Category Archives: marital love

Bitter-Sweet Nicaraguan Love in a Rural Town

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In the traditional patriarchal rural communities of Nicaraguan society, the conservative values of gender inequality and Latin American cultural norms heavily influence feelings about love, relationships, and marriage.

Romantic love, in accordance with the Latin American stereotypes of “machismo” and “marianismo,” plays its role in the premarital relations of young adult boys and girls. Once they are married, their romantic love evolves into customary love. What does marital love look like between a wife and a husband in the rural setting of San Juan, Nicaragua?

Transition of “Romantic Love” into “Real Love” in a Nicaraguan Couple

In the context of Latin American culture, the dating and premarital relationships of Nicaraguan young men and women may appear romantic. However, once they have married, their “romantic love” transforms into the more traditional “practical love” of daily routine. Their romantic love evolves into another kind of love — “customary love” of action and service, “pragmatic love,” or “realistic love.” These notions of love are common in peasant communities where men and women do different but complementary jobs and have different roles (Karandashev, 2017).

These practical views on love have more meaning in rural and agricultural settings, in which a substantial part of the Nicaraguan as well as the Central American population, still lives. Such practical versions of love are more in accord with the subsistence needs of people living in those social contexts. This kind of love is more adaptive to such conditions in life. Men and women have different gender-specific roles and a gendered division of tasks in the traditional patriarchal gender order. Proper gender role fulfillment and work in complementary cooperation are all given top priority. In everyday life, a husband can do his wife’s chores when she is sick, which is also considered an act of love. Serving each other, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, building, and fixing something in the house are actions of benevolence and love for each other and their families. All these things indicate love. This is how love works in a variety of sociocultural contexts (Karandashev, 2017).

This is how, for example, marital love is commonly expressed in the rural settings of Nicaragua and Brazil (Hagene, 2008; Montoya, 2003; Rebhun, 1999).

The Controversies of Patriarchy and Divided Love in a Nicaraguan Rural Community

The patriarchal ways of family life and practical love in traditional Latin American societies, such as Nicaragua, sometimes turn into unexpectedly different family relationships. The rural Nicaraguan community of a small coastal town, San Juan, presents one such example (Hagene, 2008; 2010).

As I noted above, in such situations, Nicaraguan women are economically and socially autonomous from men. They provide for their children and a “visiting husband” with everything that the family needs. They still fulfill their marital and sexual duties to their “absentee patriarch.” Despite being economically independent, they tolerate unequal and unfair relationships with men.

Women give their husbands services in exchange for very little, but they frequently have to deal with their husbands’ violence and infidelity. Many women choose to be submissive to men in the hopes of finding emotional fulfillment in the realm of love (Hagene, 2010).

The alternative of breaking means a “loss” for these Nicaraguan women. They often do not want their husbands to tolerate their infidelity. The discreet infidelity of their husbands, away from prying eyes, is more acceptable to them.

However, they are concerned that people will find out about it and spread the word through gossip. The public exposure of infidelity is distressing. So, women perceive infidelity in public in front of neighbors as upsetting. Otherwise, they are willing to tolerate and accept it as “divided love.”

Gender Relations in Latin American Patriarchy

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Traditional patriarchal norms, rural conservatism, and gender inequality in Latin American societies heavily influence men’s and women’s feelings about love, relationships, and marriage. In rural areas of the country, more than in urban areas. The cultural ideas and stereotypes of “machismo” and “marianismo” play significant roles in gender relations in many Latin American countries in Central and South America.

Traditional Latin American Patriarchy and Gendered Values

The “machismo” and “marianismo” cultural norms of Latin America have a significant impact on the relations between Nicaraguan men and women. According to these cultural stereotypes, men are strong while women are weak in various qualities, not only physical ones. Socially, men have more options when it comes to interpersonal interactions than women do.

In general, men have more power, higher status, and more relationship freedom than women. Thus, intergender relations appear initially as they would in a traditional patriarchy. Once again, people in the country’s rural areas are more traditional and culturally conservative in these regards than those in urban areas (Hagene, 2008; Rebhun, 1999).

What Is the Traditional Patriarchy in Latin America?

Many Latin American countries in Central and South America still have patriarchal cultures. Nicaragua is among those. In these countries, society is typically conservative and characterized by inequalities between men and women. This societal structure commonly characterizes classical patriarchy.

Men’s and women’s gender roles in family life are quite different and unequal in several respects. There are persistent stereotypical distinctions between male and female gender roles and family duties. Men are the dominant members of the family, while women are the submissive members. Despite this inequality, both men and women fulfill their respective family roles, with reasonable contributions from both sides. The man provides resources, establishes rules, and manages family issues. The woman stays at home, takes care of her family, and raises her children. Women are dependent socially and economically on men, who provide them and their families with the resources for subsistence. Such dependency relations look like gender inequality, characterizing this patriarchal culture of gender relationships.

