How Brazilians Distinguish Between Passionate Love and True Love

Posted on June 6, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

The Brazilian Portuguese word “amor,” which means “love,” refers to a wide range of beliefs, feelings, emotions, attitudes, and behaviors that characterize gender relationships, sexual encounters, and emotional connections. The challenges, however, arise when people distinguish between the “paixao” and the “amor” kinds of love. When they try to explains what these notions mean and how they differ, they are often uncertain, vague, and offer inconsistent explanations.

As a popular Brazilian saying states, “o coração é terra desconhecida”, that literally means “the heart is an unknown land.”

**Brazilian distinction between paixao and amor love**

The Brazilian lexicon of love distinguishes between paixo as passion and infatuation, associated with the tumultuous emotions of sexual attraction, and amor, as stable and deeper feelings of love. Nevertheless, for many, it is difficult to tell the subtle differences between paixao and amor. They are not always sure which one is true love. People may find it especially challenging to identify these feelings in the context of their personal emotional experience. As they say, the subjective experiences of paixao and amor are very similar. It is especially challenging to distinguish between these love emotions when a relationship is just in the beginning. At these early stages of encounters, the two feelings are intertwined together.

As American Professor of Anthropology Linda-Anne Rebhun noted from her study in Northern Brazil, when people tried to differentiate their descriptions of amor and paixao, they often used similar wording. For instance, as a twenty-five-year-old man said,

“Amor is when you feel a desire to always be with her, you breathe her, eat her, drink her, you are always thinking of her, you don’t manage to live without her. There are moments when you will adore staying with her, and there will be moments when you will hate to stay with her. And about paixão, you feel an attraction as if it were a rocket: I want to hug you, to squeeze you, to kiss you. But this is not love, it’s horniness, a very strong sexual attraction for a person”
(Rebhun, 1995, p.254).

This Is How Brazilians Explain What Love Is

For many Brazilians, it is challenging to say whether what they are feeling is true love or merely paixão. They say that they can’t always tell what they’re feeling when they’re in love. Sometimes they realize that they love someone only later, when their relationship ends. They recognize that they thought they hated him or her. Actually, it turned out they loved them but didn’t know it or didn’t want to acknowledge it.

As a twenty-six-year-old man put it,

“Generally, paixão is shorted-lived while amor is more enduring and lasts much longer. Now, amor and paixão, they walk together, but before the end of the road, paixão, it stops walking. But amor goes the whole distance, no matter how difficult the road, amor walks with you, and if you fall, amor carries you.”
(Rebhun, 1995, p.253).

Brazilians characterize paixão as prone to more idealization than amor. Therefore, being in paixão, a lover is at great risk of disappointment and disenchantment. As a twenty-eight-year-old man said,

“Paixão is that fantasy, that you see the person and start to imagine how they are. But with time the impression changes and one becomes disillusioned, and goes looking for another person to idealize, always thinking, “This is her! This is the only one!” But it never is, because it is imaginary”
(Rebhun, 1995, p.253).

Or, as another man of nineteen-years old commented,

“Paixão is a temporary sentiment. It doesn’t last forever. It is only something that we beautify about someone. We idealize them, but that is temporary. At times paixão is the deceiver because it seems like amor. But paixão is quick, it is also very greedy; it only wants for itself. Paixão is where jealousy exists. Amor does not have jealousy, it lasts forever. It is certain. But paixão is unsure, and uncertainty is what breeds jealousy”
(Rebhun, 1995, p.253).

How Do Brazilian Men and Women Differ in Their Understanding of Love?

Both Brazilian men and women discern between the words paixao and amor, although men appear to be more confused and puzzled when they need to distinguish between the meanings of these feelings of love. Many men acknowledge that true love can exist for more than one woman at a time, although women strongly deny this possibility. They believe that amor is only monogamous and committed feelings. In the same vein, some married men believe that their affairs will not endanger their marriages because their feelings for the “other woman” are “paixo”, whereas their feelings for their wives are “amor“.

Concerning this point, many women see this male mentality as a sign that they are incapable of experiencing true love. Women believe that paixão is youthful, immature feelings, while amor is a mature and committed emotional experience. Many women say that their feelings for their spouses evolve with time in their relationship and marriage. Some women believe this transition occurred due to their own personal maturation rather than because of the change in their paixão.

In recent years, the modern Brazilian understanding of the relationship between paixão and amor has evolved. People believe that these two kinds of love can merge together when sexual passion fuses with true love in marital relationships.

What Is “Romantic” in Romantic Love Across Cultures?

Posted on May 31, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

Once, Western historians and literary scholars believed that “romantic love” was invented by West-European civilizations during the Medieval and Early Modern periods. Beginning with the “courtly love” (amour courtois) of the 12th and 13th centuries in France, Spain, and Germany, the presence and importance of romantic love ideas in European literature increased over the following centuries.

**What Was “Romantic” in the Early “Fin’amor””?**

The trobadors of southern France, the trouvères of northern France, and the Minnesänger of Germany were the early poets and singers of love known as fin’amor, which meant “refined love” in the Occitan language, spoken at that time in Southern France and some regions of Italy and Spain.

