Category Archives: marital love

Love and Marriage of the Igbo People

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The Igbo people are an indigenous ethnic group located in southeastern Nigeria, in the regions of Abia, Anambra, Ebonyi, Enugu, and Imo States. The large ethnic groups of the Igbo people also live in other countries in Africa, such as Gabon, Cameroon, and Equatorial Guinea. Their cultural practices, traditions, customs, attire, music, and dances make the Igbo culture ethnically special. Their ethnic subgroups, however, are quite diverse. What about Igbo marriage and love?

Let us look at cultural ideas and social expectations about love that were prevalent in the late 1990s in Igbo-speaking Nigeria. The focus on kinship, marriage, and fertility is particularly important in this regard (Smith, 2001).

The Igbo Marriage

Igbo culture is patrilineal, and lineage exogamy is the norm in marriage. Marriages were often arranged by families and formed alliances between neighboring towns. Although it was never wrong for either men or women to reject potential spouses, doing so was often difficult due to social pressure to live up to expectations from the wider community and extended family.

The Igbo Love for Marriage

Before the Igbo people started to agree that marriage should be based on love, love was just a cultural idea and ideal.

But girls ran away to avoid certain marriages, and men went against their parents’ wishes and married the woman they wanted. A conflict between arranged marriage and personal choice always occurred. Folklore myths and fables tell stories of men and women who did things out of love.

Modern young Igbo men and women of the 1990s in Nigeria were more likely to choose their own spouses than their parents and grandparents. Romantic love and emotional closeness were two of the most important qualities to look for in a partner. In modern Igboland, most young people choose their own spouses, and almost all of those still in school expect this to be the case.

Choosing a spouse has become more and more a matter of personal choice. Romantic ideals put a high value on courtship patterns. Christian wedding ceremonies were becoming increasingly important to both young men and women.

Few marriages were strictly arranged in those days. A young couple who were in love and wanted to get married could often outlast their parents. The vast majority of young people get married on their own. But when a man and a woman actually got married, their extended families and communities joined them.

A lot of young people were still married to their mates from their own towns. More and more marriages were happening across traditional intra-Igbo cultural lines. And these marriages became more acceptable (Smith, 2001).

The Ideals of Romantic Love Among the Igbo People of Nigeria

The cultural ideas of romantic love were emerging among Igbo young men and women in the 1990s.

For example, the Nigerian film industry recently produced the popular film Taboo, which tells the story of a young Igbo woman from a royal family who falls in love with an osu. The osu people are the descendants of ritual slaves and fit the stereotype of being polluting and dangerous. People feared and despised the osu. The descendants of osu inherited their ritual duties and stigma. Many educated young Igbos had seen Taboo and were aware of the dilemmas of osu who fell in love with diala (freeborn).

“Taboo is a story about an osu-diala love affair, and the social consequences as the couple confronts entrenched prejudices. The daughter of an Igbo traditional ruler (eze) and a young osu man meet and fall in love at a university. Not surprisingly, the girl’s father vehemently rejects the idea that his daughter could marry an osu. In a twisting plot, the young osu man ends up saving the eze from a fatal palace coup engineered by one of his disgruntled wives. The osu becomes a hero, but he does not get the girl because he is killed in another valiant confrontation with evildoers, and the eze’s daughter is left to mourn her lover.”

(Smith, 2001, p.137).

According to Smith (2001), a few love affairs between osu and diala could lead to marriage in real life. However, the film represented and reinforced Igbos’ growing fascination with romantic love. People’s sympathies are with the lovers. Love does not conquer all in Taboo, but it does provide a space of freedom from traditional social conventions. The film Taboo, as well as other forms of media, promote romantic love and the individual choice of marriage.

Love in Igbo Marriage

Modern Igbo marriages welcome partnership and companionate love. An evolving concept of marriage emphasizes the intimate bonds between husband and wife. The young couple transitions from loving lovers in courtship to parents in marriage.

However, despite these transformations in modern marriage, Igbo people still rely on family and affine relationships. Marital sustainability depends on childbearing. Extended families still have a big influence at this point. Their approval and support are crucial for successful marriages.

The Importance of Fertility in Igbo Marriages

The family interests of Igbo people still focus on marriage and fertility. Successful parenting is viewed as fundamental to the full personality of the Igbo woman and man (Fortes, 1978). In Igbo-speaking Nigeria, gender relations, romantic love, and scripts of relationships have changed from traditional to modern in recent decades. (van der Vliet, 1991).

Gender Expectations of West African Men in the Mid-20th Century

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“Miss Silva” and her “Milady’s Bower” column shaped the new forms of urban masculinity in the mid-20th century in West Africa. That cultural image of a modern man of that time was better fitted to new city life’s realities (Aderinto, 2015).

What Being a Gentleman Meant for West African Men

The West African ethos of “gentlemanliness” was central to the new urban masculinity. Miss Silva defied the conventions regarding the physical appearance of a gentleman. She wrote that looking dandy or wearing a “shirt, collar, tie, trousers, coat, shoes, and hat did not make one a gentleman”.