Strange Cases of “Absentee Patriarchy” in Latin America

Sometimes, however, patriarchal practice can turn into the structure of family relationships unexpectedly different from traditional patriarchy. These relationships can be called the “absentee patriarchy.” Here is an example of such a “patriarchy” from Nicaragua—a small Central American country located on the land between the Caribbean Sea and the Pacific Ocean. Let us consider relations between men and women in the rural Nicaraguan community in a small coastal town, San Juan (Hagene, 2008; 2010).

Men are often romantic in their relationships with their wives until they become married. Then, their “romanticism” stretches beyond their wives. Husbands often womanize and even engage in parallel relationships. Women tend to tolerate such extramarital affairs. The relationship turns into polygyny of some kind when women accept their husbands’ infidelity..

Because a man frequently has more than one wife and family, he can be away from his family for extended periods of time. Nonetheless, he attempts to maintain control over his wife and her life. So, in the reality of marriage and family life, he is like an “absentee husband” and an “absentee father”—the “absentee patriarch.”

In such cases, Nicaraguan women are economically and socially independent of men. They work for a living, do housework, and care for their children, and still, they fulfill their conjugal responsibilities to their “visiting” husbands—the “absentee patriarch.” Thus, women live in a state of tension between agency and subordination to their husbands in their marital lives. They accept such unequal exchanges with men despite having little economic dependency.

How Romantic Love Turns Into Practical Love in Rural Areas

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Patriarchal norms, rural conservatism, and gender inequality heavily influence how women in traditional Nicaraguan and Brazilian societies feel in love, relationships, and marriage. The Latin American cultural norms of “machismo” and “marianismo” have a substantial impact on Nicaraguan and Brazilian gender relations. People highly values practical love.

According to them, men are strong, and women are weak. Men have many choices in social relations, while women are limited in their social encounters. Overall, men have more power, higher status, and more relationship freedom compared to women. Thus, intergender relations appear at first like those in a traditional patriarchy (Hagene, 2008; Rebhun, 1999).

Romantic Dating in Rural Areas of Traditional Societies

Thanks to social media, Nicaraguan and Brazilian women and men are familiar with what romantic love is. Many people in Latin America watch “telenovelas,” which depict charming and captivating romantic stories.

Many of these telenovelas are produced by Brazilian, Argentinian, and Mexican cinematographers. They portray romantic love in Latin American cultural contexts, thus imprinting culturally specific scripts and expressions of love in women’s and men’s minds. They naturally and unconsciously incorporate “machismo” and “marianismo” values and behaviors into the way they think and act.

These cultural stereotypes form the scripts and roles that women and men play in romantic and familial relationships. People see romantic love as one in which passion and sexuality are closely intertwined. They still learn what Latin love is and the culturally proper roles of Latin American men and women (Hagene, 2008; Rebhun, 1999).

Traditional Romantic Macho Love

In romantic relationships with women, men show their masculine manners, superior position, high self-esteem, assertiveness, benevolent dominance, and sexual potency. For them, romantic dating is mostly a sexual affair. They take leadership in the relationship. All these behaviors are pleasing to women and appear as romantic conquering. If they like a man, they like to be concurred upon. The “chase and catch” game looks romantic. Thus, they demonstrate themselves as culturally normative Latino men.

In romantic relationships with men, women show their feminine manners, humble status, weakness, shyness, submissiveness, dutifulness, and altruistic dispositions. They willingly accept the men’s leadership and guidance. being agreeable and responsive. Thus, they demonstrate themselves as culturally normative Latina women. They romantically enjoy the man’s wooing and commitment and promise to marry, pair-bond, and have children with her. For them, dating is very romantic due to expectations of marriage, family, and children (Karandashev, 2017).

Turning Romantic Love Into a Practical Love of Service

Romantic dating and premarital love run pleasantly up to the point of marriage. Then, Nicaraguan or Brazilian romantic love turns to the customary practical love of daily routine. Romantic love turns into love as service action. In peasant communities, where men and women do different but complementary jobs and have different roles, this idea of love is common (Hagene, 2008; Rebhun, 1999).

The practical perception of love has much meaning in rural and agricultural settings and can be considered a version of love in accordance with the gendered division of tasks in the traditional patriarchal gender order. Work, proper gender role fulfillment, and cooperation are prioritized. In everyday life, a husband can do his wife’s tasks when she is ill, and this is also regarded as an act of love. In many different sociocultural contexts, doing each other favors indicates love.

Men frequently refer to women’s cooking and other housework as acts of love. As one man commented,

“I can never get to clean a glass or anything because she will do it all for me.”

A woman expressed her perspective on love as action this way: “I remember how he cared for me after I had given birth to our son. He bathed me, combed my hair, and cooked for me.”