This lyrical, melodic, and fascinating love of poems, songs, and novels was really “refined.” It was distinct from short-term passions and sexual desires. It was a kind of love centered on emotional attractions and attachments, a re-ordering of life priorities, and long-term commitments.

In medieval literature, romantic love was viewed as spiritual rather than physical and as a long-term rather than short-term experience. For trobairitz and troubadours, describing sexual desire as an appetite wouldn’t be an adequate way to depict how lovers felt about each other.

Hundreds of love stories, from “Tristan and Iseult” to “Floris and Blancheflour”, appeared in literature at the turn of the 12th century and enjoyed tremendous success throughout Western Europe.

“The Romance of the Rose” (“Le Roman de la Rose“) was a romantic medieval poem of love written in the Old French language. This poetry was a beautiful example of “courtly love” literature because it showed the art of romantic love through an allegorical dream.

The growth and flourishing of love fiction in Western Europe during the Central Medieval period (1000–1300 years) occurred at a time of an extensive increase in population, substantial urbanization, and a rise in gross domestic product per capita (see for review, Baumard et al., 2022; Duby, 1994). Growing economic development was an important factor in this literary evolution.

How Did Cultures Develop Their Notion of “Romantic Love”?

Western scholars thought that these European ideas of romantic love had disseminated over time across other cultures throughout the world.

However, recent studies have demonstrated that Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Arabic, and Persian cultures of the past centuries developed their own literary traditions of “romantic love” fiction concurrently and mostly independently from Western literature (Baumard et al., 2022; Karandashev, 2017).

How can we say that it was the same “romantic love” across all these cultural literary expressions? Researchers found that the plot and the narration of all these romantic stories available in different cultures have similar psychological elements of love. These are idealizations of the beloved, emotional attractions and attachments, re-ordering of life priorities, long-term commitments, and others (see Karandashev, 2017, 2019, 2021b).

All romantic novels, epic poems, and tragedies across different cultural traditions contain the same topics: “love at first sight”, “tragic separations”, “faithful love”, “suicide for love”, and alike. They are all the elements of content, genre, and style designed to stimulate people’s interest in love, pair bonding, and relationships.

These elements are easily recognizable in the romantic stories of the early and later historical periods. Let us consider a few examples.

Romantic Love in the Literature of Ancient Greece

The ancient Greek novels of the Early Roman Empire of the 1st–3rd centuries AD, “Leucippe and Clitophon,” “The Ephesian Tale,” and “The Aethiopica” are clearly romantic: young couple in love, of extraordinary beauty, are plunged by hostile fate into various adventures and dangers, until, in the end, for the most part after a rather long separation, they are united in a stable, faithful love for a life that is henceforth unchangingly happy” (quoted in Baumard et al., 2022, p. 507).

Romantic Love in the Literature of Ancient China

In the same way, the Chinese caizi-jiaren are romantic stories with all the key romantic elements. The protagonists are attracted by each other’s physical and personal qualities. They usually fall in love with each other at first sight. They also succeed in overcoming the obstacles and marrying each other. Thus, they represent an idealized couple.

“The Story of the Western Wing” by Wang Shifu (Xixiangji in Chinese) was the most well-known love story of the 13th century. It is about the adventures of the star-crossed lovers, Oriole and Student Zhang. This play influenced numerous later plays, novels, and short stories that were prominent in the Chinese cultural history of romantic love.

Romantic Love in the Literature of Other World Cultures

The plot and narrative of romantic love, along with corresponding literary elements, are evidently present in the Sanskrit love tale of East India “Nala and Damayanti”, in the Japanese jōruri play “The Love Suicides at Sonezaki”, in the Persian tragic romance “Khosrow and Shirin”, and in the Arabic old story “Layla and Majnun”.

Thus, we can see that the literary themes, plots, and narratives of “romantic love” have been omnipresent in many world cultures throughout human history. And they emerged and developed independently from each other, but surprisingly, during approximately the same periods when their societies experienced economic growth, an expanding population, and increasing urbanization.

Romantic Values of Love in Societies

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

Romantic love emerged as a literary idea and an unrealistic and idealized type of love. Men and women who have romantic values of love tend to idealize a partner and a relationship. If both partners are romantically involved, we can say they are in a romantic relationship. The greater their idealization and admiration of each other, the more romantic their love is.

Based on a thorough review of many studies, I have described the 9 main characteristics of romantic love. Here I put together some of the specific beliefs and romantic values about love:

Believing that their beloved is an ideal romantic match,
Thinking that the beloved is the best and most unique individual,
Paying attention to the positive qualities of the beloved,
Overlooking his or her negative qualities,
Trusting to follow your heart,
Believing that love conquers all (Karandashev, 2021b)

These romantic values and beliefs in love may have positive and negative effects in different interpersonal situations and cultural contexts (see for review Karandashev, 2019).

What Are the Romantic Myths of Love?

These romantic beliefs are opposite to pragmatic beliefs in love. They resemble “romantic myths” of some kind (De Roda et al., 1999). Elaborating on these romantic beliefs, Spanish researchers assembled them into the following groups:

1) the equivalence myth,

(2) the “better-half’ myth,

(3) the exclusiveness (of being love) myth,

(4) the eternal passion myth,

(5) the omnipotence (love conquers all) myth,

(6) the fidelity myth,

(7) the marriage myth,

(8) the couple myth.