Overall, a gentleman should prioritize manners over appearances. She praised men’s natural, attitudinal, and behavioral traits, like the advice that a gentleman “should not be bad-tempered.”

  • A gentleman “should try to admire others and envy none.
  • A gentleman “should be respectful and self-contained.”
  • A gentleman “should keep good company and avoid uttering evil words and bad language.” 
  • A gentleman “should be honest, truthful, and generous.”
  • A gentleman “should love others as himself.”

Miss Silva and her correspondents agreed that to be a true modern lover, a man must be a “gentleman” and not live a “pretentious life.” She thought that “gentlemanliness” was the most important thing that women liked about men:

“The most important thing that most women expect from men is that they should be gentlemen. There is only one kind of gentleman; and he is a man whose innate good breeding helps him to avoid giving pain to anyone; be that person man or woman, high or low, black or white. He never overrates his own personality, to the detriment of others; rather than commit this offence, he is always inclined to encourage others in their self-expression.”

(quoted by Aderinto, 2015, p.491).

What Else Did West African Men Need to Win the Hearts of Women?

However, to attract and keep a woman, modern West African men of that time needed something more than gentlemanliness. Living in the city and looking like a dandy or gentleman was not enough to get a girlfriend. Men must socialize in the proper places, attend dance shows, and go to movies.

Some young men felt disappointed and frustrated by urban life when they attempted to make social connections with girls for romantic and sexual relationships.

For instance, Onuigbo was one such young man who had no girlfriend five months after moving to Lagos. In his letter, he did not state explicitly what he was doing wrong.

As a rule of advice, Miss Silva believed that the way men behaved when they met a girl ultimately determined their chances of falling in love. She laid out the dos and don’ts of meeting a girl in her article “When you meet a lady” this way:

“Do not stare at her or cause her any embarrassment by walking into her way. By all means, avoid this showing that you are a gentleman, not nominally, but in practice. Do not try to create an impression by stating how great you and your achievements are. Men who show off may create a temporary amusement, but nothing more. Do not force yourself on her by proceeding to mention where you work and so on. She herself can ask for this if she is interested. Do not ask her impertinent questions, such as, Where are you going? Where do you work? Whom do you stay with? Such questions portray a shallow mind, coupled with lack of good behaviour. Do not give her your hands, even after introduction has taken place. She is the one to take the first step in this matter and not you. When you meet a lady, do not, out of prejudice, start to talk meanly of other women you know or exhibit their weaknesses. Vulgarity does not pay, rather it lowers one’s worth before others.”

(quoted by Aderinto, 2015, p.492).

Good Advice for West African Men to Fix a Relationship

Miss Silva’s belief was that men were typically to blame for broken relationships. She noted that men are generally less emotional than women and have a lack of emotional depth. Nevertheless, Miss Silva suggested that men should have the chance to voice their thoughts when women maltreat them.

For instance, Solomon Babalola wrote his letter in “Milady’s Bower” and complained that his girlfriend ended their one-and-a-half-year relationship. Babalola asserted that his girlfriend left him because he was poor. She left him for an ex-soldier who had been promised significant allowances by the government in exchange for his military service.

Babalola questioned Miss Silva with suffering in his heart if “women marry for wealth or for love”. He wrote once again to the newspaper two months later. He said that his ex-girlfriend had apologized. He consulted the other readers of “Milady’s Bower” on whether to take her back or continue with his new girlfriend.

The opinions of the readers were divided, expressing different views and suggestions (Aderinto, 2015).

What Was More Important in Relationships for Nigerian Young People, Love or Money?

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As I noted elsewhere, “Miss Silva” wrote “Milady’s Bower” for the West African Pilot newspaper in the middle of the 20th century. She shared with Nigerian women and men her wisdom on modern love and gender relations. Her column included readers’ letter-written love stories. Their thoughts, feelings, and words on love opposed the conservative African norms of that time. Together, they discussed how to cope with their relationship problems (Aderinto, 2015). They discussed what was more important, love or money.

I believe that those narratives and dialogues may resemble those that men and women still encounter in their daily lives and romantic relationships in traditional, conservative countries nowadays.

Let us continue to listen to what Nigerian men and women experienced and what “Miss Silva” advised.

The Love Heartbreaks of Nigerian Affairs

The young Nigerian women and men who were willing to follow their hearts in their courtship and relationships frequently encountered clashes between their modern love aspirations and the old-fashioned conservatism of their social norms.

They often experienced romantic disappointments in contradiction with parental intervention in their personal courtship and love affairs. The articles and letters on their love challenges provided an in-depth look at important facets of their courtship stories. They talked about everything that brings people into romantic relationships. They discussed physical beauty, emotional attraction, and why love fades. They debated the role of ethnicity, social class, and educational level in relationships. They strived to be modern lovers. They still tried to avoid interpersonal conflicts and manage their heartbreaks with maturity.