This woman did not say that this was an expression of love, but her voice and dreamy smile seemed to indicate it (Hagene, 2008, p.221).

Men and women love in these cultural contexts by doing something good for each other and their families, rather than experiencing and expressing love verbally or nonverbally. They feel love when they consider what they can do for someone else. For them, love is work and service for the common good of the family.

Habits of Practical Love

These notions of love refer to love as a habit or customary love that a wife and husband develop through their day-to-day complementary practical cooperation. Spouses communicate love less frequently through sexual and verbal channels and more in the practical actions of serving each other and their families. What they do for the family is what really conveys love.

In this customary love, the values of emotional experiences and verbal expressions diminish. Intimacy does not play much of a role. In the context of this love, sex is a part of the wife’s housework routine. In this context, a woman may perceive the man’s infidelity as not being as problematic as it appears at first glance. For her, it can endanger the social side of the relationship rather than the emotional one. These family unions are driven more by social than emotional motives (Hagene, 2008; Rebhun, 1999).

The Case Study of Divided Love in Nicaraguan Families

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Patriarchal cultures are still widespread in many countries across the world. These are usually traditional societies. Classical patriarchy is characterized by inequalities between men and women. Men take dominant positions in the family, while women are in submissive positions. Despite such inequality, both men and women fulfill their family roles, which are different, with reasonable contributions from both sides. The man provides resources, makes the rules, and takes control of family issues. The woman remains at home, does her family work, and nurtures the children.

The patriarchal system in some communities in Nicaragua, a Central American country, is different. This is known as “absentee patriarchy.” Men frequently have more than one wife and children with other women. And such situations are culturally accepted. “Absentee patriarchy” means that a man is physically absent from the family but still tries to control much of the woman’s life.

What about Nicaraguan love? How do love relationships look for women and men?

A Controversial Love Relationship

Women frequently accept unequal roles and exchange unequal responsibilities. They accept their husbands’ infidelity in the hope that this self-sacrifice will bring them fulfillment of their emotional longings. The woman’s motivation to maintain the relationship has been more emotional than financial. They strive to establish and maintain a relationship with their husband, even when they are subjected to emotional or physical abuse at his hands.

Women tolerate and accept many things from men. A man can abandon her and leave her for another woman at any time. It is culturally appropriate. So, the woman strives to keep the man, despite anything. However, in many cases, the reality is still difficult: they need to share their husband with another woman.

Women need to accept the circumstances when their men live simultaneously with other women and move back and forth. They usually call their feelings associated with such love “amor compartido“, meaning “divided love” or “traición“, meaning “treason” (Hagene, 2010).

This “sharing” occurs against the woman’s will and is painful but inevitable. Many women are torn between subordinating themselves to this unavoidable practice. They attempt to free themselves from this dependency. However, this would imply losing the man.

The Divided Love of Nicaraguan women

Women frequently choose to subordinate themselves to men in the hope of gaining emotional fulfillment in the realm of love. However, they meet this challenge in their marital lives in different ways.

Many of the women’s stories reveal how they need to tolerate maltreatment and violence (Hagene, 2010). They experience being beaten by their husbands, yet they prefer this adversity, not wanting to be abandoned.

Infidelity by a husband is another challenge that many women encounter. However, they explain their feelings in certain ways because they perceive love differently. Anyway, Nicaraguan women consider public infidelity in front of neighbors to be hurtful.

Secret infidelity practices appear to be compatible with the companionate perception of love. However, it would not be called romantic love.

Some women consider the infidelity of their husbands to be a problem only if he is not discreet. They are afraid that people will learn about it and tell others about it. The publicity surrounding infidelity is upsetting.

Discrete infidelity is more acceptable. So, women like it when their husbands go to other towns and have their affairs there, away from prying eyes.

Here are some stories from women who have lived through such love relationships:

A woman seemed to adapt to her husband’s infidelity, even though it hurt her. She had started living with her husband when she was 18 years old. They soon had children, and she worked double shift in a shop to maintain them all while he was studying agronomy. ‘To me it was happiness to be with my children and my husband’, she remembered. ‘My husband was not a saint, but if he was with me for a while, I was happy. Then he would go with other women, and I suffered, but when he came back, I was happy again’. She accepted her husband’s womanizing until he went too far. Her story highlights how this was a highly ambiguous experience. She felt liberated, but at the same time she experienced a sensation of loss.

(Hagene, 2010, p. 34).

Such “liberation” also implies a “loss” because she does not want him to go. However, she cannot take such “sharing” anymore (Hagene, 2010).

According to these stories, some men are very nice, amiable, tender, and loving when they conquer a girl and marry her. Relationship challenges begin later—in some cases, years later.