What Cultures Have the Most Romantic Beliefs about Love Across the World?

According to many studies of the second half of the 20^th century, people in France, Spain, Germany, and Russia had higher romantic beliefs compared to Americans. The strong European romantic cultural traditions of the past might influence their romantic nature.

American people exhibited romantic beliefs of a moderate degree, which are much lower than the American cultural myths represented in the 20^th century’s consumeristic images and Hollywood movies. Because of the long-standing puritan and practical ideals that the early generations of settlers in America lived with, Americans expressed rather companionate and friendship-oriented love beliefs.

People in several African societies also had lower romantic beliefs compared to Europeans and Americans. They probably were less exposed to the European and American cultural romantic ideas of the 20^th century. Their cultural understanding of love in African societies was a mixture of their traditional indigenous conceptions of love (like “ubuntu”) with the Western ideals of romantic love.

The romantic beliefs of people from Caribbean regions, such as the West Indies, were relatively similar to those of Americans. This could be because of their greater exposure to American romantic ideas through cultural media and touristic exchange. Caribbeans exhibited higher romantic beliefs compared to Africans. In East- and South-Asian societies, Indians, Chinese, Japanese, and Turkish people were less romantic than North Americans and Europeans. Their love beliefs were more socially pragmatic and in accord with East Asian collectivistic traditions of submission of personal identity for the sake of the group (see for review Karandashev, 2019, 2021b).

What Cultures Are Conducive to Romantic Values of Love?

Generally, the romantic values of love are pronounced

in the societies with more social mobility than with less social mobility,
in societies with richer romantic literary and artistic traditions,
in individualistic independent cultures than in collectivistic interdependent cultures, and
in modernized societies (modern cultures versus traditional societies).

In short, French, British, German, and Russian cultural traditions significantly influenced the romantic values of people in several European countries, as well as in many other countries of the world. The North-European American culture was less romantic, despite cultural stereotypes. Nevertheless, it was moderately romantic due to the values of independence and autonomy. The East Asian Japanese and Chinese, South-Asian Indian, Middle East Turkish, Latin American Caribbean, and African cultures were much less romantic in their beliefs. The educated people of middle or high socioeconomic classes in Western cultures have traditionally been more likely to fall in romantic love (see for review Karandashev, 2017).

The Current Changes in Romantic Values

However, modern people have been changing. And romantic ideals and beliefs may be vanishing in the minds of modern generations. Currently, less educated people believe in romantic love more than the more educated people, and the people of an older age believe it more than the younger people (e.g., De Roda et al., 1999, see for review Karandashev, 2019).

No studies of romantic beliefs have been undertaken in recent years. However, many observations allow us to believe that romantic attitudes are declining in North American and European countries, while they are increasing in several other societies described above (see for review, Karandashev, 2019, 2021b, 2022).

9 Main Characteristics of Romantic Love

Posted on March 13, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

How can we know that love is truly romantic? How is romantic love different from other kinds of love? What are the main characteristics of romantic beliefs, expectations, and feelings?

As I show elsewhere, the term “romantic” primarily means “idealistic” or “idealized.” Romantic views idealize the world and people. The same way, romantic love idealizes a partner and a relationship. Many scholarly books and articles have shown the complex nature and phenomenology of romantic love. We can conclude that nine typical features characterize the experiences and expressions of people in romantic love (see Karandashev, 2017, 2019, 2021b for detailed reviews). Here they are:

1. Idealization of the loved person and the relationship

A romantic lover emphasizes the exceptional virtues and neglects to see the negative qualities of the loved one. The romantic lover is remarkably capable of perceptively highlighting the traits that are excellent in the beloved. He or she is also able to translate negative characteristics into positive ones or rationalize them.

2. Sexual attraction to the loved one and a yearning for sex with him or her

Idealization of the beloved is also evident in the erotic facets of romantic love. For a romantic man or woman, the beloved is an excellent sexual partner. Erotic, physical, and sexual attractions are the essential experiences of romantic love. The longing for reciprocity is overwhelming. A romantic lover naturally desires to be the only and exclusive sexual partner for their beloved person. If not, then sexual jealousy becomes a dramatic experience.

3. Passionate and affectionate emotions are associated with the loved one

Passion or affection are the distinct emotional experiences of romantic love. They are the basic features of romantic beliefs. This is why many scholars of love tend to use the word “passionate love” as a synonym for romantic love. The latter is understandable yet somewhat inadequate. Romantic love and passionate love are overlapping yet different types of love (see another article about this).

4. Mental and emotional preoccupation with the loved one and the relationship

The intrusive thoughts about the loved one and about being together are obsessively in the mind of a man or a woman who are in romantic love. Intensive fantasies boost the desired expectations and illusions of reciprocation when love is unfortunately unrequited. A loving person is exceptionally sensitive to any signs—verbal or nonverbal—that can be interpreted favorably. He or she is prone to recognize “hidden” passion in the seemingly neutral facial or body expressions of the beloved.

