Category Archives: marital love

Arranged Marriages in India

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In traditional arranged marriages, the bride and the groom have limited possibilities in making their choice of whom to marry and how the wedding is planned. Other family members, religious leaders, community elders, or special matchmakers choose a good match for the couple and make sure they get married in the right way.

The freedom of marital choice for prospective spouses and specific practices of how weddings and marriages are organized vary across different collectivistic countries, in urban and rural contexts, and in traditional or relatively modernized societies. There are no universal or common practices for arranged marriages that fit all collectivistic countries. Cultural traditions of arranged marriages vary across traditional societies.

A Collectivistic Perspective on Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriages are quite common in collectivistic cultures because of the high value of individual interdependence in social groups and families. Marriage is a matter of family, not only of a bride and a groom. Although they may feel their romantic attraction and experience love for another man or woman, as it is beautifully depicted in Indian movies, they usually understand that an arranged marriage is a cultural tradition. Therefore, they usually consent to such an arrangement.

They may have a certain degree of freedom in their choice of a partner depending on cultural variations across regions, social groups, and castes in India. However, they have very limited options to decide how wedding ceremonies are organized. This is a significant issue for the family and cultural tradition. The wedding is an important life experience not just for the couple but also for their families and all others involved. The planning, preparations, and rituals engage strong sentiments and feelings.

The collectivistic conception of self in these societies includes not only the individual herself or himself but also other family members and interdependent connections with them. Therefore, a man or woman in a collectivistic culture understands that the choice of spouse and marriage is a responsibility rather than a freedom. They feel interdependent with their family, so they adjust their decisions and actions accordingly. They feel responsible for the family’s interests and for the future of their marriage. Romantic passion is of secondary importance.

The perspectives of Western individualistic cultures and Eastern collectivistic cultures on arranged marriage differ substantially.

Nevertheless, modernization, urbanization, education, and increased social mobility in those societies have moved modern marital practices away from arranged marriages.

What Is the Tradition of Arranged Marriage in India?

Indians typically marry in their early twenties. Parrents or other kin usually arrange the mating process. The cultural patterns of mating and marriage are diverse in different parts of India. These practices also vary in rural and urban contexts and across traditional Indian castes. Variations are observed even within the same geographical regions (Banerjee, Duflo, Ghatak, & Lafortune, 2013).

Indian culture looks at marriage as a social institution from a collectivist perspective. This view considers the selection of a prospective partner as a family matter. So, young men and women respect the kin’s opinion and engage in a discussion with the family. Matchmaking is an important process that may include professional matchmakers or matrimonial websites. The process is perceived beyond the simple dichotomies of arranged versus love marriages. The modern distinctions between these two types of marriage are no longer as clearly apparent as they once were. Contemporary cultural practices do not enforce a choice between the person and the family. Young men and women treat the family’s permission as a significant but equal factor (Bhandari, 2018).

A wedding is a significant event not just for the couple but also for their families. This celebratory ceremony must be perfectly arranged in terms of rituals and timing. The preparation for the event and involvement in it engage intense sentimental emotions for many who attend. In addition, the arrangement of processes and conditions also calls attention to cultural values, norms, social obligations, kinship bonds, and economic resources (Heitzman & Worden, 1996).

Modern Arranged Marriages in India

Nowadays, in India, social and economic mobility, the proportion of the middle class, and modernization have been expanding, especially in urban areas. New generations of educated young men and women from the middle class have more control over their marital choices and the ways in which they marry (Kamble, Shackelford, Pham, & Buss, 2014).

These young people accept arranged marriage as a cultural practice, yet they modernize its meaning. They manage to reconcile the cultural traditions of family-making with their motives for personal growth. They figure out how to live in Indian culture’s modernity (Sharangpani, 2010).

Since Indian society is regionally and socially diverse in terms of religious and cultural practices (Hindu, Christianity, Buddhism, and Muslim), the extent to which modern innovations in traditions evolve varies across different parts of the country, social classes, and castes.

Transformations of Gender Roles and Arranged Marriages in India

Generally, in modern India, arranged marriages are gradually declining. The increasing geographic mobility of the population, changing relationship networks, and social media act as cultural factors of social change. They open up new avenues for young Indians to choose a marital partner and pursue marriage.

Currently, extended families and kin are less inclined and less capable of overseeing the matchmaking of their children. They are less directly involved in the marital process. It is especially true among Indian urbanites and those living abroad (Agrawal, 2015; Allendorf & Pandian, 2016).

Perceptions of gender roles and the status of women are changing. The transformations in the gender image of a new Indian woman are publicly visible. They are pervasive in many personal narratives and web-based representations. The new gender role models combine cultural rootedness and a modern lifestyle in their relationships between men and women. Therefore, the images of love and marriage are gradually changing. They adjust to the new realities and lifestyles (Allendorf & Pandian, 2016; Titzmann, 2013).

Cultural Traditions of Arranged Marriages

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Throughout history, arranged marriages of various kinds have been common in many traditional societies of the Western and Eastern cultures, as well as in other parts of the world (Karandashev, 2017).

Why Did People Agree to Arranged marriages?

This sort of marriage arrangement has been largely related to several social and economic factors that people just needed to abide by. They needed to take into consideration the interests of their family, clan, tribe, and local community, which they belonged to. Individual preferences of men and women were subordinated to the obligations of their social relationships. People mostly had a collectivistic mentality. In many respects, they felt interdependent in their family and community relationships.

How Did Cultures Start to Abandon Arranged Marriages?