Husbands may begin with mere womanizing and then progress to engaging in parallel relationships. As we see, women in companionate love are frequently tolerant of such covert extramarital affairs. Even when such a relationship transforms into a kind of polygyny, women still accept their partners’ private infidelity.

Divided Love Despite Anything

Thus, many Nicaraguan women live their marital lives in a state of tension between agency and subordination. They do income-generating work, take on domestic work, and fulfill their child-rearing responsibilities and conjugal duties. Despite having little economic dependency, women accept such unequal exchanges with men for emotional reasons. Women grant their husbands status and services in exchange for very little, but often need to face their violence and infidelity (Hagene, 2010).

Gender Roles in Families in Nicaragua

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Across cultural history, patriarchal systems have been common in many human societies. Gender inequality has been typical of such patriarchal cultures. It is still widely present in many traditional societies around the world. Gender inequality in patriarchal societies, however, has cultural variations across all cultures. Let us see how it looks in Nicaragua, the country situated in Central America.

Inequality in Gender Roles in Nicaragua

In Nicaragua, there is a patriarchal culture with a social hierarchy of gender roles. Men have a higher social status than women. They have more affordances in their behavior than women do. Their culturally normative rights in a relationship are unequal. Men are supposed to be dominant, while women are supposed to be submissive.

Such gender roles and inequalities are rooted in the Latin American cultural norms of “machismo” and “marianismo,” which reflect the masculinity of men and the femininity of women. In Nicaragua, however, machismo and patriarchy take an odd twist with peculiar characteristics (Karandashev, 2017).

Typical Nicaraguan machismo cultural practices include their independence from family obligations, plenty of leisure time, taking adventurous actions, gambling, drinking, and womanizing. According to these gender norms, it is acceptable for men to do whatever they want. They are proud to feel independent.

On the other hand, Nicaraguan women, like many other Latin American women, are supposed to follow the ideal of “marianismo.” The typical cultural roles of Nicaraguan marianismo are to be a “good woman,” submissive, and nurturing. Women are expected to serve men and accept any degree of freedom in their behavior (Hagene, 2010).

These unequal gender roles of Nicaraguan men and women also include their sexual inequality. Society accepts that men are free in their sexual behavior, while women are culturally restricted in their sexuality. Both men and women view these cultural practices as normal. It is assumed that men are sexual beings and women are emotional beings.

Family Roles of Nicaraguan Women and Men

A Nicaraguan man can engage in polygamous relationships after being married. Men frequently have multiple women at the same time. Their formal marriage does not preclude husbands from having more than one partner. They can have two wives and children with other women. They feel free from family obligations.

On the other hand, a Nicaraguan married woman is more likely to stay in monogamy. Sometimes, she may need to engage in a serial monogamous relationship. It happens when one husband abandons her for another woman while another man approaches her with romantic advances. Women in Nicaragua are usually householders. They have strong agency in the economic and religious areas of their family life. However, they are certainly dependent on men in emotional and, to some extent, social matters (Hagene, 2010).

These examples of marital relationships represent a widespread cultural practice in society rather than isolated incidents. Hagene (2010) called this type of patriarchy the “absentee patriarchy,” in which a man is largely physically absent from the family but still attempts to control much of the woman’s life. In family relations, the man forces the woman into dependency by threatening to leave her. In fact, they frequently do so. Such an ambiguous relationship can also be called love, yet it is quite specific. The man practices this kind of love, which the woman calls amor compartido. This means “shared love,” when the man has another lover and sometimes has a second family.

Dramatic Stories of Women’s Marriages in Southwest Nicaragua

Historically, women’s economic reliance on men contributed to gender role asymmetry in Nicaraguan patriarchal society. However, women now control and head a sizable portion (nearly half) of families and households.

These cases are especially common in rural residency areas in southwest Nicaragua, such as San Juan, a small coastal town situated 87 miles (140 kilometers) south of Managua, the country’s capital.

An anthropological study has revealed the dramatic stories of love and marriage of women in those cultural contexts (Hagene, 2010). The women revealed in their interviews how difficult it is to balance the needs for income earning, raising their children, serving, and providing sexual and emotional support for their husbands, who frequently have more than one wife and family.

Why do women continue to accept such inequality and presumably unjust relationships with men? Hagene’s anthropological research shows that the reasons women submit to men and stay in relationships that aren’t fair are more emotional than economic.

Stories of Women’s Marriages in the Nicaraguan City of Rivas

It is likely that cultural practices differ across the country. Here are different examples obtained from the city of Rivas, located on land between the Pacific Ocean and Lake Nicaragua in southwestern Nicaragua. The stories of other studies have shown different pictures of marriage. For instance, patriarchy in the vegetable-growing collective in Rivas shows a different form of family relations. The husbands apparently sustain their wives and families, as in the classic patterns of patriarchy (Montoya, 2003).

