Category Archives: marital love

You Fall in Love with Someone Genetically Similar to You

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This article explains the surprising findings of studies which show that you are more likely to fall in love with someone who has genetic similarities to you.

The Irresistible Attraction of Genetic Similarity

What is more attractive to a loving person: similarities or differences? What draws people to each other? Do they like those who resemble themselves, or do opposites attract? It is commonly known that “birds of a feather flock together.” Multiple studies have also provided evidence to support this similarity effect (see for review, Karandashev, 2019).

Studies have demonstrated that men and women tend to initiate relationships with those who resemble them in such characteristics as socio-economic status, income, ethnicity, religion, cultural identity, age, and even body type (Karandashev, 2022).

Generally, when it comes to race, ethnicity, or even size and shape, people tend to fall in love with those like themselves. Spouses tend to have a higher level of genetic similarity than two random strangers.

Are We Genetically Predisposed to Fall in Love?

The quality of our relationship is influenced by more than just our shared experiences with a partner. In evolutionary terms, establishing interconnectedness necessitates the display of similarities between organisms. In humans, we tend to select our mating partners according to the principle of optimal genetic similarity. Because sexually dimorphic animals like humans cannot produce healthy offspring with anyone, intersexual attraction aids them in the proper selection of a mate. It’s possible that biological evolution has created a psychological mechanism that unconsciously attracts us to mates who are similar to us while excluding those who are significantly different (Lampert 1997).

We tend to fall in love with others who are genetically similar to us and look alike. We are drawn to each other subliminally because of our genetic resemblance (Robinson et al., 2017).

On the other hand, this evolutionary mechanism of optimal genetic similarity prevents incest in human societies and other species, reinforcing incest taboos (Lampert 1997).

Genetic Studies of Marital Similarity

Genetic similarities with the partner appear to be important for their short-term sexual attraction and long-term loving relationships. For example, the thousands of cases of DNA paternity tests provided evidence that men and women, when they were in sexual relations, were genetically more similar to each other than random couples (Rushton, 1988).

These findings suggest that partners are likely to recognize their genetic similarity. They experience sexual attraction without even realizing it.

Another genetic study using genome-wide SNPs in a sample of married couples in the US is also in support of this similarity explanation (Domingue et al., 2014).

Researchers discovered that spouses have significantly more genetic similarities than any two randomly chosen individuals. Surely, compared to siblings, who have around 40–60% genetic similarity, marital partners share considerably less genetic similarity. Thus, spouses tend to share a greater degree of genetic similarity than other members of the population. The contribution of a genetic factor is statistically significant. Yet it is a relatively modest one.

How Our Genes Make Us Fall in Love

The GG genotype is the set of specific genes within the oxytocin gene receptor that affects our feelings of love. The studies of the GG genotype show how genetics affect a person’s feelings toward another and a relationship between partners. Our genes determine what hormones we are predisposed to and, therefore, what personal traits we exhibit in relationships. When our hormone levels are out of balance, we may have difficulties in our ability to create interpersonal relationships and bonds. For instance, low levels of testosterone and estrogen can cause low sexual drive. Consequently, this may cause low relationship satisfaction.

Several studies have demonstrated that individuals who have the GG genotype have greater sociability, empathy, and emotional stability. It has been shown that these psychological resources are associated with happier close relationships (see for review, Monin et al., 2019).

The quality of our marriage is influenced by more than just our shared experiences. A recent study of the GG genotype, which included 178 American couples, discovered its genetic impact on marital relationships (Monin et al., 2019). Researchers revealed that when at least one person in a couple has the GG genotype, he or she is less anxious in psychological attachment to the partner, and both partners benefit by feeling significantly higher marital satisfaction than other couples with different genotypes. Even though the percentage of this genetic impact on marital satisfaction is small (about 4%), it is statistically significant compared to other factors.

How Environmental, Social, and Cultural Factors Make Us Fall in Love

Environmental, social, and cultural factors also play a substantial role in explaining why we fall in love (see more elsewhere). Similarities in social class, political orientation, ethnicity, religion, education, interests, and characters of partners play substantial roles, which are frequently more important than genetic similarities.

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What’s an Ideal Age Difference in Dating?

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What age of a prospective partner do you consider preferable? Would you prefer a partner of the same age as yours? Or would you prefer a partner with an age difference in dating?