5. The perception of exceptional and unique qualities in the beloved person

The feeling that the beloved is exceptional and the only one in the world who fits you perfectly. A romantic admirer is exceptionally devoted. He or she perceives the beloved as someone who stands out in real or idealized attributes that set him or her apart from everyone else. Therefore, he or she seems irreplaceable by anyone else. The life without him or her might not be worthwhile to live.

6. A passionate desire for physical and emotional unity

Passionate desire for physical and emotional unity, for close psychological affiliation with the beloved person. A romantic lover intensely wishes to be in spatial and bodily proximity, to feel emotional closeness, and to develop psychological bonds.

7. The commitment to a relationship with this person

The romantic lover is committed to the relationship and hopes that love for this person will endure forever. Such feelings assume commitment and the desire to know that this relationship is exclusive for both. The experience of romantic jealousy in the case of a possible breakup is very dramatic and devastating. For a romantic admirer, it is impossible to be in love with anyone other than this one person, at least at the present time. Longing for exclusive reciprocation of the relationship makes the unrequited love a deep suffering.

8. Emotional attachment and dependency

The romantic attitudes, emotions, and feelings evolve into deep attachment and strong psychological dependency while lovers care and are concerned for each other. A person in romantic love wants to do (almost) anything to meet the beloved’s needs.

9. Happiness, fulfillment, the transformational power of love

A romantically loving person is ready to reorder his or her priorities and values for the sake of the loved one. His or her care for their romantic relationship becomes a focal point of interest. And it can be at the expense of other responsibilities. The pursuit of happiness and the pleasure of being together with a loved one are especially strong. Any adversity can intensify passionate feelings. Many have heard the expression that

“romantic love grows up remarkably great in situations of adversity.”

The cultures definitely differ in the emphasis people place on certain attributes of these main qualities of romantic love. Their cultural values can place a higher or lower priority on some of them.

What Is Romantic Love?

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

Over the years, many writers and scholars have widely used the words “romantic love” and “romantic relationship” with somewhat casual and fuzzy meanings. They frequently used these words instead of the words “passionate love” and “premarital relationship”.

The romantic experience often engages passionate feelings, but not necessarily. It may also involve calmer, more affectionate feelings. Romantic love has several other features that make it more complex than passionate love (Karandashev, 2019).

The Literary Idea of Romantic Love

Several centuries ago, romantic love emerged as a literary idea. Since those times, many authors have used the word for centuries as a literary term, while laypeople often shy away from it.

The concept of romantic love implies certain cultural ideas and beliefs. For centuries, oral folk storytelling and written novels have been at the forefront of generating and disseminating notions of love among the educated elite across many cultures (see for review, Karandashev, 2017).

Artists and writers have expressed such fantasies in their creative works. The romantic cultural thoughts and images presented in abundance in fine art, poetry, and novels may coincide with the reality of people’s lives or may not. Romantic love can also refer to the individual beliefs, emotional dispositions, traits, states, and romantic behaviors of some people.

In this article, I talk about “romantic love” as it is described in scholarly tradition. What does the term “romantic love” really mean?

The Unrealistic and Idealized Type of Love

Romantic love is an unrealistic, irrational, and idealized type of love. Literary and social science scholars have primarily contrasted romantic love with rational, practical, and pragmatic love. Realistic and pragmatic attitudes are the opposite of romantic beliefs. Romantic lovers prefer to live in their idealized world of fantasies and aspirations. They tend to idealize their partner and their relationship. Their romantic imaginations embrace their minds.

These imaginative ideas and perceptions of a partner and a relationship inspire them to favor personal choice over practical and social affordances. This is why lots of people can say, “Love is blind.” And many men and women enjoy being “blind”, enchanted, and elevated in this romantic world. It is worthwhile for them. Romantic love brings them away from the mundane and boring reality of their daily lives and onto another plane of existence. They believe “love always wins” and “love conquers all.”

What Is the Romantic Experience of Love?

Literally, the word “romantic” refers to something or someone characterized by an idealized view of reality or people. Romantic artists and writers of the past strived to depict the world according to their idealized perceptions. Romantics are generally idealists. The same way, a romantic lover or a person in the state of romantic love perceives the beloved, their relationship, and everything around them through rose-colored glasses, an idealistically optimistic view.

Cultural and personal beliefs of societies, however, determine what qualities of love and relationships are considered “romantic.” People’s understanding of “romantic love” varies across time and cultures, as well as between different types of men and women. These can be the beautiful romantic words said to the beloved, a romantic letter, a romantic dinner, a romantic dance, a romantic weekend, or a romantic honeymoon. It can be anything that partners perceive as romantic (Karandashev, 2017, 2019).

The most notable agreement between scholars is that romantic love is a certain set of romantic beliefs and the “idealization of a lover’s unique qualities and considering a relationship with him or her as exceptionally perfect”(Karandashev, 2021b, p. 63).

Romantic Idealization of a Partner and a Relationship

Such romantic idealization manifests itself in idealized attitudes toward the beloved and the relationships with him or her. Romantic idealization is obvious in a person’s experience of love feelings, emotions, and moods.

The key features of such a romantic experience are “viewing the partner at a given moment in a highly positive way, probably but not necessarily with desire or passion, and the seeking and yearning for sexual intimacy, which may have already been attained” (Lazarus, 1991, p. 276).