Even though gender inequality is still present, it is based on a relatively fair contribution from both a man and a woman. In such families, the man makes the rules, provides resources, and holds control of family issues while the woman stays home, does household work, and cares for the children.

The Pursuit of Fair Marriages and Families in Nicaragua

There can be hope for more gender equality, just gender roles, and fair marital and family relationships in Nicaragua. In the 1980s, the Sandinista revolutionary government declared new legislation. The new laws pursue less asymmetrical and more just gender relationships. These laws also advocate for more egalitarian family authority, child support, and divorce.

However, Sandinista gender ideologies were ambiguous, allowing men to interpret revolutionary masculinity on their own terms. This revolutionary legislature was not able to dismantle gender inequality but destabilized local patriarchies (Montoya, 2003).

Cultural practices are still diverse in different regions of the country and, likely, in different social classes. In some residential areas and communities, such as Rivas, patriarchal cultural norms tend to be relatively fair according to the classic patriarchy. However, in other regions, such as San Juan, these new laws did not inspire husbands to fairly contribute to their household and maintain responsible family relations.

The Strange Gender Inequality between Nicaraguan Men and Women

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Sex differences between men and women are commonly known for several biological characteristics. The long history of gender inequality has shaped social and psychological differences in many patriarchal societies. There is no doubt that these different sexual and gender roles are reflected in the cultural norms and practices of how men and women love and marry.

The gender inequality of patriarchal societies, however, has cultural specifics across all cultures of the world. Let us consider gender-specific love and relationships in Nicaragua, the Central American country located between the Pacific Ocean and the Caribbean Sea.

The Notions of “Machismo” and “Marianismo” in Nicaraguan Culture

In Nicaraguan culture, there is a social hierarchy in which men have a higher rank and have more freedom than women. The rights in a relationship are unequal, with culturally normative men’s dominance and women’s submissiveness. These gender roles and relationship inequalities are coined in the culturally specific terms of “machismo” and “marianismo”, which are associated with Latin American notions of masculinity and femininity (Karandashev, 2017; Lancaster, 1992, p. 92).

The sociocultural conditions of colonial and Catholic traditions have had a significant impact on Nicaragua, like many other Latin American nations in that cultural region. These historical origins have had a significant impact on the formation of gender-specific concepts like “machismo” and “marianismo.” They still certainly affect relations between men and women.

Nicaraguan patriarchy and masculine “machismo,” however, have certain specific characteristics.

Typical masculine behaviors are characterized by independence, risky actions, drinking, gambling, and womanizing. These are the social norms and practices that men are commonly expected to follow in relationships. The fact that men don’t follow these rules is a threat to their manliness.

Cultural Norms of Gender Inequality in Nicaraguan relationships

Machismo norms presumptively assume that wives should serve their husbands in marital relationships. On the other hand, their gender norms allow men to do whatever they want. They can drink and womanize. Women tend to forgive their male spouse’s behavior. Following their gender roles, they frequently justify their husbands’ behavior and infidelity. They say that these manly traits, like strong sexual desires, are part of “male nature.”

According to “marianismo” roles, women demonstrate their submissive and nurturing qualities. They fulfill their gender roles as “good women,” upholding the chastity norm. Community control, ‘social censorship’, ‘rumors’, and ‘gossip’ strengthen their behaviors (Hagene, 2010).

Sexual Inequality in Nicaraguan Marriages

On the one hand, according to gender norms, women are expected to be chaste, submissive, and follow their sexual fidelity. On the other hand, according to gender norms, men can conquer, dominate, and womanize. Such practices are culturally normal. Both men and women believe that men are sexual beings and women are emotional beings.

Both men and women can have extramarital affairs. However, only men in Nicaragua can publicly display these relationships. Sometimes, they even use such relationships to implicitly threaten their women. This way, they enforce them to accept their behavior as it is. For women, having such complicated relationships with their partners is physically and emotionally painful, but they have to put up with it and accept it (Hagene, 2010).

It is common in Nicaraguan society for men to be romancing multiple women at the same time. But only one of these women succeeds in establishing herself as the ‘woman of his house.’ (Montoya, 2002).

Nicaraguan Men and Women Have Complicated Monogamous Relationships

In marriage, Nicaraguan women are more likely to practice monogamy than their husbands. Women often need to practice serial monogamy when they have one husband after another. They still maintain their family household. These instances present a widespread cultural practice rather than individual cases.

In contrast, men frequently practice “polymonogamy.” Formal marriage does not prevent husbands from having several partners. Men often have several women at the same time. Husbands may have two wives at the same time and have children with other women while still living with the first. This case also represents a widespread cultural practice (Hagene, 2008, p.32).

It appears that the practices of intergender relationships in Nicaragua are still following the cultural norms of gender inequality. The Nicaraguans continue to be resistant to modern cultural norms of gender equality, which are evident in many other societies.