Readers and authors of letters trusted Miss Silva when she helped moderate these debates.

How Young Were Nigerian Men and Women to Marry in the Mid-20th Century?

Men and women often discussed in “Milady’s Bower” the questions of when the proper age for marriage is and how long their courtship should last.

The old cultural traditions of West African societies taught them to marry and have children early in their lives. The modern generation of young people of that time preferred to marry later, until they were financially in a good position. The primary reason for delaying marriage seems to be the cost of the marriage.

Young people of the new generation of the mid-20th century spent more time acquiring a Western education. Men often delayed their marriages because of a lack of job opportunities and little money to satisfy their wives. At the time, there was an unprecedented increase in bride prices. Marriage became more expensive for men than in the “old days” because modern wives of that time expected conveniences and comforts. Many wanted housing in good neighborhoods, good furniture, and appliances. Those young people who were raised in rich families could afford to marry earlier.

Many women also thought that men put off getting married and didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of marriage because they wanted to stay single longer and have more casual relationships (Aderinto, 2015).

Marriage for Love or for Money?

“Miss Silva” commonly advised young men and women to marry for love and follow their romantic attractions. Her position was that love, not money, is the most important factor in relationships and marriage. However, she still acknowledged the importance of financial issues and wealth-standing for marriage. She encouraged gender equality and women’s independence in several ways.

“Miss Silva” was still practical in much of her advice. For example, she suggested women “do not marry a jobless man.” The colonial marriage culture of that time put more responsibility on men as breadwinners. At the same time, Miss Silva said that

“women should be gainfully employed and not depend wholly on men” and that “in modern society, women should not be scared about being the family breadwinner.”

(Aderinto 2015, p. 488).

How Long Was Too Long for Courtship?

Nigerian men and women also discussed how long they should court before marriage. They acknowledged that courtship should enable a man and a woman to get to know each other better and to understand the prospect of how good their marriage would be.

Specific opinions, however, varied. Some thought that the courtship could go on for a few months. Others believed it could even last a few years. They largely agreed, however, that courting relationships should not be too long so that “the intending couples are still within the marriage age”. In this regard, conservative West African societies had their own traditional cultural expectations (Aderinto 2015).

“Miss Silva” Advised Nigerian Women and Men on Divided Affections

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Throughout the 1930s -1950s, Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” ran her column “Milady’s Bower” in the newspaper West African Pilot. In her column, she talked with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. Her column discussed the compelling love stories of anonymous readers, which they told in their letters. Their thoughts, feelings, and words reflected their opposition to the established gender standards of African patriarchy. They discussed the difficulties they had in their relationships (Aderinto, 2015). “Miss Silva” advised men and women what to do when they experienced divided affections.

These stories can be like those that men and women in traditional conservative cultures still experience in their lives and relationships around the world.

What advice did “Miss Silva” give to women and men in Nigeria about life, love, and divided affections? Can they be useful for some young people in modern conservative cultural contexts?

How to Find a Peaceful Conflict Resolution in the Case of Divided Affections

What did Miss Silva advise lovers in cases when they felt they were not able to follow their affection to marry the beloved? First, “Miss Silva” advised them to explore all options for peaceful conflict resolution.

For instance, they were advised to act as if they were obeying their parents while working to appease them. In one such case, parents refused to allow their son to marry the girl of his choice because she was not from the same town. It was despite the fact that their places of birth were just 25 miles apart. Even after the oracles had given them a favorable confirmation, the parents persisted in refusing their son’s intention. It was an issue of “old-time conservatism.”

Miss Silva told him to get help from older people to ask the girl’s parents to let them get married.

Another reader, who commented from Lagos, mentioned another similar case, suggesting that a man tell his girlfriend to “obey [her parents] first and then complain.” And then, “if after she had obeyed her parents, and they still refuse, leave her and find another girl.”

To Obey or Disobey?

However, it was evident that neither obeying nor disobeying parental orders to marry within one’s ethnic group, social class, or town guaranteed marriage or romantic happiness. Lovers found themselves in difficult situations with people they cared about.

For example, the parents of a single man, who had just finished his teacher training, told him to break up with a girl from another town. And he did.

Then he selected a girl from his own ethnic group. She was “poor and only half educated.” Out of his “sympathy and true love,” he paid for her to be educated and trained to become a seamstress.

But, after years of preparation and planning, his bride-to-be told him that she would marry him only if he bought her a gold chain. It was a real frustration for him.

This situation is comparable to another one. In her letter to Miss Silva, a twenty-year-old woman explains how her parents enrolled her in boarding school. This way, they were able to make sure that she would not get involved in any relationships. However, after she graduated from high school at the age of eighteen, her parents betrothed her to the son of their friend. She was frustrated:

“I could not love this man … and I still dread the idea of marrying him.”

This girl had a boyfriend, a “handsome” man with a “good” job.