In short, “romantic” means something idealized and beautiful.

“Romantic love is a combination of beliefs, ideals, attitudes, and expectations that coexist in our conscious and unconscious minds.”
(Karandashev, 2017, p. 30).

Certain patterns of emotional, cognitive, and behavioral tendencies are associated with romantic love. As is associated with other types of love, romantic love has a distinct set of characteristics that distinguish it from others.

What are the main key features of romantic beliefs and expectations?

The Japanese Way of Dating

Posted on March 5, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

This article explains when and how Japanese dating takes place. Courting, dating, and marital relationships are the periods when men and women expect an intimate relationship and love to evolve. Across cultures, such practices vary in terms of time and degree of intimacy (Karandashev, 2017, 2019).

When and How Young Japanese Start Dating

In Japan, many men and women start dating only after high school. In general, students in high school take their studies seriously. They are preoccupied with school, and parents generally discourage their teenage children’s dating.

In college and beyond, dating becomes important for young men and women. In Japan, many of them feel very shy at the beginning of a relationship due to the lack of communication with the opposite sex during their adolescent period.

What Is the Japanese “Group Dating”?

Due to cultural anxiety about intimacy, starting a relationship can be tense and overwhelming for many Japanese boys and girls. The practices of “gōkon,” or “group dating,” help eliminate the tension of interpersonal encounters in a traditionally collectivistic society. This kind of dating is quite popular among young Japanese people because they are very wary of one-on-one interaction when they first meet a partner.

When a young man and a young woman want to get to know each other, they often bring along three or four other eligible friends. They all meet up together, for example, in restaurants or bars.

After initial group communication and games, men and women get together in their circles, discuss who is interested in whom, and may exchange phone numbers and/or e-mails. Many in Japan still get to know each other through a third-party introduction.

In Japanese culture, being courteous is a priority, whether a boy or girl enjoys one another at a first meeting or not. Therefore, they tend to exchange messages after their first encounter, telling each other that they enjoyed their meeting and wish to continue going out again. Alternatively, they can simply thank the other for their time together without sending an explicit message that they are not interested in meeting again.

Confession in Love Is a Step Towards Intimacy

The rituals of “confessions” are evidently present in many societies in the precious relationship episode of saying “I love you” (“I like you a lot!”) for the first time in a relationship. It is a very special moment that signifies a new stage in a relationship. It is commonly known across many cultures.

This is a step forward to the intimate stage of a relationship if the other responds with “I love you too,” explicitly or implicitly. Such reciprocity is expected and anxiously awaited. A lover hopes to turn the page of a relationship into the next chapter. Such expectations of reciprocity, however, are not always fulfilled. The latter may turn the relationship down another path.

According to many cultural traditions, a man (or sometimes a woman) first declares their love for each other. In a sense, this confession means “Would you be my lover/boyfriend/girlfriend?” depending on the linguistic and cultural connotations accepted in a special cultural context.

What Does the Japanese Word for “Confession” in a Relationship Mean?

Kokohaku, or “confession,” is an important Japanese dating custom. In the Japanese cultural tradition, a man usually initiates the confession by asking a woman to go out. However, in modern dating practices, women may confess as much as men do. The Japanese “I love you” resembles the English “I like you.” However, the Japanese have their own serious words for love.

If the “confession” turns out to be reciprocal, a man and a woman enter another, more serious stage of magkasintahan. They become boyfriend and girlfriend, or lovers in a broad sense of the word. Their relationship soon becomes more serious and intimate (in various regards).

Love and intimacy evolve in what the Japanese call “tsukiau” relationships.

The Two Meanings of Love in Bedouin Culture

Posted on February 26, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

The field study of relationships in Bedouin culture, conducted by American anthropologist Dr. Deborah Wickering (1997), uncovered a diversity of love conceptions in those cultural groups. Bedouins distinguish two kinds of love: ilhub and ralya.

**What Kind of Love Does Ilhub Mean in Bedouin Culture?**

The word “ilhub” is the most common noun for “love” and the most common verb for “to love.” People understand it as a sickness, a death-defying condition, carrying passion, desire, and pursuit. This kind of love involves longing, passion, and a desire for something (or someone) that a person does not possess. This kind of love is a fierce illness that inhabits the body.

“Emotions can control a person. In love, you can’t think of anything else; usual rules are broken. ”
(Wickering, 1997, p. 79)

Unrequited love brings a loss of appetite. When the pursuit of desire is thwarted, the person feels depression and lethargy. As the lyrics of a popular Bedouin song say,

**What Kind of Bedouin Love Does Ralya Mean?**

The word ralya means “dear,” “precious,” and “valuable.” It stands for an emotion that a person feels toward family members, friends, and a marriage partner. People experience this kind of love as a feeling of security and support, as a feeling of being safe, protected, held, and cherished. The love feelings of “ralya” relate to a social network of obligations, duties, and rights in kin and friendship relations.

“Obedience to one’s parents was obligatory.”
(Wickering, 1997, p. 80)

Ralya is love for those who are currently present and with whom a person has familiarity and social contact. The kinship bonds of ralya sustain human life. These love bonds provide the necessities of survival: shelter, protection, food, and clothing.

The Bedouin ralya is love in the context of various rituals and routines of everyday life. It penetrates talks and meals. It permeates the relationships with people with whom a person shares a routine familiarity and intimacy. Other people in the ralya relationships have the close bonds with each other (Wickering, 1997, pp. 78–79).

The passion of ilhub pulls a lover toward the beloved, while fear precipitates aversion. People use the word xayif representing fear, an avoidance response, and heart pounding, to denote the strength of feelings in ralya.

**The Relationship between Ralya and Ilhub Is a Paradox of Love in Bedouin Culture**

According to Wickering’s interpretation (1997, pp. 80–81), the ilhub

“takes an individual out of the familiar, secure, and known toward chaos, risk, danger, and possibly death. It is a passion for otherness.”

In ilhub,

“the other is different, distant, outside of routine and obligation. In patrilateral cross-cousin marriages, union is made of sameness.”

The Bedouin story of tragic love is about a desire to subvert an obligation. This love is a flight away from rules.

The desire of a person toward unity with another—a beloved—can destroy this person’s unity with those who are the same—family members. On the one hand, love supports life, while on the other, it unhinges it.

Field observations by Wickering have revealed that emotions for Bedouins are physical and corporeal. The heart contains both ralya and ilhub, along with fear, another emotion of concern to the Bedouin people. The struggle between these two forces brings both excitement and tragedy (Wickering, 1997, p. 80).

Cultural Connotations of Love among Bedouins

Ralya and ilhub are the types of love that are related to each other, yet neither one is dominant. The Bedouin culture of love is closely related to their traditional nomadic life, which brings people together and takes them apart.

Because of this, men and women often feel a tension between presence and absence, which is embodied in the tension between ralya and ilhub.

On the one hand, the bonds of ralya keep kin together. Those people, who are in the relations of ralya, are present in small kin groups. They are visible and look familiar. They are close, both physically in the household and in daily activities. They are emotionally and intimately acquainted.

On the other hand, “ilhub” reaches out with desire in the distance, breaks order, and subverts kin bonds to develop outside attachments. The emotion of ilhub stems from distance and absence. It fosters a desire and longing for someone who is not involved in “ralya” relationships. A man and a woman may feel ilhub; however, they are veiled from each other. They are expected to keep a public distance from each other.

Love in Bedouin Culture

Posted on February 25, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

Bedouin culture is the culture of the nomadic Arab people who live in Arabia, the territory that stretches from the deserts of North Africa to the rocky sands of the Middle East. Living in tribes, they have a common culture of herding camels and goats. Most Bedouins follow Islam, but there are also a small number of Christian Bedouins. In Arabic, they are known as the ʾAʿrāb (أعراب).

One example of such a society is that of the Bedouins in the Western Desert of Egypt. Another example is the Arab-Palestinian people in southern Israel. Some Bedouins still follow their traditional culture, living in clan structures. The others, however, have acquired a modern urban lifestyle, abandoning their nomadic and tribal traditions.

In another article, I talked more about “Bedouin Culture.”

Two Realms of Love in Bedouin Culture

In Bedouin societies, love exists in two realms: real and ideal (Karandashev, 2017). The traditional Bedouin culture is a patriarchal society, keeping boys and girls, men and women, segregated. The moral discourse comprising modesty and honor has a high value. Cultural norms discourage autonomy and individual choice in relationships. As in many other traditional South Asian cultures, kinship, family honor, and social hierarchy are valued more than individual emotions and preferences. Therefore, both men and women usually feel uncomfortable in intimate relationships (Abu-Lughod, 1986/2016).

The Ideology of Gender Inequality in Bedouin Culture

Bedouin cultural ideologies declare gender inequality and social hierarchy. Individuals have the freedom to make choices about their lives. However, the value of autonomy is normally associated with masculinity. The cultural value of autonomy is for men, while the cultural value of dependency is for women. In Bedouin communities, patriarchal control over women is still existent and prevalent (Aburabia 2011, 2017; Kook, Harel-Shalev, and Yuval 2019).

The traditional extended family—the hamula (clan)—continues to maintain high authority and control over women’s lives. Every woman can choose what she wants, but she must know the limit (Aburabia, 2011; Daoud et al., 2020; Harel-Shalev, Kook, & Elkrenawe, 2020, p. 493).

An extended family puts limitations on and also keeps control over men’s lives, yet men are allowed to have more autonomy and freedom. For instance, the practice of polygyny is still common among the Bedouin community, even though it is legally forbidden. The approximate rates of polygamy are 20–30%. In some villages, it could be 60% (Aburabia, 2011).

Cultural Dreams of Romantic Love in Bedouin Culture

On the other hand, stories, poems, and songs in modern Bedouin culture cherish romantic love as a high value. It is worth noting that passion seems more valuable than intimacy. Love is bound by controversial emotions. Poems of love may express an individual’s strength, autonomy, mastery of passions, and support of the values of honor and modesty. On the other hand, the poetry of love expresses attachment, vulnerability, loss, and bitterness related to the state of “being in love.” Romantic poetry is valued, relishing a declared freedom from social domination. It conveys subversive messages. Thus, despite the patriarchal and segregated society in which Bedouins live, their stories, poems, and songs of romantic love cherish the imaginations of people in modern Bedouin culture. Romantic poems, songs, and stories about love offer important expressions of deeply held human emotions and desires that are considered unacceptable and disturbing by the dominant culture (Orsini, 2006, pp. 22–23).