What about Nicaraguan love? How does it look?

What Is “Love Marriage”?

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Love marriage is a marital relationship that is based on interpersonal love attraction. Men and women experience love attraction for each other and they rely on it in their decisions to marry. Love marriage assumes a mutual desire for a partner. The idea of a free choice and a personal decision to marry are the key features of love marriages. Love marriage is opposite to arranged marriages, in which parents and families decide who is suitable for marriage and who is not.

Cultural evolution from arranged marriages to love marriages occurs when societies evolve from collectivistic to individualistic types of cultures.

Individualistic Societies and Love Marriage

The modern economic, social, and cultural conditions in individualistic European American and European Canadian cultures, West European countries, Australia, and New Zealand are conducive to love marriages. Men and women in those societies have more personal and social rights. They are relatively independent of social institutions such as families. Modern life in those countries provides people with more extended personal and relationship affordances in their marital choices.

Individual autonomy, the independence of members of a social group in their relationships, human rights, gender equality, the independent model of self, self-determination rights, and freedom of choice are among the social norms emphasized in those individualistic societies.

Person’s Individuality in Individualistic Cultures

A person’s personal self is seen as distinct and independent from others. The autonomous self-concept encourages men and women to pursue their own views, personal desires, and preferences. Their individuality encourages open expressions of their unique selves, freedom of choice, and personal decision-making. Their individual selves are the main source of people’s thoughts, feelings, motivations, and behaviors. Social connections and interpersonal bonds are important, yet they assume individual autonomy. Individuals have the option to start and end their relationships  (see for review, Karandashev, 2021; Markus & Kitayama, 1991; Uchida, Norasakkunkit, & Kitayama, 2004).

Social Affordances and Love Marriage

Economic wealth, social progress, and modernization of the societies in those nations decreased the values of physical and economic security and the role of survival needs, which were prevalent in traditional materialistic and collectivistic cultures. This socioeconomic progress substantially extended the personal and social affordances of love marriage as an individual enterprise, compared to previous arranged marriages as a family enterprise.

Economic and social modernization of societies increased the values of quality of life, subjective well-being, and self-expression, which have become prevalent in modernized individualistic and postmaterialistic cultures (Inglehart 1997, 2015; Inglehart & Baker, 2000; Inglehart & Welzel 2005).

The Cultural Norms of Love Marriage

Currently, love marriages are common in individualistic countries. They are defined by the free choice of partners and the limited or moderate involvement of families and parents. Women and men are free to choose their mates based on their attraction, passion, and romantic emotions. Parents cannot limit their children’s mate selection choices.

Since the middle of the 20th century, love marriages have been considered culturally normative in Western societies, such as Western European, European American, and Canadian American cultures. For example, during the 1960s, the self-expressive paradigm of love became increasingly popular in the United States. For many Americans, love and marriage have become arenas for individual self-exploration, self-esteem validation, personal discovery, self-fulfillment, and self-growth (Finkel, 2018). Marriage’s function has shifted. Marriage became less necessary as a formal social institution. It became more affordable for those who opt for it and are able to choose.

In many other countries around the world, love marriages are also on the rise, especially in urban areas. Modern individualistic as well as collectivistic societies around the world vary in terms of their beliefs and actual cultural practices. Many countries are in the process of modernization. Anyway, modern cultural ideals expand social and relationship opportunities and affordances in many societies. The conditions give people more freedom in love, dating, and marriage (Karandashev, 2021; Karandashev, 2023). 

The Evolution of Marriage: From Arranged Marriages to Love Marriages

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The cultural evolution of marriage coincides with the evolution of societies from traditional collectivistic societies to modern individualistic societies. Increased social mobility, economic wealth, and other ecological, economic, and social factors all contributed to this evolution. All these circumstances of living allow certain ecological, economic, social, and cultural affordances. These affordances are what a specific society can afford individuals to undertake in certain settings of their lives to maintain a balance of social and personal interests. The values of freedom of choice and societal responsibility in marriages vary substantially between collectivistic and individualistic societies.

Social evolution has been increasing people’s ecological, economic, and social affordances, which were limited in traditional collectivistic societies but have become more readily available in modern individualistic societies. Economic and social progress has been driving cultural evolution from arranged marriage to love marriage (for a review, see Karandashev, 2017, 2021).

Arranged Marriages in Traditional Collectivistic Societies

Arranged marriages have been typical for traditional collectivistic societies, which are characterized by several ecological, economic, and social conditions of living that reduce ecological, economic, and social affordability in marriages. Strong interconnectedness, ingroup relationships, interdependence of members, and determined social organization characterize societies with collectivist cultures.