According to evolutionary views, men and women differ in this regard. Across many cultures, men prefer to marry younger women, while women prefer to marry older men, according to studies (Buss, 1989, 1994/2003).

There are three explanations for this common tendency: evolutionary, psychological, and cultural.

Evolutionary Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

According to the early evolutionary interpretation, men and women have different mating strategies, and therefore, they have different mating preferences: the men’s preference for appearance and the women’s preference for the economic resources of their prospective mates. These gender differences were found in 37 cultures (Buss, 1989).

Men prefer relationships with a younger woman with an attractive appearance, with the implicit assumption of her good fertility prospects. Women, on the other hand, prefer an older man, implying a desire for a good resource prospect.

This preference for age differences in dating also influences their actual marriage choices. Men prefer younger women, with an average age difference of three years, according to research on actual marriages from 29 cultures. Older men and men who were divorced tended to remarry women who were younger. These age differences were three years at the first marriage, five years at the second marriage, and eight years at the third marriage. The data were similar in many societies (Buss, 1989; Buss, 1994/2003).

In some societies, however, cultural attitudes toward divorce and the possibility of a second marriage are negative. The study of mate preferences demonstrated that Jordanians are especially unwilling to marry those who are divorced. Men had a social aversion to engaging in a relationship with such women, while women were more tolerant in this regard (Khallad, 2005).

Psychological Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

This preferred age difference in dating also has psychological implications. A possible psychological explanation of the typical age difference in dating might be that girls mature earlier than boys. Studies in developmental psychology have revealed that teenage girls develop and mature faster than boys (e.g., Lim et al., 2015; Marceau et al., 2011; Tanner, 1971).

Because of this, adolescent girls are often more interested in boys and young men of an older age than of their own age. They perceive their peer boys as too childish to love, so they show little romantic interest in them.

In cases of big age differences, an older man can be a more resourceful partner than a younger one. However, much older men can be less attractive in their physical appearance and less enjoyable in their sexual lives. They may also have interests and attitudes different from those of their young wife. Therefore, social exchange, rather than love attraction, frequently motivates “sugar daddy” and “trophy wife” relationships.

Cultural Explanations of Age Difference in Dating

Cultural interpretation of the age difference in dating between an older man and a younger woman in a relationship is also possible. Many traditional societies have cultural stereotypes that encourage men to be dominant and women to be submissive. For a man who is older or taller than a woman, it is easier to make an impression of dominance. Likewise, a young woman looks more submissive than the older one. Therefore, the older man would feel more authority to protect his young wife.

The increasing gender equality in modern societies and the devaluation of these gender stereotypes lead to smaller age differences between mating partners, which are often around 2-4 years. Much younger women can still be attractive to many older men. The old men may believe that they are younger when they are with such a young, “loving girl”—a feeling that can be a self-deceptive impression. The substantial age differences can hide some problems for both men and women.

What Is the Age Difference in Dating in Modern Societies?

Nowadays, the age differences between partners tend to be smaller than in earlier times. The cross-cultural findings from several studies in the 1990s showed that women of all ages consistently preferred men of their own age or just a few years older. The men’s preferences for the age of a potential female mate, however, depend on their own age. Young men are interested in a relationship with either younger or older women; however, men of an older age become more interested in relationships with younger women (see for review, Kenrick & Keefe, 1992; Kenrick et al., 1995).

Why Are Some Men Interested in Relationships with Older Women?

Can some men prefer older women? Yes, some men prefer a relationship with women who are slightly older than they are.

According to some studies (for a review, see Kenrick, Keefe, Gabrielidis, & Cornelius, 1996), teenage boys are open to dating a girl a few years younger. However, they find women a few years older to be the most attractive. For them, communication with the women, who have more advanced interests and experiences, can be appealing. Younger men experience romantic interest in older women even when these older women do not express their interest in dating younger men.

Modern Egalitarian Tendencies in Dating Preferences

The old evolutionary preferences for young, fertile women and resourceful men are less important in modern societies with egalitarian values and advanced reproductive medicine. According to some data, more couples in modern societies than before do not want to have many children, if any (Kamble et al., 2014). So, the fertility of a woman is not a big factor in a relationship anymore. Modern gender equality gives women better access to resources than before. So, the resources of a man are also not a big factor anymore.

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Our Predisposition to Homogamy in Love

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Genetic similarity and social homogamy play important roles in our interpersonal attraction and love.

As I showed elsewhere, genetic resemblance between individuals predisposes them to fall in love. Partners in a couple share more genetic traits than random strangers. Nonetheless, it may be misleading to conclude that people fall in love solely due to their genetic similarity.

Many other life circumstances, individual preferences, and socio-cultural characteristics also play an important role. Besides, social and cultural predispositions to homogamy increase the similarity of loving partners even more.

Assortative mating, or homogamy, as a predisposition to choose a similar partner for a relationship, is evident in many social, economic, and cultural characteristics. Among those are social class, socioeconomic status, education, religion, ethnicity, caste, gender, and age. They can have a significant impact on who men and women select to love and marry. Let us consider some of them.

The Interpersonal Attraction of Social and Economic Homogamy

In many societies, homogamy and endogamy in terms of race, ethnicity, religion, and socioeconomic status are especially important for marriage. Generally, people prefer relationships with individuals of similar social and economic groups, ethnicity, religion, age, and educational level (Kalmijn, 1994, 1998).

The principles of homogamy intentionally or unintentionally motivate men and women to select partners from similar social, economic, or cultural backgrounds. They tend to date and mate with those who are similar to them in social and economic status and belong to the same cultural group. At the early stages of a relationship, men and women often pay less attention to this homogamy with a prospective mate. They tend to rely on their immediate emotions. Nonetheless, as the relationship progresses, they certainly take these factors into consideration.

However, in some traditional cultures, such as India, the economic exchange often takes place in marriage arrangements. In some cases, when a person marries a spouse from a higher social stratum, sociologists call such a marriage hypergamy—“marrying up.” In this type of mating relationship, women often marry men of a slightly higher social class than their own (Van Den Berghe, 1960).

This is also considered “upward mobility,” when women or men from low socio-economic classes prefer to date a potential partner of high economic status. This relationship would advance their status in society (Blossfeld & Timm, 2003).

Nonetheless, in many modern societies, there is a tendency toward homogamy in mating based on economic status. The plots in which a rich prince accidentally meets and marries a poor girl are good for fairy tales and modern romantic movies. However, they are far from the reality of life.

A good financial prospect in a prospective mate is important for both women’s and, surprisingly, for men’s preferences (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008).

Interpersonal Attraction of Religious Homogamy

According to surveys, people consider similar faith and affiliation to be a very important factor in their marriage choice. Their religious families often care about this even more (see for review, Karandashev, 2017, 2019).

For instance, in Jordanian traditional conservative culture, people expect as their top preference that a prospective mating partner should be of the same religion (Khallad, 2005).

In modern Western European societies, many people do not consider religious beliefs important for love. For example, many American university students do NOT rate the religious affiliation of a prospective partner as an important quality.

However, in the seemingly modern society of the USA, where religion has historically played an important role in societal life and politics, the value of religiosity for mating varies across states and cultural groups. For example, American respondents from Texas, a conservative state, rated a similar religious background as essential in prospective mates (Buss et al., 2001).

Some cultural groups in America also place a high value on the religiosity of a prospective mating partner. For instance, modern Muslim women living in the United States prefer and seek a religious marriage partner (Badahdah & Tiemann, 2005).

Interpersonal Attraction of Educational Homogamy

Across many societies throughout history, husbands were usually more educated than their wives. Husbands might need education for their breadwinner’s work, while wives working in the household and taking care of children presumably did not need education.

In recent decades, women have received more opportunities for education and have expressed an interest in studying. Gender educational equality has substantially increased, providing more opportunities for contact and communication between educated men and women. Because of this, they frequently preferred relationships with equal partners. Colleges and universities have become the places where men and women have the opportunity to meet and marry (Blossfeld, 2009; Blossfeld & Timm, 2003).

Educational homogamy between men and women in dating relationships has increased in many modern societies. Marriage partners become homogamous couples in terms of education in such countries as

However, in many countries, another trend occurs. College education became more prevalent among women than among men. Women with higher education outnumbered men. Therefore, the number of women who marry downward has increased (De Rose & Fraboni, 2016; Esteve, García‐Román, & Permanyer, 2012).