Over the last several centuries, many so-called Western countries, like western European countries and the United States, have evolved into individualistic cultures. Their societies largely abandoned the idea of arranged marriages for the sake of individual autonomy. People became individuals who were more independent in their family and community relationships.

In the 20th century, social and economic conditions in many countries modernized. During the last several decades, many other countries in the world have also been in transition from collectivistic to individualistic cultures (Karandashev, 2017). So, they gradually abandoned the old-fashioned forms of arranged marriage in favor of the freedom of individual preference and choice.

Many other societies in the world are still in very slow transition from their old traditional cultures of the collectivistic type. Therefore, in those countries, arranged marriages, or their remaining old-fashioned practices, are still widely spread. In isolated, remote, and rural residential areas, these customs are more persistent than in urban areas, where modernization processes take place more rapidly.

What Is an Arranged Marriage?

An arranged marriage is a form of marriage in which the groom and the bride do not decide who they marry. Other people, such as parents or other family members, select and arrange their marriage, with a limited opportunity for the groom or the bride to express their preferences and wishes. Other members of the extended family, community elders, religious leaders, or matchmakers may be involved in helping to find a prospective spouse for a young person. The groom and the bride consent to such a cultural tradition. They agree and trust others to arrange their marriage. They may have a certain degree of choice about whom and when to get married.

Collectivistic and individualistic cultures differ in their views on the conception of individuality and therefore understand freedom of choice differently.

The collectivistic perspective looks at the choice of spouse and marriage from the perspective of family interdependence. Marriage is a matter of responsibility that includes responsibility for the family’s needs rather than for oneself.

The individualistic perspective considers the choice of spouse and marriage from the perspective of individual independence. Men and women view marriage as a matter of individual choice rather than a responsibility for anyone. The freedom to choose a prospective partner has primacy.

Societies Favorable to Intercultural Marriages

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In the modern world of increased social mobility and mass migration, many countries have become very multicultural. Subsequently, new mixed cultures with blended communities have been developed in many regions.

Some workplaces, public spaces, and residential areas have become spots where regular intercultural contacts occur. International trade, transnational cooperation, and the development of multicultural projects have also caused more regular inter-cultural contacts and interactions.

The Mere Exposure Effect and Interpersonal Attraction

The mere exposure effect and the familiarity effect may lead to greater interpersonal attraction in intercultural relations.

First, the “mere exposure effect” means “the more you see, the more you like.” We tend to love those we repeatedly see for a while and interact with them in a neutral or positive way. Negative experiences of interactions often produce an adverse effect, thus counteracting the positivity of the mere exposure effect. (See more in How does mere exposure induce love attraction?)

The Mere Exposure Effect and Interpersonal Familiarity

The mere exposure effect also creates an impression of familiarity. The others, whom we see on a regular basis, look more familiar and trustworthy to us. When we meet others who look and behave differently, people tend to be nervous and worried. This evolutionary tendency is what produces in-group positive bias, out-group negative bias, and intergroup tension. (See more in Love attraction to familiar others).

The Effects of Mere Exposure on Familiarity in Intercultural Relationships

Different cultures appear to us as in-groups and out-groups. For us, our culture is perceived as an ingroup, and people look and behave familiar to us because we see them regularly and adapt our perception frame. Therefore, we tend to like and trust them. On the other hand, another culture is perceived as an outgroup, and people look and behave strangely to us because we have never seen them before or have seen them rarely. Therefore, we tend to feel suspicious and apprehensive.

What can happen in culturally blended communities? People of different cultures see each other on a regular basis. We have become accustomed to seeing “others” who look and behave differently. The more we see them, the less strange they appear to us and the less they differ from us. We begin to feel they are basically the same good and trustworthy people as we are. If not, it may not be a matter of culture but rather of an individual’s personality.

Thus, when we meet people from other cultures routinely and in positive interactions, their looks and behaviors gradually become more recognizable and familiar. And due to the “familiarity effect”, we begin to love them more. So, the more often we see those of another culture, the more they look familiar. The more we perceive them as familiar, the more we like them.

The Opportunities Breed Possibilities for Intercultural Marriages

When applied to intercultural contacts and relationships, these mere exposure and familiarity effects can increase the likelihood of intercultural love, dating, and marriage. Considering these social psychological effects, we can think that once men and women of different races and ethnicities have more opportunities to see each other and interact in a positive way, they will perceive more familiarity in each other and, consequently, like and even love each other more. The matter of love, as in within-cultural relationships rather than cultural distinctions, will play a role in their attraction and possible love. Having regular opportunities for intercultural perception and interaction can trigger the simple exposure and familiarity effects. Intercultural and interpersonal attraction and love will follow accordingly.

Studies have shown that this possibility is real in friendships and romantic relationships. Physical and interactional proximity serve as the strongest predictors of interracial friendship and dating. The availability of interracial and interethnic contacts determines the likelihood that students of different races and ethnicities develop friendships. In the same way, greater opportunities for interracial contact predict a greater occurrence of interracial romantic relationships (e.g., Hallinan & Smith, 1985; Fujino, 1997).

However, different proportions of cultural majority and minority groups and belonging to majority or minority groups in a community have different effects on the likelihood of friendship and romantic relationships. In addition, different racial and ethnic groups have different wiliness and a chance to get into such intercultural relationships. Overall, Latinos and Asians are most likely to marry outside their ethnicity and race.