The amorous feelings expressed in poems and the seeming rigidity of modesty in daily communications are evidently at odds with each other in modern Bedouin culture. Does it mean that these poetic sentiments illuminate the more authentic selves of men and women? Not necessarily.

Ideal and Real Love in Bedouin Culture

The romantic, poetic expression of love is not always evidence of a person’s more genuine self. The psychological interactions between the social hierarchy of power, the moral sentiment of modesty and submissive reverence, and the poetic discourse of love are far more complex than just defying authority. These cultural experiences cannot be reduced to such straight interpretations and cannot be simply contrasted with Western understandings.

The structure of Bedouin love is more tangled than Western scholars tend to interpret it. Poems, songs, and romantic stories enrich men’s and women’s cultural understanding of emotions, but do not refuse or rebel against the reality of the love life. Their selves rearrange priorities and integrate other people and social obligations into their extended “collectivistic self.” Their freedom of choice integrates with social affordances and communal responsibility. Such perspectives on love appear to contrast with European American individualistic culture, which emphasizes an individual’s freedom of choice while minimizing responsibility for the choices individuals make. (Abu-Lughod, 1986/2016).

Love Power Is in the Power of Both Fire and Water

Posted on January 24, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

The aid of a metaphorical lexicon help us better grasp what love is. Various Western and Eastern languages and cultures have metaphors, metonyms, and related concepts for “fire,” “heat,” and “water” that stand for the core qualities of love (see Karandashev, 2019).

Metaphors of Love as Fire and as Water

In other places, I showed many cultural examples of how the lexicon of many cultures represents the metaphor of “love as fire” in Western cultures as well as in other societies around the world. It is worth noting that these metaphors are frequently associated with metamorphic images of water.

Water is also a power of love, yet it can have different connotations. In some ways, love and relationship emotions resemble the power of water. Nevertheless, they are as powerful as water in its numerous variations. They can be like storms, like waves, like rivers, like the great flood. For example, when we are overwhelmed by feelings, we experience emotional flooding, either in a positive way (feeling elation and euphoria) or a negative way (feeling anxiety and frustration).

“Looking at her, I was flooded by love”.
“Waves of passion came over me”.

“He swept me off my feet”.
“I was carried away by love”.

Jane Eyre: Love Torn Between Fire and Water

The English Victorian culture of 19^th century, however, presents a different example of Western cultural views on the metaphors of love-as-fire and love-as-water. “Jane Eyre” (Brontë, 1847/2008)- the novel of Charlotte Brontë beautifully exemplifies this cultural idea of that time. The fire-water image symbolizes the key points of the novel: love finds a golden middle way between the flames of passion and the waters of reason.

“She re-awakens the glow of their love, and their two natures join in a steady flame that burns neither as wildly as the lightning that destroyed the chestnut, nor as dimly as the setting sun of St. John Rivers’ religious dream”
(Solomon, 1963, p. 217).

The wildly passionate appeal of romantic love goes along with control (Imlay, 1993; Solomon, 1963)

Love as Fire and Water in Eastern Cultures

Water and fire metaphors also represent love in Eastern cultures. For instance, the Indian tradition embodies love in the metaphor of heat that commonly represents the power of fire and power of water:

Swept away by rivers of love

(swelling floods of their desire)

Torrents dammed by their elders

(propriety of all parents require)

Close they stand, anxious but still

(hiding passions, restraining sights)

Lovers drink nectars from the blossoms

(the love that pours from the lotus eyes).

Amaruśataka, a collection of Sanskrit erotic lyrical poems (cited by Siegel, 1983).

Eastern Cultural Representations of Love as Water

In India, love is widely represented in the context of water in Hindi films, television dramas, and songs. They follow the aesthetic traditions evolved in Sanskrit/ Hindi and Urdu poetry and art (Dwyer 2006, p. 294). In the Hindi films, romance and love are portrayed in a paradise setting: parks, gardens, mountains, and valleys: “a whole set of visual codes (landscape, setting, physical appearance, costume, symbols, and so on) as well as those of the language itself, a blend of registers of Hindi, Urdu, and English.” (Dwyer & Patel, 2002, pp. 55–59).

The romantic eroticism of water is portrayed by beautiful rivers, waterfalls, mountainous areas, and tropical beaches of paradise. Many episodes of films depict the fantastic places that create private spaces for romantic couples, where they are away from their family that can control their personal lives, love, romance, and marriage.

Islamic island culture in the Maldives is different from Hindu culture. Nevertheless, Maldivian video clips resemble the way love and eroticism are presented in Indian films and music. These video clips, on the other hand, frequently place love in the beauty of the Maldivian landscape. They portray the turquoise water, the swaying palm trees, and the white sand beaches of the islands (Fulu 2014).

Questions for thought:

Do you know any other metaphors about love as water?

How are the relation of fire and water represented in those metaphor?

