typical way Europeans and Americans viewed African gender relations (Bell, 1995; Kenyatta, 1938/1953; Jablow & Hammond, 1977).

Acculturation of East African Love

European missionaries judged the “native” and natural sexuality of Africans as primitive. They taught them Western moral notions of Christian virtues and marital values. Missionaries preached “appropriate” sexual behavior and righteous family life. The Taita folk concepts of sex, lust, and love were refined and acculturized to some degree by European cultural influences. In East African culture, Western and African indigenous beliefs, traditions, and values blend somehow.

Unexpected Indigenous Taita Love

However, more attentive and culturally sensitive research revealed that East African cultures had their own native notions not only about sex and lust but also about love, even before Europeans arrived. They told their own love stories for years (Bell, 1995).

Anthropologist Jim Bell (1995) conducted a field study of lust, love, and romantic ideals among the Taita of Kenya, East Africa. Based on his observations, he argues that passionate and romantic love existed in Africa before the advent of Christian missionaries. These ideas and practices have been natural parts of African culture for a very long time, prior to European contact. Also, love for marriage might not be a new idea in the Taita culture.

Bell asserts that romantic love has always been a part of Taita culture. Love affairs, along with native sexual relationships, have been common in Taita daily life. In their interviews, Taita men and women explained that the words “ashiki” for desire and “pendo” for love existed before early European contact.

East African Love of Kenya

Anthropologist Jim Bell found that the Taita young people of Kenya chose their mates based on affection, physical attraction, and love. For example, younger Taita women liked to become involved with a “chosen lover,” who was usually someone their own age. Most of the time, physical appearance, sexual attractiveness, and passionate affection are certainly involved in these kinds of relationships. Some of these relationships endure for a lifetime (Bell, 1995).

Here is another Kenyan example of indigenous love. The Kikuyu people, a large Bantu ethnic group of Central Kenya, have always been allowed to choose a partner without parental influence on either side. (Kenyatta, 1938/1953, p. 165). Kenyatta, a native Kikuyu who was Oxford-educated, contended that in traditional Kikuyu society, young people relied on “love” in their mate selection. It was, however, in their traditional cultural ways. When a “boy falls in love with a girl, he cannot tell her directly that he loves her or display his devotion to her in public, as this would be regarded by Gikuyu [or Kikuyu] as impolite and uncultured” (1959, p. 165).

In the early accounts of missionaries and anthropologists about how the “natives” behaved sexually, this kind of relationship was either ignored or not mentioned at all.

East African Love for Marriage

The Taita young men preferred to mate with beautiful young women. It was a factor in choosing a potential spouse. The young Taita woman, on the other hand, preferred to mate with a young man who was a smart person, a good farmer, and a provider for a family. Evidently, a man’s physical appearance was less important in mate selection than compared to his personality.

Men placed more emphasis on physical characteristics than women did on personality and social position. However, the view of what is beautiful and desirable in a partner differed in the perception of men and women. And these differences affected the partners they chose.

Both men and women in Taita desire partners who display culturally appropriate graces (Bell, 1995). Men and women in the Taita culture distinguish three types of love.

What We Did Not Know About Taita Sex, Love, and Marriage

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The Taita people are several East African ethnic groups who have been living in Kenya for four or five hundred years. They are sometimes also referred to as the Wataita or Wadawida. The Taita are largely highland farmers who inhabit a mountainous area of southern Kenya. The Taita tribes consisted of lineages or clans. The lineages were autonomous social groups that occupied their own territories in the hills. 

Sex and Lust in African Tribal Life

Early ethnographic accounts of African life and gender relationships were filled with numerous tales of lust and sexuality. Travelers and missionaries in Africa did not mention anything about love. In the past, many anthropologists thought that Africans were not able to love in ways other than sex.

European missionaries reported on this kind of “native” sexual behavior, condemning these relationship practices. Therefore, they educated men and women in African tribes on how to live according to the Western moral ideals of family and religious virtues. Christian missionaries were obsessed with teaching “proper” family relations and sexual behavior.

This ethnocentric misunderstanding of Westerners, which the first missionaries narrated in their accounts, has been the most common way that Europeans and Americans thought about African gender relations (Jablow & Hammond, 1977, p. 16).

European influences culturally refined and framed the Taita’s folk notions of sex, lust, and love, which glossed over indigenous African emotions and feelings. This new language of relationships introduced by Westerners reflected internal feelings and private experiences that have always been present in Taita culture. East African folklore tell a few love stories that were known before Europeans arrived (Bell, 1995).

The Traditional Arranged Marriage of the Taita

The widespread practice of polygynous relationships and marriages was another concern of missionaries. They believed that women and men involved with one another outside of their monogamous relations were the primary sins of African society.

The real cultural practices of Taita marriage were, however, more complex and more pragmatic in their way of social life. The Taita people have long practiced arranged marriages. In the selection of a mate and getting married, the needs of the extended family and the tribal community were more important than the preferences of a young woman or a man. The parents and other relatives of the senior generation looked for a prospective mate for their children. Such a mate should be healthy and have an agreeable personality. Everyone in the family, including the prospective bride and groom, understood that the primary goal of arranged marriages was the welfare of the family, not the individual. Therefore, individual preferences, wishes, and feelings were deemed irrelevant in this case.

The Taita Polygyny

Polygyny, along with free sexuality, has been a common and acceptable cultural practice among the Taita tribes. Marital polygyny assumed that a man could marry several women for family relations.

Western missionaries regarded this widespread practice of women and men being involved with one another outside of marriage, which was presumably supposed to be monogamous. Westerners preferred monogamous marriage to polygamous marriage as a cultural norm. Therefore, they persuaded the Taita people about the cultural and religious superiority of monogamy. They transformed the tribal indigenous ideals of marriage and encouraged men and women to convert to the virtue of monogamy.

European missionaries introduced Western cultural features and the rituals that glorified monogamous marriage and love expressions into African daily life. Despite these new Western cultural marriage practices, polygyny remained a popular practice in their families’ relationships (Bell, 1995).