The Multicultural Society of the USA and Increasing Rates of Intercultural Marriages

In the USA, western states, and especially Hawaii, represent excellent examples of mingled multicultural communities favorable to intercultural relationships. The cultural mixing in these regions creates multicultural communities conducive to inter-cultural friendships, romances, and marriages.

The Pew Research Center conducted research in 2012 that showed that Hawaii and the Western United States had the highest rate of interracial marriages nationwide. According to that study, the US was a broadly diverse, multicultural country that continued to break down racial barriers and boundaries. Furthermore, the trend toward a high rate of interracial marriages was growing. In 2012, about 15% of all new marriages in the United States were interracial. In 2015, the number grew by up to 17%. The increasing numbers of Latino and Asian immigrants, as well as the growing public acceptance of such intercultural relationships among young people, were the major causes of the high and rising rates of interculturalism and polyculturalism (See more in The increasing trend of intercultural marriages in America).

The Western United States and Hawaii had the most pronounced increases in the number of intercultural marriages. In comparison to the national average, approximately 20% of newlyweds in the western United States were men and women of different races or ethnicities. In California, more than 23% of new marriages were inter-racial or inter-ethnic, a higher rate than in other western neighboring states. However, Hawaii had the highest rate of 40 percent interracial marriage in the country (Hawaii leads nation with 40 percent interracial marriage rate, by Rebecca Trounson, Feb. 16, 2012).

Consanguineous Marriages for Cultural Homogeneity Preservation

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Throughout the history of human civilizations, endogamy—the custom of marriages within communities of tribes, clans, extended families, and kin—has been common in many societies. These were consanguineous marriages between men and women who were closely related to each other.

These types of marriages were largely due to some historical, socio-economic, and cultural factors. They were practiced among the nobility, like kings, queens, and tsars. Commoners practiced consanguineous marriages for different reasons. Many families preferred their children to be married this way due to the advantages it offered in social and financial status. In these kinds of cultural settings, it is easier to maintain familial assets, structures, and alliances (Akrami et al., 2009; Hamamy, 2012; Shawky et al., 2011). 

What Are Consanguinity Marriages?

In consanguineous marriages, the man and woman marry each other within a circle of extended family and kin. Generally, in these cases, a potential partner is descended from the same ancestor as another person and belongs to the same kinship. They are the family members who are first cousins, first cousins once removed, and second cousins. Marriages between double first cousins are practiced among Arabs, and uncle-niece marriages are practiced in South India (Hamamy, 2012).

These are rarely cases of incest. Nevertheless, the substantial genetic similarities between spouses often cause the risk of inbreeding. Consanguinity in mating is a cause of a high rate of birth defects, stillbirths, abnormalities, and health complications in offspring (Heidari et al., 2016; Fareed & Afzal, 2014; Maghsoudlou et al., 2015).

Consanguineous Marriages in Modern Times

Nowadays, such consanguineous traditions in marriage have greatly declined in many modern societies. However, these marital relationships are still prevalent in some countries and communities across the world. According to some estimates, in the early 2000s, about 20% of the human population of the world still lived in communities practicing endogamy. And around 8.5% of children were born from consanguineous marriages (Akrami et al., 2009; Obeidat et al., 2010).

Consanguineous marriages are socially and culturally preferred among some communities across South India, West Asia, the Middle East region, and North Africa. They represent around 20–50% of all marriages in those societies. In these consanguine relationships, couples married to first cousins account for about one-third of all marriages (Bittles 2011; Hamamy, 2012; Heidari et al., 2014; El-Hazmi, Al-Swailem, Warsy, Al-Swailem, Sulaimani, & Al-Meshari, 1995; Tadmouri et al. 2009).

These cultural traditions of consanguinity have been enduring among emigrants from these cultural regions who now live in North America, Europe, and Australia. In their communities, the initiation of such relationships is also common.

These practices are more prevalent in rural areas where people are less educated. So, they are not aware of the inbreeding consequences for their offspring. Living in rural areas, they have low socio-economic status, low social mobility, and a large family size. They commonly marry at a younger age. Another reason is that these conditions cut down on the number of potential mates who could be good mating partners (Heidari et al., 2014; Masood et al., 2011; Sedehi et al., 2012; Tadmouri et al., 2009).

An Example of Consanguineous Marriages in Muslim Societies

In Muslim societies, cultural attitudes toward relationship initiation and marriage arrangements are very conservative. So, endogamous and consanguineous marital relationships are still relatively widespread. One such example is Saudi Arabian Muslim society.

Initiation of a marital relationship begins through matchmaking, in which personal kinship connections and consanguinity are preferred. Consanguinity arrangements are culturally highly important (Al-Dawood, Abokhodair, & Yarosh, 2017; El-Hazmi, Al-Swailem, Warsy, Al-Swailem, Sulaimani, & Al-Meshari, 1995).

Consanguineous Marriages Oppose Intercultural Relationships

Consanguineous marriages in the past have traditionally served the purposes of social and cultural preservation. In the cases of traditional conservative societies, they still work the same way despite the changing social contexts. The modern world is becoming more multicultural and intercultural in many regards, including intercultural marriages. The old tradition of consanguineous marriages continues to persist even when conditions have changed, like in modern America.

There is an increasing trend of intercultural marriages in America and many other societies become conducive to intercultural marriages.

Modern and Traditional Models of Relationships in Spain

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Interest in love studies has been on the rise among Spanish researchers in recent decades. Scholars explored the general processes of love relationships and culturally specific aspects of Spanish cultural models of love (Karandashev, 2019, 2022). Let us look at the modern and traditional models of relationships in Spain, considering the examples of Spanish couples and Moroccan immigrants’ couples.