People in those societies have low geographic, socioeconomic, and relational mobility. Subsequently, social norms in collectivistic East Asian, South Asian, and Middle Eastern cultures emphasize harmonious interdependence and the social responsibility of individuals as cultural values. Men and women have limited freedom of choice and interdependence in their marriages. They have limited options and limited control over who, when, and how they marry. The parents and family are in control of their marriage. Therefore, their marriages are commonly homogamous and arranged by their parents or other senior members of their kin or local community. These marriages help groups stay together and compete with other groups, which is good for social survival.

In arranged marriages, parents impose limitations on their sons’ and daughters’ selection of mates based on certain economic and social circumstances of their lives. Young men and women have limited influence on the selection of their mates and the arrangement of marriage. These limitations are usually due to low social mobility, a tendency toward ingroup homogamy, and strong outgroup negative stereotypes. All of these factors, for the sake of community interests, limit men’s and women’s options for free mating.

Love Marriages in Modern Individualistic Societies

Independent social connectedness, ingroup relationship independence of members, and self-determined organization characterize societies with individualistic cultures. Therefore, ecological, economic, and social conditions of living have increased the affordability of love marriages in modern individualistic societies. The cultural evolution of marriage has occurred; love marriages have become more typical.

People in those societies have high geographic, socioeconomic, and relational mobility. Subsequently, social standards in individualistic European American and West European cultures emphasize autonomy, independence from others, and freedom of choice as cultural values.

People have greater freedom of choice and independence in their marriage. They have many possible options and a larger pool of prospective partners for their marriage choice. Men and women can have their own control over who, when, and how they marry. Therefore, their marriages are commonly heterogamous, and prospective partners select each other on their own based on personal preferences, such as attraction and love.

The socioeconomic and cultural circumstances of life in individualistic societies, which are largely mobile and wealthy, provide more affordances for love marriages. Parents and family do not limit their children’s choice of marital partners and are only moderately involved. The bride and groom are in control of their marriage. However, studies conducted in an individualistic American setting revealed that involving friends and family helps with marital issues.

Love marriages are viewed as culturally normative in modern Western cultures, such as in Western European and European American societies.

The Changing Views on Divorce in Pakistan

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For generations, Pakistani families and marriages have been endogamous. Their parents or other family elders arranged their children’s marriages. These were the “arranged marriages.” Currently, marriage is still a family affair in Pakistan. Despite modernization, arranged marriages are still widespread. Parents and other elderly people are involved in their married children’s future. However, the views on divorce in Pakistan are changing nowadays.

Divorce is frowned upon in Pakistani Islamic culture. Even discussing the potential for divorce in their extended families has been forbidden. However, the culture in Pakistan has been changing over recent years. Nowadays, the notion of divorce is not taboo anymore (Ahmed, 2021).

Cultural attitudes have shifted in many traditional societies around the world, including Pakistan, over the last few decades.

Cultural Evolution of Arranged Marriages

The idea that married couples should be in tune with their emotions and wellbeing is more culturally accepted now than before. People recognize that sometimes it is better to let go of something than to hang on to it. “Gone are the days when partners, especially women, could just stick with an abusive spouse because of the “What will people say syndrome.” (Sheraz, 2019).

Awareness and acceptance of gender equality, in some respects, are increasing in many countries, including Pakistan. In Pakistani society, education has played a significant role in the evolution of marriage. Modern women are more educated, so the concern about who will look after them has faded. Women today are more aware of their rights and choices. They have a better understanding of their rights and are aware that they can use their rights to achieve happiness. They understand that they have the freedom to walk away if they so choose.

As a result of changing cultural views, divorce rates are rising in Pakistan. Some can attribute the rise in divorce rates to the decline in arranged marriages and the rise in love marriages. This new social trend, however, may be caused by more people realizing that women and men have the right to choose who they want to marry and how they want to live their lives (Sheraz, 2019).

The Modern Right to Choose a Partner for Marriage and Divorce in Pakistan

In the end, men and women choose their own happiness over the happiness of their parents. Although this may appear cruel, it is critical for youngsters to consider their own destiny. Parents have already accepted their decisions, and it is now up to the children to make their own choices (Ahmed, 2021).

A divorce can be no bad thing at all, if it paves the way for a better life and the wellbeing of the people. Instead of enforced interdependence, which keeps a man and a woman together in an unhappy relationship, they get independence, which gives them the possibility of a better relationship. Arranged marriages have been based on economic and social needs for survival. Nowadays, many societies free people from the need for survival. As a result, the modernization of their culture provides the opportunity to pursue a happy relationship.

How are Pakistanis finding their partners these days? According to one of the recent Gallup polls conducted in Pakistan, only 5% of Pakistanis said they had a love marriage, while 85% of Pakistanis met their spouse through parents or close relatives (Sheraz, 2019).