Interpersonal Attraction and Love in Egalitarian Societies

Nowadays, in modern egalitarian societies, many men and women usually have equal access to financial, social, and educational resources. That means better chances for equal relationships and marriage. All these societal factors reflect on the ways young people form relationships (see for review, Karandashev, 2023).

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The “Mere Exposure Effect” and Love Attraction

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Familiarity and similarity are powerful forces in our love attraction that can be influenced by genetic predisposition, imprinting, or by the “mere exposure effect.”

They all have the same psychological mechanism of prototypicality. Despite our interest in novelty, we are more likely to find a prototypical person more attractive than others. We generally tend to like something familiar in our lives. Novelty may have an unpredictable effect.

The “mere exposure effect” explains why social propinquity and residential proximity lead to positive attitudes in relationships, love, and marriage.

What Is the “Mere Exposure Effect”?

How frequently and for how long we perceive something determines our liking. We tend to like any object or person after repeated exposure. The more we see, the more we like. Such a “mere exposure effect” is well documented in social psychology (e.g., Bornstein, 1989, 1993; Harmon-Jones & Allen, 2001; Moreland & Zajonc, 1982; Saegert, Swap, & Zajonc, 1973; Zajonc, 1968).

Do Our Aesthetic Preferences Depend on Mere Exposure Effects?

The effect of “familiarity leads to liking” determines our preferences in music, films, body and facial appearance, and fashion. Complexity and novelty can be aversive. In many things, mere exposure and typicality shape our aesthetic preferences (e.g., Cutting, 2006; Martindale, Moore, & West, 1988).

This is why many people like pop music more than classical music. The pop songs are simple and, therefore, easy to love. Listening to complex and unfamiliar classical music may be aversive. Novelty and complexity can be appealing. When people listen to complex music more, they tend to understand and like it more. 

The “Mere Exposure Effect” and Interpersonal Attraction

The same way the “mere exposure effect” works in our communication, affecting our interpersonal attraction (e.g., Brockner & Swap, 1976; Harrison, 1977; Moreland & Beach, 1992; Saegert, Swap, & Zajonc, 1973).

The more frequently we see (listen to, smell, or touch) a woman or man, the more we perceive them as pleasing and likeable. The “mere exposure effect” influences our favorable perception of them. However, when we see someone we dislike again and again, we dislike them even more.

The “Mere Exposure Effect” Is Ubiquitous and Pervasive yet Multifaceted

This effect works in visual, auditory, and olfactory perception (e.g., Delplanque et, 2015; Heingartner & Hall, 1974; Montoya et al., 2017).

The more we see, listen, taste, smell, and touch, the more we like—to some extent. It is also evident regardless of race and gender (Hamm, Baum, & Nikels, 1975).

The effect of exposure on liking, however, is not straight but rather curvilinear. The more we see, the more we like—up to a point. The increasing liking then reaches a plateau and then declines, giving way to disliking. When we see something or someone for a prolonged period of time, the impression can become dull, boring, and even aversive.

Here Are Some Key Practical Takeaways

Let’s also keep in mind:

The more we see, the more we love, but only if we are initially neutral or slightly positive towards him or her.

However, if we dislike him or her at first, the opposite effect occurs: the more we see, the more we dislike. 

The Implications of the “Mere Exposure Effect” for Love Attraction

The “mere exposure effect” has important implications for intergroup and intercultural relations. The diverse and mixed cultural environment, rather than spatial segregation, is favorable for inter-racial, inter-ethnic, and inter-faith liking and attraction.

The “mere exposure effect” is also applicable for a better understanding of the presumed opposition between free-choice and arranged marriages. Do free-choice marriages rely on love more than arranged marriages? Not necessarily.

Proponents of free-choice marriage believe that love attraction is a prerequisite for loving relations in family, while supporters of arranged marriage think that love attraction is rather a consequence of positive relations in family. The question remains: “What is more important, initial impressions of “wow” in love, or the development of love over time as a result of the positive “mere exposure effect” of living with someone?

The “mere exposure effect” can also explain so-called “progression bias.” The psychological phenomenon of “progression bias” is a tendency of single men and women in sexual and romantic relationships to favor staying in a relationship over the course of the relationship’s progression. The longer they are in a relationship, the more they prefer to stay in that relationship.

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