The recent article “Love, Relationships, and Couple Happiness: A Cross-Cultural Comparison Among Spanish Couples and Moroccan Couples in Southern Spain” by Encarnación Soriano-Ayala, Verónica C. Cala, Manuel Soriano Ferrer, and Herenia García-Serrán recently reported the study of multicultural models of love in Southern Spain (Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021).

Modernized Spanish Culture and Relationships in Spain

The authors show that love relationships are sociocultural constructions, and the differences in cultural models of relationships in Western and Arab countries play their roles. Moroccan immigration comes from Arab society. It is Spain’s largest foreign cultural group that brings with it the Arab culture of relationships. Due to this large immigration, people in Spanish society observe the coexistence of two models of relationships: modernized Spanish and traditional Moroccan cultures.

Modernized Spanish culture has changed along with the country’s social and economic changes. There is less religious influence and more open public discussion to support freedom of choice in relationships. Attitudes towards relationships and love have become more liberal, flexible, and open to diversity. Spanish men and women tend to have a greater number of partners, with a shorter relationship duration and less predisposition to marriage. The more fluid forms of love govern these patterns of relationships. Despite such modernization of relationships in Spain, “familism” is quite distinctive to Spanish culture. Some estimates indicate that Spain is the most family-centered country in the European Union. Nevertheless, only one-third of the Spanish stated that their family had a strong influence on them. This fact can reflect the loss of the importance of the family as an institution among the Spanish.

Traditional Arab Islamic Culture and Relationships in Spain

Traditional Islamic societies have remained largely conservative in these regards. In their cultures, religion defines many of the normative prescriptions for love relationships. Although Arab Islamic societies have traditionally valued eroticism, pleasurable sexuality, and love, they considered them separate from marital relationships. In the matter of marriage, their views were opposite, with the restriction on freedom of choice and sex being focused on its reproductive function and the maintenance of social roles and status. Moroccan immigrants tend to have more stable and lasting relationships in which marriage plays an important role. Moroccan couples residing in Spain have the highest marriage rates. Marriages continue to serve a social status that immigrant Islamic communities highly value. According to some estimates, more than 90% of the Moroccans stated that their family had had a strong influence on them.

How Happy Are Spanish Couples and Moroccan Immigrant Couples in a Relationship?

Based on their analysis of earlier research, the authors identified some sociocultural differences in how happy couples feel in their relationships. They claimed that:

“The enormous changes in affective-emotional relationships in Europe and the United States have been accompanied by decreased marital happiness and satisfaction within the couple, particularly among groups with low socio-educational levels and minority ethnic groups. These groups experienced the lowest satisfaction.” “Conversely, family, sexual and matrimonial forms in Arab countries have experienced transformations in affective relationships that are tempered by the role of religion, thus maintaining greater stability in family, marital and gender structures, although younger generations are beginning to demonstrate changes in that stability.”

Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021

So, from these two excerpts, we see two main tendencies, which are difficult to judge in terms of good or bad. In the first case, it is about relationship satisfaction, while in the second case, it is about marital stability—two incomparable parameters of relationships.

Acculturation in Relationships

A main question for this study is, “What happens to couples from non-western countries, such as Morocco, when they migrate to Western countries, such as Spain?”

The authors reviewed a few studies that examined post-migratory changes in couple relationships when they migrated from traditional to modernized cultures. Those studies showed that couples continue to maintain their own cultural norms while adopting the new cultural norms of the society from which they migrated. They gradually develop a hybrid cultural model of relationships. Some immigrants acculturate to a new cultural model of love sooner than others.

The change in the affective and relational models of couples shifts the immigrants’ attitudes in favor of the romantic model of love, towards more freedom of choice and less dependency on family ties.

Couple Relationships in Morocco

In Morocco, such basic cultural values as honor, religion, traditional gender roles, and family stability significantly influence couple relationships. However, the gradual transformations in Moroccan society, such as the modernization of interpersonal relationships, continue.

Among those are legislative measures such as the “Moudawana” family code, which allowed divorce, set a minimum legal age for marriage, and started to punish sexual harassment.

A liberal romantic understanding emerged that recognizes marriage as a choice and the fruit of love. This new cultural value admits new forms of intimacy.

All these mixtures of modern norms and practices with traditional ones evolve into ambivalent and contradictory modern models of relationships. Some people experience a liberalization of their lifestyles linked to modernized sexual and social patterns. The other people tend to preserve their traditional Arab Islamic norms and practices, which are linked with puritanism and conservatism in gender and sexual relationships. Scholars also consider controversial interpretations of these changes (see for review, Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021).

Some speak of a Moroccan sexual and democratic revolution due to Western ethnocentrism. They explain the changes that occur as the result of progressive steps forward for the family, romanticism, and intimacy. Many scholars, however, focus on more traditional and folk ways of life, which give rise to rigid stereotypes about sentimental relationships in Arab and Muslim couples.

How Are the Relationships in the Couples of Spaniards and Moroccan Immigrants in Spain?

A recent survey study showed that Spaniards perceive their relationships as less stable. The relationships are influenced by a variety of factors. However, they reported spending a greater amount of time with their partners than Moroccan couples. The relational patterns of Spaniards reinforce the new, discontinuous forms of couple relationships. Those patterns are consistent with a weakening of interpersonal connections in Western societies (Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021).