Modernization in Pakistani Culture and Divorce in Pakistan

With the passage of time, better education, women’s empowerment, and western influence have changed Pakistani culture and people’s mindsets. Regardless of the modern shift in cultural attitudes, men and women may still face criticism if they come forward with a partner they wish to marry. Unfortunately, offensive actions against those who seek to express their freedom continue to occur in Pakistan and in the Pakistani diaspora abroad (Ahmed, 2021).

Assimilation of immigrants from Pakistani culture into other societies occurs slowly. It is likely that the second generation of Pakistanis will be able to better adopt new perspectives. And the cultural evolution of Pakistani marriages towards positive acceptance of love marriages will continue.

Social transformation from collectivistic societies of interpersonal interdependence to individualistic societies of interpersonal independence is the modern tendency of cultural evolution. People need to acknowledge that cultural evolution from arranged marriages to love marriages is inevitable. It just takes time.

What Pakistani Women and Men Think About Divorce

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Some modern Pakistani women and men sometimes think about divorce, despite the culturally negative attitudes toward divorce. Traditional Pakistani family relationships and marriages have been endogamous for centuries. How does it look in Pakistan?

The boys’ and girls’ marriages were all arranged by their parents or other family elders. They found a suitable mate for their adult child, planned their wedding, and wished them well. That’s why these methods of family arrangement are dubbed “arranged marriages.”

These days, marriage is still a family matter in Pakistan. Parents and other elderly people feel responsible for their children’s future. Therefore, they are used to being active in their future marriage arrangements. Arranged marriages are still common despite their modern transformation.

The Pakistani Traditional Culture of Marriage

These marriage traditions have been related to the Pakistani communal and cooperative cultures of the past. Familial bonds are the basic means of community life. In Pakistan, the extended family is valued more than the nuclear family.

The extended family system is interwoven and intertwined. In many cases, spousal ties are weaker than other family obligations. Marital love and happiness are of lower importance. Parents are heavily involved in their children’s new families since they planned and organized their marriages. They perceive their son’s or daughter’s families as part of their large extended family. They can even intervene in situations when their son or daughter no longer wishes to remain married.

All these social and economic factors of Pakistani traditional life influence people’s cultural attitudes toward the idea of divorce. This is why Pakistani women and men rarely think about divorce.

These cultural factors also affect what men and women think and feel when, in the case of turbulent marital relationships, they try to contemplate the possibility of divorce. Let us consider the challenges that women and men encounter in such circumstances.

The Economic Challenges of Divorce for Pakistani Women

For women, for example, economic reasons have been the main reason for staying with their husbands. Who would support them if they left? Therefore, women are told to compromise on any issues in their relationship with their husbands for the sake of their security and subsistence. A woman would not have the resources to support herself once she was divorced:

“Divorce is a “nightmare” for her, affecting her financially, socially, and psychologically”

(Qamar & Faizan, 2021, p. 352).

“Her decision to stay in the marriage made it possible for her to practice choices regarding her employment and public mobility as well as decisions regarding her”

(Khurshid, 2020, p. 103)

Parental Families Are Unwelcoming for Divorced Women

A common perception of Pakistani marriages as stable can be deceptive and misleading. Such marriage “stability” can conceal the hidden problems of family relationships, making them invisible to outsiders. In traditional Pakistani culture, the return of married adult children to their different family homes is frequently frowned upon by their parents. Many parents never open their doors to their divorced children when they return home (Ahmed, 2021).

Therefore, rather than returning to their parental home and being confined to the rules of their house, women find more freedom in remaining in their marriage. They remain in marriages even though they are unhappy.

Here is an example of how a woman in the interview stated her reason to stay:

“She realised that returning to her parents’ home would invite ridicule and blaming from the community members and even from some members of her own family. She would not be seen as a ‘wise’ woman for leaving a man who did not have any extreme flaws”

(Khurshid, 2020, p.103)

Many women act wisely in marriage relationships. Instead of wasting time and ruminating on their unhappiness, they find satisfaction and settle into other things. Many of them find contentment in their children and relationships with other women in their extended family (Ahmed, 2021).

Challenges of Divorce for Pakistani Men

While it is more stigmatized among women, it is not deemed acceptable for men either. Pakistani men are also under pressure to keep their promises and stay in the marriages that have been arranged for them, including love marriages.

A Promise of Cultural Change: What do modern men and women think about divorce?

Thus, we can see that divorce is a difficult topic to discuss and even contemplate, both for women and men. The main reason is that in traditional Pakistani Islamic society, people have a negative mindset about divorce. Even talking about the possibility of divorce in their extended families is usually forbidden.

Pakistani culture, however, has evolved in recent years. Divorce is no longer regarded as a taboo subject. Over the last few decades, cultural attitudes have altered in many traditional societies around the world, including Pakistan. All this gives a promise of possible changes.