Do other languages and cultures have similar or different metaphors about love as water?

You may also be interested in the articles:

Where do you feel your love?

Love as a natural force

Body metaphors of emotions across cultures

Love-as-fire across European and North American cultures

References

Brontë, C. (1847/2008). Jane Eyre. Oxford University Press.

Dwyer, R. (2006). Kiss or tell: Declaring love in Hindi films. In F. Orsini (Ed.), Love in South Asia (pp. 289–302). Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

Dwyer, R., & Patel, D. (2002). Cinema India: The visual culture of Hindi film. London, UK: Reaktion Books.

Fulu, E. (2014). Domestic violence in Asia: Globalization, gender, and Islam in the Maldives. London, UK: Routledge.

Imlay, E. (1993). Charlotte Brontë and the mysteries of love: myth and allegory in Jane Eyre. Parapress Limited.

Siegel, L. (1983). Fires of love, waters of peace: Passion and renunciation in Indian Culture. Honolulu: University of Hawaii Press.

Solomon, E. (1963). Jane Eyre: Fire and Water. College English, 25(3), 215-217.

Cultures Across the World Regard Love as Fire

Posted on January 23, 2022 by Victor Karandashev

A metaphoric lexicon helps us better understand what love is. In many languages, the metaphors, metonyms, and related concepts of “fire” and “heat” represent the strong passion of love (see Karandashev, 2019).

The metaphors of “love as fire are among the most representative in English (Kövecses, 1990), for instance, in such a saying as “My heart is on fire.”

This type of metaphor, which compares love to hot and powerful forces like fire, is common in North American and many European languages. According to cross-cultural lexical studies, metaphors of “love as fire” are common not only in Western American and European cultural contexts, but also in many other cultures around the world.

Biological nature of love as heat and fire

The metaphors of fire, heat, hot represent the intensity of love in many European and North American cultures (see for review, Karandashev, 2019).

Seemingly universal lexical expressions of passion and the fire of love across languages and cultures have biological roots in the natural forces of the body. The psycho-physiological arousal that people experience when they are in passionate love determines this feeling of body heat. The rising body temperature, flushed and blushed cheeks, sweating palms, and a racing heart manifest body sensations resembling a burning fire. It is the warm feelings like being drunk. The release of such brain chemicals as adrenaline, dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin causes men and women to experience the sensations of euphoria and passionate love feelings.

Cultural variances in the metaphoric lexicon of love as fire

Conceptual metaphors reflect the variable intensity and concomitant experiences of love, from obsession to strong passion to moderate passion to affection. This experience varies according to the type of personality as well as cultural differences between people.

For example, Americans have the culturally normative extroverted character, while Chinese have the culturally normative introverted character. These cultural differences certainly effect how people in the two cultures normatively experience love.

The metaphor “love as fire” is more typical for English. The metaphor “love as silk” is more typical of the Chinese love lexicon. The American, British, and French people speak about love differently—with great excitement and passion, while the Chinese speak about it tactfully and indirectly (Lv & Zhang, 2012).

The Love Metaphors of “Fire-as-Heat” and “Love-as-Light“

“Fire” can symbolize not only the heat of passionate love but also the light that love brings to people. Love often makes a person’s life brighter, more joyful, and more meaningful. Here are two cultural representations of love expressed through the metaphors of fireworks and fireflies.

“Love-as-Light” in Chinese Culture

The metaphor of a “firework of love” is typical in Chinese but not in English (Chang & Li, 2006).

In Chinese, “Love is like fireworks. It is beautiful but does not last long” (ài qíng jiù xiàng yàn huǒ, duǎn zàn ér měi lì).

In English, the decrease of love intensity is expressed as “the fiery passion died down and gave way to warm affection” or “the old-time fire is gone.”

Thus, these cultures conceptualize differently the disappearance of love fire over time.

“Love-as-Light” in Japanese Culture

The similar glowing connotation of passionate love is known in Japan as the metaphor of fireflies, -“hotaru” (Namiko Abe). It has been a beloved metaphor for passionate love in Japanese poetry for centuries. “Hotaru” are like stars that came from the heavens to the earth.

“Love-as-Light” in Persian Culture

In the Persian language, the metaphor of fire in love can be illustrated by a contemporary Persian poem by Fereydoon Moshiri:

عشق تو بسم بود، که این شعله ی بیدار

روشن گر شب های بلند قفسم بود

“Your love was enough for me, for this wakeful flame (of fire)

enlightened my long nights in the cage”

Romantic vibe of candle lights and bonfires

The popularity of bonfires and candle lights associated with romantic relationships is another illustration of the metaphorical significance of fire in love. Across many cultures, these images of fire are conducive to romantic love. Candlelight has brought people light in life and spirit for centuries, until the invention of electric bulbs.

Since the middle of the 20th century, candles have become popular in secular life again—this time for other purposes. During the 1980s and 1990s, people in Western cultures began to use candles for decoration, creating a relaxing ambiance in their homes. The tradition became popular for romantic dinners with loved ones. Nowadays, a candle-lit dinner for two is a cultural stereotype in many Western cultures. The flickering and soft glow of candle flames is excellent for igniting the fires of amour.