Spanish women tend to highly value love in their lives. They consider intimacy especially important and rate their happiness in couple relationships highly. The Spanish women felt happier and more satisfied. However, the Moroccan women did not feel this way. Moroccan women tend to be in favor of romantic love. They give high priority to commitment, intimacy, and passion. However, someone may doubt the validity of such self-reports from Spanish and Moroccan women considering the other findings described above.

The results of a recent survey study found that the Moroccans in Spain are more influenced by religion and family. Despite the migration to different societies, they consider religion a very important factor of socialization for the Moroccan communities. They tend to maintain more stability in relationships (Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021).

For Moroccan men and women, the maintenance of social relations and communities, such as family or religious practice, is of high importance. These social values displace the importance they place on couple relationships. Couple relationships for Muslim women are based more on socio-economic materiality than on intangible sentimentality, such as love and couple relationships. Even among immigrants, love does not occupy the vital role in their lives that is culturally attributed to it. They would rather establish strong emotional bonds with other women. The stereotype of the submissive woman may not be quite adequate.

Gender-unequal stereotypical roles are considered

the “feminine mystique” and represent women as “emotional beings who are responsible for giving and expressing love to men”

(Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021, p.82)

In summary,

“The Spanish love style appears as a transitional style between the romantic model of the twentieth century and new neo-liberal forms linked to love, sexual poly-consumption and female empowerment.” “The love model presented by the Moroccan people corresponds to the traditional forms of love. In immigrant couples, the liberalisation of love that is taking place in large Moroccan cities is not observed to any significant extent”

(Soriano-Ayala et al., 2021, p. 84).

Japanese Marital Intimacy

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I noted in another article, “The Japanese Dating Culture of “Tsukiau” Relationships“, that men and women enjoy the tsukiau relationship to explore the freedom of intimate emotional and sexual relations. They do not feel any pressure or expectation to marry. Yet their relationship could lead to marriage.

What Is Japanese “miai”?

The tradition of “miai” (or, with the Japanese honorific prefix o- “omiai”) is a Japanese custom of relationship transition to marriage. It is similar to matchmaking in other cultures. This tradition has been modified in the context of modern Japanese lifestyles. After kokohaku (“confession”), a man and a woman enter a new chapter of their relationship development, which ultimately evolves into miai. An introduction to the parents follows, and marriage is seriously considered.

Some may see the process of “Omiai” as akin to arranged marriages. Sometimes, there is an outsider’s general assumption that arranged marriages are culturally normative in Japan. However, it is largely not the case nowadays. The real arranged marriages happen in Japan now quite rarely (probably less than in the 10-20% cases), mostly in rural areas, and substantially less in modern times (Relationships and Sexuality in Modern Japan. Last updated in 2011).

These days, many more marriages are formed out of mutual love for one another. Once the Omiai begins, actual dating means less than before. Successful “Omiai” implies that the man and woman go on a series of dates that result in a decision about whether they decide to marry or not.

  • If they decide to marry, they go through a formal marriage process called “miai kekkon.” The groom’s family typically arranges miai kekkon.
  • If they decide not to marry, they each go their separate ways.

Public and Private Sides of Japanese Intimacy

In Japanese culture, public displays of affection for a loved one—such as holding hands, kissing, hugging, or any intimate physical contact—are considered impolite, rude, or shameful. Many times, one would never guess that partners are actually a married couple. Publicly, Japanese tend to pretend that they are not in love.

This is why kissing is uncommon in Japanese films. Many people condemn kissing in public places. The majority of men would never kiss a woman in public. But if they would, they would feel embarrassed.

Any form of intimacy should be kept in private areas. In the home, children commonly say that they have never seen their parents kiss or express affection in any way.

It should be noted, however, that modern men and women of a young generation, especially in the larger cities, are slowly changing these old customs of public displays of affection.

Problems with Marital Intimacy in Japanese Culture

In general, traditional Japanese culture places a low value on psychological intimacy in marriage. Therefore, sharing one’s intimate self in companionship with one’s spouse has been less common (e.g., DeVos, 1985; Roland, 1988).

Even among many middle-class Japanese couples, psychological intimacy in marriage is still uncommon. There are two contextual factors that impede the formation of intimate relationships in marriage (Roland, 1988).

The men’s intimate psychological needs have usually been fulfilled in the circle of other men in the workplace. The intimacy of their friendship outside of work is uncommon among Japanese men.

The women’s intimacy needs have been satisfied in their friendships with other women and their relationships with their children. Because men generally spend long hours at work and then have rituals of lengthy socializing after work, it is difficult for women to create closeness in their marriage relationships.

Love in Bedouin Culture

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Bedouin culture is the culture of the nomadic Arab people who live in Arabia, the territory that stretches from the deserts of North Africa to the rocky sands of the Middle East. Living in tribes, they have a common culture of herding camels and goats. Most Bedouins follow Islam, but there are also a small number of Christian Bedouins. In Arabic, they are known as the ʾAʿrāb (أعراب).

One example of such a society is that of the Bedouins in the Western Desert of Egypt. Another example is the Arab-Palestinian people in southern Israel. Some Bedouins still follow their traditional culture, living in clan structures. The others, however, have acquired a modern urban lifestyle, abandoning their nomadic and tribal traditions.

In another article, I talked more about “Bedouin Culture.”