Her boyfriend’s parents, however, wanted their son to be a polygamist. That was what the girl did not like at all.

Miss Silva commented on this case to emphasize the belief that an individual’s happiness is paramount in all relationships:

“My Dear girl, you are still young and I will not advise you to risk life at this age. You may depend on my word that you have not met the right companion, and when you do your present outlook will change. You have a right to your own happiness and nobody should dictate to you. As to the second man you love, you should try to forget him as the future will be risky for you. Be patient and hopeful; you’ll soon have the right one.”

So, it was apparent that those facing parental disapproval of their own courtship faced a big problem. They went through the painful emotions and controversies of divided affections. Some girls and boys were still in love with their ex-partners, even after their parents refused to recognize their courtship.

For instance, another man told Miss Silva that he was in deep love with a girl. But after three years of courting her, her family refused to accept him as their future son-in-law.

Then, he tried to begin dating another girl. Yet, he acknowledged that he was still in love with his first girlfriend. The man queried Miss Silva:

“Do you think I can do away with this first girl entirely and cling to my new lover?”

Miss Silva told him to go back to his first girlfriend, even though her parents didn’t like the relationship:

“Courting another girl when you still love the first one is queer, unless you can grow to love her as the first one … One thing you must know and that is, the course of true love does not run smoothly.”

(quoted from Aderinto, 2015).

What Miss Silva Advised Nigerian Women and Men About Love and Marriage

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From the 1930s to the 1950s, the Nigerian columnist “Miss Silva” of the West African Pilot offered relationship advice for young men and women. Her essays and anonymous reader letters on contemporary love of that time expressed their enthralling love tales. Their stories often showed the contentious thoughts and feelings they had because of their resistance to traditional norms of gender relations and African patriarchy. A frequent question she advised about was love and marriage (Aderinto, 2015).

Therefore, in her advice column “Milady’s Bower,” “Miss Silva” spoke with Nigerian women and men about modern love and gender relations. They also had a chance to tell their dramatic stories and express themselves freely and anonymously. Did you hear other stories like these?

What did “Miss Silva” tell Nigerian women and men about life and love? Can her advice be useful to you?

Let us listen to their dramatic stories (Aderinto, 2015).

To Marry or Not to Marry in Obedience to Your Parents?

Some letter writers complained about the fact that their parents wouldn’t let them pick their own partners. For example, one reader wrote to “Miss Silva” that when he was away from the town for a while “struggling with his life,” his old mother married him to a girl of her preference. But he said that he did not know the girl and had never seen her before. The reason his mother married him was because she was “unable to do any domestic work in the house”. This was why she married him to that girl.

The man sadly wrote in his letter: 

“Marriage as you see, is not a simple affair as some people seem to think. The happiness of lovers depends upon the love and sympathy between them and this is why a man should be left to choose for himself.”

He thought it was selfish of his mother to have married him to a girl just for her own domestic needs.

Another young man had a similar situation. His parents engaged him to a woman he didn’t love. He asked the columnist of “Milady’s Bower” for some advice, and Miss Silva told him

“stick to the girl you love best … Never mind what their wish is … Love is such a delicate thing and should not therefore be dictated to intending contracting parties by their parents.”

So, you see, what Miss Silva advised these men, and others in similar circumstances. She literally told them to defy parental authority and elope, or secretly marry without following traditional marriage rites.

Thus, miss Silva in her newspaper column empowered readers to be brave in making decisions about love and relationships. And she advised recognizing that by disobeying their parents, they could face certain cultural, social, and economic consequences.

But anyway, she encouraged them to investigate all of the possibilities for resolving the problem in a peaceful manner. In the frustrated situations they feared, she shared with them her words of wisdom, suggesting they follow their affection and marry a person who they love (Aderinto, 2015).

The Challenges of Love Marriages for African Men and Women

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In the second half of the 20th century, social and economic modernization transformed traditional African marriages. Urbanization and social mobility were key contributors. Many young men and women moved to the cities. The new labor market and many new urban jobs superseded the importance of traditional rural labor and established family roles. Education significantly influenced this social and cultural shift. For many people, these societal dynamics were destroying a tribal, kinship-based communal framework of living.

The Evolution of African Marriages in the Second Half of the 20th Century

The transformations in many African societies, especially in urban areas, have changed how people view gender, marriage, and families. They modified mate-selecting and marriage practices. Families’ power to influence and manage their children’s marriages and relationships deteriorated.

The evolution of African marriage was difficult. Western norms of individualism were replacing rural stereotypes and mores. Men and women in African cities frequently struggled between collectivism and individualism. They could feel bad if they rejected family, but they’d be frustrated if they let their family members impose the old conventions on their lives.

Once again, geographical and cultural, rural and urban differences in these changes in relationships and marriages varied across the huge cultural diversity of the African continent.