Two Realms of Love in Bedouin Culture

In Bedouin societies, love exists in two realms: real and ideal (Karandashev, 2017). The traditional Bedouin culture is a patriarchal society, keeping boys and girls, men and women, segregated. The moral discourse comprising modesty and honor has a high value. Cultural norms discourage autonomy and individual choice in relationships. As in many other traditional South Asian cultures, kinship, family honor, and social hierarchy are valued more than individual emotions and preferences. Therefore, both men and women usually feel uncomfortable in intimate relationships (Abu-Lughod, 1986/2016).

The Ideology of Gender Inequality in Bedouin Culture

Bedouin cultural ideologies declare gender inequality and social hierarchy. Individuals have the freedom to make choices about their lives. However, the value of autonomy is normally associated with masculinity. The cultural value of autonomy is for men, while the cultural value of dependency is for women. In Bedouin communities, patriarchal control over women is still existent and prevalent (Aburabia 2011, 2017; Kook, Harel-Shalev, and Yuval 2019).

The traditional extended family—the hamula (clan)—continues to maintain high authority and control over women’s lives. Every woman can choose what she wants, but she must know the limit (Aburabia, 2011; Daoud et al., 2020; Harel-Shalev, Kook, & Elkrenawe, 2020, p. 493).

An extended family puts limitations on and also keeps control over men’s lives, yet men are allowed to have more autonomy and freedom. For instance, the practice of polygyny is still common among the Bedouin community, even though it is legally forbidden. The approximate rates of polygamy are 20–30%. In some villages, it could be 60% (Aburabia, 2011).

Cultural Dreams of Romantic Love in Bedouin Culture

On the other hand, stories, poems, and songs in modern Bedouin culture cherish romantic love as a high value. It is worth noting that passion seems more valuable than intimacy. Love is bound by controversial emotions. Poems of love may express an individual’s strength, autonomy, mastery of passions, and support of the values of honor and modesty. On the other hand, the poetry of love expresses attachment, vulnerability, loss, and bitterness related to the state of “being in love.” Romantic poetry is valued, relishing a declared freedom from social domination. It conveys subversive messages. Thus, despite the patriarchal and segregated society in which Bedouins live, their stories, poems, and songs of romantic love cherish the imaginations of people in modern Bedouin culture. Romantic poems, songs, and stories about love offer important expressions of deeply held human emotions and desires that are considered unacceptable and disturbing by the dominant culture (Orsini, 2006, pp. 22–23).

The amorous feelings expressed in poems and the seeming rigidity of modesty in daily communications are evidently at odds with each other in modern Bedouin culture. Does it mean that these poetic sentiments illuminate the more authentic selves of men and women? Not necessarily.

Ideal and Real Love in Bedouin Culture

The romantic, poetic expression of love is not always evidence of a person’s more genuine self. The psychological interactions between the social hierarchy of power, the moral sentiment of modesty and submissive reverence, and the poetic discourse of love are far more complex than just defying authority. These cultural experiences cannot be reduced to such straight interpretations and cannot be simply contrasted with Western understandings.

The structure of Bedouin love is more tangled than Western scholars tend to interpret it. Poems, songs, and romantic stories enrich men’s and women’s cultural understanding of emotions, but do not refuse or rebel against the reality of the love life. Their selves rearrange priorities and integrate other people and social obligations into their extended “collectivistic self.” Their freedom of choice integrates with social affordances and communal responsibility. Such perspectives on love appear to contrast with European American individualistic culture, which emphasizes an individual’s freedom of choice while minimizing responsibility for the choices individuals make.  (Abu-Lughod, 1986/2016).

What Kind of Partners Do Men and Women Prefer to Love and Marry?

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Would you marry someone who is beautiful or handsome, kind, smart, honest, dependable, and industrious, as well as having many other qualities you desire in a mate, but you are not in love with her or him?

What do men and women believe is important for love and marriage?

It seems natural and sounds like common sense that men and women have expectations of mutual interest in mating relationships. Everyone wants not only to love but also to be loved. Unrequited love is a bummer! This is why men and women, when in love with someone, are eager to guess whether they are loved by their beloved or not.

Love and Marriage in the Historical Past

It should be noted that during other historical periods and in other cultures, love played a small role, if any, in the selection of a marriage partner. Many romantic ideals of love and mutual attraction have been depicted in novels and paintings. For centuries, they have served as romantic inspirations for youngsters from wealthy and educated social classes. The reality of marriage was more practical for the majority of people across the world (see many examples in Karandashev, 2017).

The roles of mutual attraction and love have been different in traditional conservative cultures with arranged marriages and in modern liberal cultures with free marriage choices. Nevertheless, as studies have demonstrated throughout years of research, for young men and women, mutual attraction and love are among their main preferences. And the role of these motivators has been constantly increasing over the recent years of cultural evolution across many societies.

What Did the Early Studies of Mating Preferences Reveal?

In the United States, Canada, and many European countries of the 1950s and 1960s, young people substantially increased the value of love and mutual attraction in their marital choices. Many men and women in modern societies have begun to consider love as the basis for marriage. Several studies documented that evidence in their surveys. Nonetheless, for some people in many societies and social classes love was not a requirement for marriage and was far from these ideals (see for review, Karandashev, 2017).

A study of the 1980s administered across 33 nations in 37 cultural samples from many religious, ethnic, and cultural groups identified the personality traits and the qualities of physical attractiveness and resourcefulness that men and women in various societies preferred to find in potential mates (see in Buss, 1994; Buss et al., 1989).

In the 1990s, men and women in various societies around the world viewed mutual attraction and love as the most desirable qualities in their relationships with potential mates. Many men and women in the United States, as well as in many other contemporary industrialized societies, believed that love was the primary basis for marriage (Allgeier & Wiederman, 1991).

Cultural Evolution of the Value of Mutual Attraction in Love and Marriage

How has the value of love changed throughout modern societies and cultural generations? 

Several recent cultural and cross-cultural studies have shown that mutual attraction and love play stable and even increasing roles in mating and partnership in both traditional and modernized countries. Modern men and women commonly connect love and marriage in their dreams.

A historical comparative study of the geographically diverse samples in the USA, despite the modest sample size, demonstrated stability as well as cultural evolution of mating preferences throughout the 1939–1996 period in terms of the personality, physical, and social attributes of potential partners. Data also showed that mutual attraction and love remained and even increased their mating value during that 57-year period for both men and women. This increase in the cultural value of love and attraction for marriage among North American university students suggested that marriage was evolving to a companionate type (Buss et al., 2001).

Two other historical comparative studies analyzed the data of the 1980s and 2010s in Brazil (Souza et al., 2016) and India (Kamble et al., 2014). Researchers in both studies discovered that love and mutual attraction, kindness, and understanding (among other things) remained important in mate preferences over time. 

The results from India were especially noteworthy. It was evident that, despite the long tradition of arranged marriages, young people in India have always wanted love in their marriages. Those who are familiar with Hindi cinema know that Bollywood romantic movies have traditionally featured grandiloquent dialogue and all-important songs and dances of love. These melodramatic stories of love are full of elevated emotions and expressions and beautifully illustrate the dreams of mutual attraction and love among Indian people. The latter did not preclude understanding the practical value of arranged marriages (Dwyer, 2014).

Modern Studies of Preferences in Love and Marriage

Several studies of recent times have shown that love and mutual attraction remain the enduring motivations of men and women for mating, partnership, and marriage. The authors reported their research data obtained in such culturally diverse countries as Jordan (Khallad, 2005), India (Kamble et al., 2014), Brazil (Souza, Conroy-Beam, & Buss, 2016), and the United States of America (Buss et al., 2001).

Attractive Personality Traits for Relationship

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Several articles on this blog have covered a wide range of physical and socioeconomic characteristics that people in various cultures search for in potential mating partners. The last article demonstrated how the stereotype “what-is-beautiful-is-good” makes us believe in many other positive personality traits of a physically attractive person.

On the other hand, I showed how a good personality and love make us perceive the beauty in our beloved one.

People’s wisdom across cultures says, “Never judge a book by its cover.” For example, as the Russian proverb says, “Looks aren’t the only thing that matters” (“Beauty is only skin deep”). Many people and cultures consider personality traits as more important attributes of potential mates than their physical appearance (see for review, Karandashev, 2019).

Among psychological factors, the personality characteristics of a potential partner play a significant role in romantic encounters and relationships (e.g., Walster, Aronson, Abrams, & Rottman, 1966).

Let us consider the personality traits that are attractive to people in various cultures. Are there any similarities? How different are such preferences in different societies?

Early Studies of Mating Preferences from an Evolutionary Perspective

One of the early cross-cultural studies across 37 cultural groups from 33 nations revealed that personality traits that men and women in many societies find attractive in potential mates are being lively, having a pleasing disposition, having emotional stability, having a dependable character, being kind, having intelligence, and being mature. These studies of mate preferences for long-term mating showed that the physical attractiveness of women for men and the resource prospects of men for women were only of moderate importance compared to those psychological and personality characteristics (Buss et al., 1989)

Evolutionary interpretations are very plausible. Men, who presumably needed to propagate their own offspring, wanted to ensure that they were the rightful parents. Therefore, they are especially concerned to know that they are the parents of their children.

From an evolutionary perspective, men were not very selective in their sexual relationships. Nevertheless, they still preferred women “who are sexually loyal and likely to be faithful as indicators of paternity certainty.”(Buss & Schmitt, 1993, p. 226).

The Cultural Evolution of Mating Preferences in Attractive Personality Traits from the 1939s to the 1990s

The later studies demonstrated that cultural evolution throughout the second half of the XX century (from 1939 to 1996) took place and changed the valuation of psychological and personality mating factors. Men’s and women’s preferences for a prospective partner’s intelligence, education, and sociability have become higher. However, the mating values of chastity, neatness, and refinement diminished (Buss et al., 2001).

During the period from 1939 to 1996, the importance of political background was still low for prospective mating partners. 

During those decades of the 20th century, several personality characteristics of a prospective partner, such as a pleasing disposition, emotional stability, dependable character, and maturity, were consistently of high value for both men and women.

By the early 1990s, men had increased their preferences for similarity of educational background and good financial prospects in their prospective partners, which was a noticeable change in the historical evolution of mating preferences. Yet, for men, the value of a woman as a good cook and housekeeper decreased. On the other hand, for women, the mating value of a man being ambitious and industrious decreased.

Modern Mating Preferences for Attractive Personality Traits

The importance of various traits in modern mating preferences has been demonstrated in another study from the early 2000s. The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) administered an Internet survey about preferred traits in a mate among 119,733 men and 98,462 women. Respondents in this cross-national study were asked to select the traits that they viewed as the first, second, and third most important attributes in a prospective partner. From a list of 23 characteristics, participants across all nations and cultures ranked as the most important traits “intelligence, humor, honesty, kindness, overall good looks, facial attractiveness, values, communication skills, and dependability.” (Lippa, 2007, p. 193).