The Changing Value of Individual Choice in Marriages

For instance, in many parts of West Africa, individual choice in mate choice has become socially acceptable only lately. This new opportunity became more affordable first among wealthy and educated men and women in metropolitan areas. Increasingly, they relied on their romantic love feelings in the selection of a spouse (Little & Price, 1973).

According to studies, African men and women across many countries also gradually came to prefer deciding who to marry based on their love feelings (Mair 1969; Little 1979; Smith, 2001; van der Vliet 1991). Romantic love became a criterion for mate selection.

Its significance and prevalence also increased in marital relationships. Companionship love became more common for some African couples. Here is an excellent illustration of modern African love:

“Chinyere Nwankwo met her husband Ike in the town of Owerri in southeastern Nigeria, where she attended a teacher’s college after completing secondary school in her village community. Ike was eight years her senior and a building contractor successful enough to own a used car, a prized symbol of wealth and success. On their first date he took her to the disco at the Concorde Hotel, at that time the fanciest in town. In addition to being educated, Chinyere was a beautiful young woman and consequently had many suitors. Her courtship with Ike lasted almost two years. During that time they often dined out and went dancing together. Among the more memorable events of their courtship were a weekend outing to the Nike Lake resort near Enugu and a trip to Lagos during which they attended a performance by Fela Ransome-Kuti, a famous Nigerian musician. During their courtship, each bought the other birthday cards, and for Ike’s birthday, Chinyere baked a cake. They went to many social events together and acknowledged to their peers that they were a couple. Not long into their courtship, Chinyere and Ike began sleeping together. Prior to approaching Chinyere’s people and his own family about their getting married, Ike proposed to Chinyere. They agreed together to get married and then began the process of including their families.”

(Smith, 2001, p.134)

Ike and Chinyere both said that they decided to marry because they had fallen in love.

Differences Between “Love for Marriage” and “Love in Marriage”

The two different tendencies are still present in African family relations. One is the changing cultural attitudes toward the value of individual choice and love in courtship. “Love for marriage” is more acceptable now than before. Another is the conservative attitude toward the value of companionate love between wife and husband, while the extended family is still of high value. Spousal “love in marriage” faced difficulties because it contradicted the high priority of “extended family love.”

Modern ways of African courtship tend to prioritize human relationships, interpersonal intimacy, and gestures of love. It gradually adopts a gender-neutral gender dynamic.

Nonetheless, the daily life of marriage and relationships between spouses remain intertwined with the larger family and community. Existing extended familial relationships and obligations are highly valued. The fertility of a wife and husband was very important, as well as their kinship functions. The patriarchal structure was still frequently reinforced in modern African marriages.

Thus, men and women in their social and personal interactions within families use both modern and traditional value systems to negotiate their relationships and achieve their goals (Smith, 2001; van der Vliet 1991). Mate selection, marriage, and family structures are evolving in modern ways. However, those changes and gender relations are still very sensitive to the values of fertility and parenthood. Even in current African cultures, collectivistic values and corporate kinship ties are still essential for the lives of new couples.

African Cultural Evolution of Marriage

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The traditions and patterns of traditional African marriages and gender relationships varied substantially across the continent due to the cultural diversity of societies and tribes. Premarital love and sexual plays were allowed for youngsters in many indigenous cultures. However, when it came to marriage, both boys and girls relied on their parents.

Their parents usually had a big say in who, when, and how their boys and girls married because it was their duty to pay the dowry, also known as the bride price. In marriage and family matters, status, resources, and inheritance were among the most important factors.

Parents rarely forced their boys or girls to marry someone they did not like. Nonetheless, both boys and girls frequently appreciated the assistance of parents and relatives in finding a suitable match for them. Yet, love was not a central point of traditional African marriages.

The Traditional Routine of African Marriage

The traditional gender roles of men and women in marriages were stereotypical and rigid. A man or woman knew the cultural expectations of him or her and what duties they were supposed to fulfill.

Every woman was expected to marry, be a good wife, a good cook, a good housekeeper in a household, and bear children. She is expected to be physically strong and be eager to put in long hours for the household’s economic well-being. Her usefulness in housework and childrearing was more important than her physical appearance and personality (Murstein, 1974).

In the system of extended families in many African societies, the role of the husband was often smaller than in nuclear families. He fulfilled his sexual duties and the father’s duty to produce offspring.

His role in the family’s maintenance and relations was smaller. In extended African households, the husband was not much needed for the wife’s and children’s survival. Any member of the family could fulfil the duties of taking care of the pregnant woman or raising children (de Munck et al., 2016; Murstein, 1974).

Spousal Relationships in an African Family

Many African communities were tribal in nature, with extended families that might be patriarchal or non-patriarchal. Gender inequality was quite widespread in African societies, with the superior status of a man and the subordinate role of a woman. However, in some societies, men and women’s relationships were relatively equal or otherwise culturally specific.

Marriage and family were about kinship and household ties rather than spouse relationships. So, affection and intimacy were not priorities. Cultural norms often expected the submissive dispositions and behavior of a wife to a husband’s superiority. However, in some family cases, the spousal relationships were more equal than the cultural norms suggested. A wife was frequently expected to work hard at farming or trading in addition to her cooking and housekeeping duties.

Divorce was relatively easy in many African societies. In the case of family violence, abuse, or overly oppressive behavior by a husband, a wife could leave him. This way, the wife’s family status and rights were protected. And the husband was restrained in his actions. In the case of a divorce, he risked losing the bride price. In these kinds of family situations, the focus was once again on the set roles of marriage rather than on the quality of the relationships between people.

Cultural Transformations of Marital Relationships in the Mid-20th Century in Africa

Many changes occurred in Africa during the second half of the 20th century, rapidly transforming traditional marital relationships. Despite regional and cultural variances, there are some new trends in relationships and marriages.

The increasing urbanization of social life and social mobility were among the major factors. A diverse range of urban jobs replaced the village’s narrow and fixed occupational roles. Transformations in African social organization broke down a collective, kinship-oriented social system.

Education was the other influential factor in this social transformation and cultural evolution. Individualism and achievement-oriented Western norms were gradually supplanting rural stereotypes and mores.

All these social processes have altered the cultural understanding of gender relations, marriages, and families. They changed the criteria and processes of mate selection and marital relations. Families’ ability to influence and control their children’s marital choices and relationships was significantly weakened.

It was especially true in urban areas. African city dwellers were caught between collectivism and individualism as cultural ideologies. They might feel guilty if they rejected their family relatives, but they would be frustrated if they let them dictate the norms.

That was a difficult cultural evolution in African marriage transformation.

Love in Marital Relationships in Africa in the 20th Century

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Africa is one of the most culturally diverse regions in the world. For centuries, people from many different cultures have lived side by side in close proximity, still maintaining their cultural values, beliefs, norms, and practices. The differences occur not only between countries but also within countries. Many African societies have a tribal social organization with extended families. However, other societies differ in this regard.

Anthropological materials have shown that people have different ideas and beliefs about love and marital relationships (Karandashev, 2017, 2019). So, it is difficult to generalize this knowledge to the entire African continent.

Let us consider some typical cases of how love is related to marital relations. This can be revealing for readers from other parts of the world.

Could African Boys and Girls Love and Marry for Love?

The young man and woman could meet and initiate the interaction and relationships that could lead to marriage. Prospective brides and grooms met at neighbors’ homes, in the marketplace, or at religious festivals. They were free to express their interest in and liking for each other. They loved each other at a distance and could interact.

Premarital sexual intercourse of youngsters was openly permissible or tolerated in some African societies but not in others. Sex plays were acceptable as long as the vagina was not penetrated. For many Africans, the physical act of sex itself was not associated with feelings of guilt. However, due to its symbolic and magical consequences, sex involved a set of rituals.

The love attraction between boys and girls might be reciprocated or not. In the case of non-reciprocal feelings, they had their own culturally specific defensive mechanisms. In many African cultural beliefs, external outside forces wield far more power than internal individual efforts. So, if a boy or girl loved someone but their feelings were not reciprocated, they did not question their own shortcomings. They were more willing to seek the help of a witch or wizard to cast a spell or provide them with a magical potion that could attract the one they desired (Murstein, 1974).

However, their parents usually played a major role in deciding whom to marry because the dowry, or the payment of the bride price, was their responsibility. Economic considerations and inheritance were among the significant factors in marital and family matters. The groom and bride might have been betrothed as children.

Love was not a focal point of traditional African marriages for a long time. However, boys and girls were usually not forced to marry someone they disliked. Nonetheless, both boys and girls frequently welcomed the help of parents and relatives in finding a match for them.

Cultural Expectations for an African Wife

In traditional African marriages, every woman was supposed to marry, be a wife in a household, and bear children. So, according to cultural traditions, African girls were thinking about their future marriages and families as something due to be fulfilled.

In some African societies and tribes, the ideal bride should be a virgin. However, many other societies were not concerned about this. So, the attitudes towards premarital sexual relationships varied across African societies and tribes.

A boy and his parents, in selecting a girl for marriage, placed less emphasis on her beauty. Tribal life was based primarily on physical strength. So, the expectations were that the prospective wife must be strong, be an excellent cook, and be eager to work hard for the household’s economic prosperity. These qualities were more important than appearance. The emphasis was more on utility than on appearance or personality. She was expected to be submissive and respectful to her husband (Murstein, 1974).

Cultural Expectations for an African Husband

There was little information available about expectations for the ideal husband. Perhaps women were less able to express their preferences for the groom. Perhaps it was less important for their patriarchal family life.

Social organization in many African societies was tribal and based on extended families, which could be patriarchal or not. The husband’s role was much smaller than in nuclear families. He was necessary for a wife to conceive a child. He was necessary for the wife’s sexual pleasure. However, in extended African families, the husband was not necessary for the wife’s and children’s subsistence. It was not necessary to care for the pregnant woman or to raise children. Any member of the family could fill these roles (Murstein, 1974).

The relationship structures of African extended families were typically gender segregated. Men and women constituted different circles of relationships. In such an extended marriage, romantic or companionate love could be an obstacle. Actually, love could ruin the “wise” marriage plans of senior family members (de Munck et al., 2016).

According to anthropological studies (de Munck et al., 2016), the extended family organization of societies makes romantic love of lower importance for marriage. So, romantic love was often naturally absent in the cultures of such societies. It was the case in many African societies.

Marriages and Families in Egalitarian African Societies

In some other African societies, however, marital relationships are different and welcoming to romantic love. The Hadza people of the East African tribal societies of gatherers and hunters in Northern Tanzania represent an example. The culture of these people is not patriarchal; it is egalitarian. They follow the tradition of bilateral descent and do not recognize clans. Their practice of family lineage regards relatives on both the father’s and mother’s sides as equal in terms of property and wealth transfer, as well as emotional ties. The descent is bilateral, and both parents receive an equal inheritance.

This cultural value of equality is conducive to and supportive of love and love matches for marital relationships. The marital relationships of serial monogamy are common. Polygynous relationships occur on rare occasions. Men and women are free to divorce, and divorce is culturally acceptable. Infidelity is usually a major cause of marriage separation (Scelza et al., 2020).

Traditional Polygyny in African Marriages in the 20th Century

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Love, sex, and marriages in Africa are topics of special interest for scholars and the public worldwide. These emotional and relational aspects of African life differ significantly from those of many other cultures around the world (Karandashev, 2017). And we still know relatively little about what is going on in ethnically and culturally diverse African societies, tribes, and communities. How do they live? How do they feel? How do they relate to each other?

The Cultural Diversity of African Societies

Africa is home to a diverse range of different cultures and ethnic groups. People are very diverse in their languages, religions, and cultural traditions. Cultural diversity can be observed between countries of the African continent, within countries, and between and within tribal communities within and across countries.

Anthropological materials have shown that people of different cultures maintain their values, norms, and customs in relationships and emotional lives. Many studies have looked at how people in Cameroon, Kenya, Nigeria, and South Africa think about their relationships, emotions, love, sex, and marriage.

Among the interesting examples are the Fulbe of North Cameroon, the Taita of Kenya, the Igbo people of Nigeria, the Zulu people of South Africa, and the Himba people of northwest Namibia. Because of such great cultural diversity, it is challenging to generalize the typical patterns of relationships and marital practices in Africa.

Here is a brief summary of the findings that anthropological expeditions of the 20th century found in common about marriages among many African cultures and ethnic groups.

The Traditional Polygyny in African Marriages of the 20th Century

Polygyny, or having two or more women, was a traditional marital practice in Africa. It is the distinctive feature of African marriage that sets it apart from most Western societies. The African supporters of polygynous traditions argue that polygyny satisfies a man’s vanity and sexual appetite. At the same time, it gives every woman a husband and reduces illegitimacy.

Polygyny was widespread across many cultures in Africa, but it was optional. It was just the possibility of polygyny. It is worth noting that those who are willing could choose to live in a monogamous marriage (Murstein, 1974).

Polygyny was strongly condemned by Christians for religious reasons. The proponents of women’s rights saw it as a symbol of servitude. But in polygyny, on the other hand, a woman could take lovers if a husband failed to satisfy her sexual needs. Co-wives might have fierce competition between themselves. But such a rivalry was not about sexual jealousy. They worried about their children’s status in the polygynous inheritance order (Murstein, 1974).

Polygyny Was Declining in the Second Part of the 20th Century

In the second half of the 20th century, the cultural norms and quantity of polygynous marriages were on the decline. However, a growing interest and emerging adoration of everything indigenous to Africa counteracted this wane of polygamous marital practices. Therefore, in accordance with this cultural enthusiasm, the Pan-African Cultural Congress of 1969 reaffirmed its support for polygyny (Murstein, 1974).

Nonetheless, polygyny in marital practices continued to decline. They lost their popularity in the second part of the 20th century. This declining tendency was especially visible among the urban population.

Increased urbanization has changed the ways of African life. The mass migration of the African population to the cities made it challenging for men to afford several wives. It was difficult for men, in terms of living expenses and in small urban apartments, to accommodate multiple-wife families.

Other cultural factors also played a role in the decrease of polygyny. These marital practices continued to be devalued by the Christian influence. Western cultural norms gradually modernized some African societies. So, people’s views on gender equality and relationships between men and women were also changing.

Polygynous relationships were incompatible with romantic love ideals. Therefore, many African students in the cities supported the monogamy of marital relationships. However, they only made up a small portion of the population (Murstein, 1974).

Urbanization was not omnipresent. The majority of people living in various rural areas and remote regions across the African continent continued to oppose monogamous ideals and practices. New social tendencies had a different impact on different tribes depending on whether they were matrilineal and how polygyny was viewed in their cultures. These effects were fairly complex. The cultural progress was slow, with gradual changes.

The New Marital Aspiration of Brazilian Companionate Love

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Traditional gender roles in marriage, familism, and respectful relationships are the cultural values that Brazilian couples strive to live by in cooperation and trust. In many families, husband and wife coexist as partners bound together by their family responsibilities, fulfillment of marital duties, complementarity of gender roles, and reciprocal support. Yet, Brazilian companionate love is becoming the new aspiration of young men and women.

Obligations, duties, and devotion of obrigaço and consideration, respect, and sympathy of consideraço are the cultural norms of Brazilian marriages, which are often maintained in families. Husbands provide and maintain the home, while wives handle housekeeping and raise children. Their household work and chores reflect their implicit feelings of companionate love, like in the Brazilian proverb,

“Love and faith you see in actions.”

Brazilian proverb

The ways of marital and family life, however, may differ between young and older people and between couples living in rural and remote regions of Brazil, small towns, big cities, and metropolitan areas. The current views of men and women on their values and priorities in gender and family relationships reflect the rapid changes they have witnessed throughout their lives. Modern economic relationships influence this transformation. Couples and nuclear families, rather than extended families, are becoming the basic relationship units.

Despite these good cultural traditions of cooperative and companionate love in families, many couples encounter expected and unexpected challenges that they need to overcome. Some of them are expected due to customary Brazilian practices and cultural stereotypes, such as the rigid gender roles of “machismo” and “marianismo”. Other challenges are brought into their lives by the new opportunities of modern society (Karandashev, 2017).

Traditional Gender Roles as Barriers in Courtships and Marriages of Young Brazilians

A passionate Brazilian character may compete with a strict sexual morality code and old-fashioned cultural stereotypes. Marriages among young girls are still common, particularly in rural areas and remote regions of Brazil. Women’s chastity is a family’s honor of high cultural importance. Men marry when they have enough money to provide and furnish a home for a family. They have more freedom to express themselves sexually. They are generally forgiven for sexual indiscretions before marriage.

When it comes to marrying and starting a family, men and women often still follow their traditional gender roles. Gender stereotypes are still prevalent. Men in “macho” roles still have more relationship freedom than women. It is permissible for them to pursue their physical, sexual, and emotional desires. However, many women must uphold their “marianismo” roles and values. When it comes to courtship and relationships with men, they are more reserved and traditional.

Men and women have different economic, personal, and sexual interests. Their stereotypical gender roles are often stamped by their “machismo” and “marianistmo” culturally specific beliefs. So, they may have different expectations in their marriages. However, they rarely talk openly about their relationships and these emotional issues. Therefore, they may frequently encounter disappointment and misunderstand each other. Breakups of marriages occur quite often. It turns out to be easier to end less official, not registered, relationships. Consensual unions are still common among the lower socioeconomic classes in Brazil. Even without marriage licenses and certificates, men and women can live together as husbands and wives.

Surprising Gender Differences in Understanding Husband-Wife Relationships in Brazilian Companionate Love

The personal identities of women are often embedded in their families and social networks. They typically sustain the emotional bonds that hold networks and families together. To meet this need for close connections, they may try to build the same kinds of relationships with their husband.

However, many men think about relationships from different perspectives. They believe that financially supporting a wife is sufficient proof of a man’s love. This really fulfills their obrigaço as their husband’s obligations. They rarely think about developing the emotional intimacies of relationships with their wives.

Consideraço, in the meaning of consideration, can be interpreted differently by men and women in different senses. Many women desire emotional intimacy as a consideration in love. For example, women say that discussing problems together is a sign of affection, companionship, and consideraço. On the other hand, men believe that sparing their wives’ worries about personal problems is considerate. Therefore, they do not understand their wives’ discontent.

Marital Infidelity and Abuse in Relationships

Another problem that many Brazilian wives face is the infidelity of their husbands. Driven by their “macho” stereotypes and passion, men are generally forgiven for their sexual infidelity not only before but also after marriage. Many Brazilian men, as “machos”, may continue to womanize and entertain their extramarital affairs. Sometimes, a young married man may even pretend and brag in front of his male “macho” peers that he has an extramarital affair with another woman (even if he doesn’t) because it is an important cultural stereotype of a macho man.

Married men may even maintain long-term residential relationships with other women at the same time. Although officially married, Brazilian men can still be in unofficial polygamous relationships with other women, being visited by husbands and fathers. This family arrangement, in some regards, resembles the Nicaraguan “absentee patriarchy,” which I described elsewhere.

Secret infidelity relationships, away from prying eyes, can be acceptable for many women. The infidelity that is publicly known by neighbors and relatives is upsetting to them.

Sometimes, women may have to tolerate their husbands’ abuse and violence. They would rather be submissive and obedient; they may even prefer the adversity of being beaten to the risk of being abandoned (Karandashev, 2017).