Overall, men ranked facial attractiveness and good looks more important than women did. Sex differences in rankings of attractiveness were very consistent across 53 nations. On the other side, women ranked honesty, humor, kindness, and dependability as more important than men did. Across countries, indices of gender equality correlated with rankings of character traits in both women’s and men’s responses. However, there was no correlation with rankings of physical attractiveness. The study showed that cultural factors were associated with how women and men ranked character traits. On the other hand, biological factors were relatively more predictive of women’s and men’s rankings of physical attractiveness.

Attractive Personality Traits Among Muslims and Jordanians in the Early 2000s

Muslim women living in the United States prefer a prospective partner who is emotionally sensitive and sincere. They place a higher value on these characteristics than men do (Badahdah & Tiemann, 2005).

Men and women in Jordanian society prefer the same attractive personality traits in their prospective partners as in many other cultures. These are refinement, neatness, kindness, and a pleasing disposition (Khallad, 2005).

How Social Propinquity Leads to Love

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The article explains how social propinquity and residential proximity affect our interpersonal relationships, love, and marriage.

Men and women tend to like those with whom they get together frequently. In social science, this is called the “propinquity effect.”

They have favorable attitudes and interpersonal attraction towards them, unless there is some aversion from the first encounters. Social psychologists call this phenomenon the “mere exposure effect.”

This is often how our positive relationships and in-group bias develop. This is how we often find friends and fall in love with a girl or boy in our immediate proximity. This can be a benchmate, a classmate sitting next to you, or a guy living nearby in the neighborhood. This can be a spatial or virtual proximity between people who meet in person or online.

The Effect of Residential Proximity and Social Propinquity on Love

Residential propinquity is the geographic proximity and physical closeness between people residing in certain neighborhoods. Spatial nearness is an important factor for the initiation of different kinds of relationships (e.g., Alphonso, 2016).

As for romantic and marital relationships, the role of propinquity is evident both in traditional and modern societies.

How Residential Propinquity Affects Marital Choice in the United States

In America, the early studies examined the residential propinquity of couples in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and New Haven, Connecticut. In 1931, sociologists examined the residential distance between the partners before they dated each other. About one-third of married couples resided within five or fewer blocks of each other when they first met. In cases where men and women resided farther from each other, the chance of marriage was lower—markedly and steadily (Bossard, 1932; Davie & Reeves, 1939).

Residential segregation was the most likely ecological factor explaining why propinquity influences marriage selection. Homogamy of economic, social, and cultural traits as well as ethnic endogamy could also explain why closer neighbors are more likely to marry each other. The propinquity effect was especially strong among American Jews, American Italians, and African Americans, probably due to their tendencies to settle in proximity to their cultural residential communities (Kennedy, 1943).

Another American study was conducted in the 1950s in Duluth, Minnesota, demonstrating the same propinquity effect.

Only “one-fifth of all the couples lived within five or less blocks of each other. The percentage of marriages decreased as the distance between residences increased…”

(Marches & Turbeville, 1953, p. 592).

However, the results showed a weaker propinquity impact than the earlier study in Philadelphia 20 years before. The effect of residential propinquity in marriage selection was once again confirmed. However, the importance of geographical location was lower—likely due to historical changes in the degree of residential segregation.

How Residential Propinquity Affects Marital Choice in New Zealand

Researchers also found the effect of residential propinquity and segregation of social status groups on marital choice in their study in Christchurch, New Zealand (Morgan, 1981).

How Residential Propinquity Affects Marital Choice in Israel

Another study was conducted in Israel, a society where young men and women often reside far from their permanent home regions (due to military service) for several years. As a result of such high mobility among youth, the effect of residential propinquity on dating was less important. The marriage records of 1974–1975 obtained in a centrally located town showed that the effect of residential propinquity on marital choice is lower in that country, with some variations. Cultural factors, however, influenced the effects of residential propinquity: Jews of Eastern origins were more affected by propinquity than Jews of Western origins (Tabory & Weller, 1986).

Residential propinquity and marital choice in India and Pakistan

How Residential Propinquity Affects Marital Choice in India

The factor of territorial propinquity is salient in tribal and traditional societies with limited relational mobility, such as the Lingāyats, a religious group in southern India. Interviews with the heads of the Lingāyat families in a suburb of Dharwar City showed that kinship marriage is preferential. Endogamy and hypergamy are very important rules of mate selection. The rules of this cultural group’s endogamy determine the geographical propinquity of their marital relationships (Chekki, 1968).

How Residential Propinquity Affects Marital Choice in Pakistan

The same role of residential propinquity was found in the study of an urban Muslim community in Karachi, the largest city in Pakistan, conducted in 1961–1964 (Korson, 1968). While among the lower class, the residential distance between husband and wife at the time of marriage was shorter, in the upper social class, the residential distance was higher.

Residential Propinquity and Homogamy in Relationships

The residential structure of a neighborhood according to socioeconomic class, race, and ethnicity, as well as limited communication between cultural groups, certainly lead to segregation. Such segregation, along with propinquity, can be a factor affecting in-group bias in marital choice. Propinquity usually causes homogamy: partners are more favorable to one another in the same local community, church, city, or country. Due to these factors, partners in a dating relationship are often similar to each other in social class, culture, religious affiliation, and education.

Although propinquity generally means physical proximity, modern online technologies of mating extend the concept and expand the opportunities for meeting potential partners. The reported level of intimacy in computer-mediated relationships is not related to the physical distance between partners. Geographical distance does not play the same role in this case as the level of self-disclosure (Merkle & Richardson, 2004).

Among the Other Topics of Interest in this Regard Are: